The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:29pm

great. different strokes, though. we went for ice cream tonight after a 4 mile car ride. Of course, that was after I put a killer BBQ chicken & home-made mashed potatoes on the table for dinner.

Oh, and in CT, I don't think you can find a glacier-filled lake, LOL! Oh wait, we don't own a canoe either.

Thankfully, everyone has their own definitions of fun family time.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:31pm
Are we related?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:32pm

LOL. I still don't know how one "plunks" a child in daycare. However, most in dc seem to have a nice balance of activities done there PLUS time for fun & activities with parents.

and it certainly does come across like you think your way is better across the board.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:34pm
You make it sound like you are better because you are with your child all of the time. Working moms can balance their time and still have good relationships with their children. You don't have to be with your child 24/7 to be a good mother.
I think sometimes women (and what you are trying to do here) need to have to proof to everyone that they are a good mother. If you find you have a better home life by staying home all the time, that is great. Not everyone can do that and we are all trying to do the best we can for our families.
Avatar for mkatherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:34pm

in Nh summer is so short that if the weather is nice you sort of feel like "well I HaVE to get out and do something" LOL . Last week Liza and I had 3 nights of great swimming after dinner but on Wednesday and thursday it POURED and in a way it was kind of a relief to just put on a sweatshirt and snuggle up with our books and some tv!

winter in NH makes me nuts b/c I'm not a winter outdoors enthusiast at all. aGes ago I x country skiied but my skis are so old and outdated now and I haven't done so since before liza was born. Sledding with her is about our only outdoor winter activity...freaking snow bunnies clogging our highways getting to the mountains... makes me nuts.... LOL

 

Yes. We. Did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:36pm
I agree. That is not my idea of fun either but that is all well and good for the people who do. Don't try and shove the idea of what you do as "fun" down my throat. My kids have the most fun playing ball with my dh in the front or backyard while I am cooking dinner at night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:41pm
Soooo true. My kids started in daycare at 3 months. DD 3 months-5 years and DS 3 months-to currently pre-K this September. They are active ALL day. Just try taking them out at night sometimes and it is like pulling teeth!! I am glad that they love(d) it so much as I want to feel comfortable leaving them and I do and always have.
While being with your mother might be the best thing, I loved the fact that my children got to do things that they probably would not do at home with me. I like that they get to be friends with kids of all races and religions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:43pm

The one in which you explained that your DD enjoys doing different things than you and your DH do. You blamed this on her having gone to daycare. You then indicated that by spending all his time with you, your DS will grow up to enjoy the things you do, and went on to state that if he spent time away from you doing his own thing (i.e., preschool/daycare) he would not have the same appreciation for the outdoor things you and your DH enjoy.

It may or may not work out that way for you -- children have a tendency to develop their own interests in spite of all our best efforts. And people who grow up doing things on weekends and vacations can develop quite a passion for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:46pm

as a teacher I only work 185 days per year -- afternoons, evenings, weekends, holidays, school vacations and all summer off....

PLENTY of time for teaching and spending time with your own children.

carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:54pm
Very true. I have so many vacation days that last year I took 5 weeks of vacation time. I have personal, sick days, weekends, holidays, bereavement days, jury duty, half days, early days. I NEVER work 365 days a year. My children also might be up for 3 hours in the morning before we even leave the house and I see them approximately 4 hours at night.

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