The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:42pm

No, no no .. you're not follwing me.

I too think that an extremely active family is not the typical. But if someone else here, besides you, were to post that ... why wouldn't you believe them? Why assume they're lying? But yet, we're to assume you are telling the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:57pm

LOL! So, what DOES it look like when a mom "plunks" her kid(s) in dc???? As for "the best way to fill his/her day"....yeah, it's much better than letting them fend for themselves for those 8 or so hours.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:10pm

FWIW, in the summer time after dinner -- we prefer to go out for ice cream ....

Carole

Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:17pm
Hey I'm chubby AND active -- overweight AND fit -- so I break all the 'norms'

 

Yes. We. Did.

Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:20pm
seriously... ice cream IS my summertime religion. And I swear I only got into biking b/c of two things 1) how good that shower feels after a long ride and 2) eating a burger at the end of saiid ride!

 

Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:21pm

"But if someone else here, besides you, were to post that ... why wouldn't you believe them? Why assume they're lying?"

I would believe it if a few claimed to be...and if they had the time available to back it up...but if everyone or MOST people on the board claimed it I wouldn't believe that as statistically it is highly unlikely. I am substantiating my prioritizing spending time with my son just as another may back up why they feel loving what they do as a career legitimizes WOH.

The fact of whether anyone here believes me or not the point I was making or even caring about...i was saying that to support such an active lifestyle and spend my child's days' being exposed to them it is better for him to be with me than in daycare...daycare would not offer such activities. It's not to say he couldn't be exposed to them at other times but I am teaching him to value things that we value as a family and that it is part of our everyday lives.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:24pm

I never claimed letting a chld fend for themselves is a better option than daycare. I didn't even say that what I do daily with my child is a *better* option than daycare for anyone but me and my family.

For ME...it takes a lot more effort to fill a day with learning and creativity; balanced with my jobs at home than it does to drop my son off....or plunk him...in daycare.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:25pm
we went for Ice Cream yesterday...after a 2 hour paddle in a glacier fed lake.

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Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:10pm

"it takes a lot more effort to fill a day with learning and creativity;"

Wow. see there you have me , I never for one second have felt that Liza's days have to be "filled" with learning and creativity.... sometimes she's bored. Sometimes she has to figure out what to do for herself...I'm not a one woman activities director here to make sure every second of her life is "enriching" or "active' or 'vital" or whatever other parenting buzzword is the word du jour. We live life...and sometimes life is a day on the couch with some movies and sometimes life is a long swim after dinner and sometimes life is helping mommy clean the house or run errands...

but I always knew I wasn't a creative mom which was why I thanked heaven above for Liza's daycare and now why I'm so grateful to her father's fiance who actually CAN teach her how to cook, craft and sew -- things I have zero interest or skill in!

 

Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:30pm

No one has said that the way you are living is wrong.

In your initial post you said that a child will not grow up to appreciate or enjoy activities if they don't do those activities all day, every day. You now acknowledge that you don't really believe this.

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