The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
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| Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm |
I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.
I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).
I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.
To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;
"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."
"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."
So...what do you think?
*edit to correct a typo
Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie


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This is off topic but I wanted to address this part of your post: "I have the basic membership here so I can't actually see my post as I type this so I hope that makes sense.."
I have the free membership and I can preview my posts so I would think that you can too. When I click on the "preview message" window, I can then review my post (and edit if necessary or even cancel) before I hit "post".
Chris
The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett
But your son being in daycare/preschool wouldn't preclude those activities at that time. He wouldn't be in daycare/preschool after dinner and unless you worked evenings, you as a family would still have that time together. I've taken Dylan hiking after work in the summer as the parks/open trails around us are open until dusk and that's at 8-8:30 in the summer around here. However, most activities/events that Dylan wants to do are on the weekends for the most part (reenactment events: Civil War, Renfaire, Scottish Highland Games, etc.) and the others, since dh wants to do them as well, we also do on the weekends so he can join us.
Chris
The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett
On the other hand, when I homeschooled our 3 girls, it took little effort filling their "school" day (as well as the "after school" hours) with "learning and creativity" (your words). And Dylan has no problem filling his days with learning and creativity even though I woh. The main difference now is that we wait intil the weekends to go to museums, military bases (especially the bases as then dh's retired Marine work buddy can go), hiking, etc. And we usually go the 9 months that we aren't swamped by tourists. One of the big perks of living in San Diego--we can go from the snow to the surf in about an hour.
Chris
The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett
So true. How many families can there be in which one sister takes her yunger sistet to see the Bodies exhibit as a farewell get together before the younger sister moves 90-100 miles away (I forget which; it's about a 90 minute/2 hour drive depending on traffic)? And will take her 9 yo brother along.
Chris
The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett
We now live in a small mountain town 4 hours from a major city and NO there is no preschool here. There are several playgroups that we attend and he will be involved in whichever clubs I decide suit us/him as they are available."
good for him.
I don't plunk him in a daycare and assume it is the best way to fill his days"
And you said *jump* to assumptions? What parent "plunks" their child in DC to "fill" their "days?" Most people I know who have used DC have done so because they have to work. Go figure.
I didnt use DC but then we had the luxury of a live in nanny till our kids were preschool age. But we didnt "plunk" them with the nanny because we felt it "best to fill their days," we did it when I had to work, and DH needed an extra set of hands with the twins.
How does your situation, and that of the other couples you know, relate in any way to the vast majority of posters on this board?"
Where did I say it related to the "vast majority of posters" or anyone?
What I said was you can't make a generalization like all women who SAH can do so because their husbands make lots of money. Its just isnt true. It may be true for the "vast majority" but its not a rule PNJ. There are all sorts of reasons men and women SAH and not always because the other spouse makes a matza.
I know another man who is a SAHD in my husbands "dad's" group. He's at home as he has a disability -- and its getting worse. Not because his wife makes a great salary.
there are all sorts of shades of grey out there in all sorts of families.
That was my point.
I do feel badly that it comes across that way in retrospect. My way is not better...but I feel that I FEEL better about it so I guess it suits ME better.
I guess I am guilty of generalization at times without meaning to. I have been involved in a busy career and I guess because I myself have balanced family and career I now appreciate how hard it is to be at home with a little one all day...even when my career seemed hard (and actually WAS hard!!!) I would have chosen it over a bad "at home" day. It was a break in a way.
An example...today we were out for a "walk" which sounds leisure...but living in the mountains I can assure you is NOT...hills both ways no kidding not to mention it was above 30 today which translates to FLIPPIN HOT in the U.S.. LOOOOONG walk and I was sweating buckets. We headed back home which is literally an uphill climg that takes 30 to 45 mins pushing a chariot with groceries and a 3 yr old(at least 60 lbs MINIMUM...it must be more... in total). Halfway up the hill little man says "Mom... there's poop in my chariot" To get the condensed version...POOP EVERYWHERE...and it took a good 10 mins and 40 wipes to clean the poor little guy up. I would have killed to be sitting in one of my business meetings of a year ago that took place in fine restaurants over very fancy meals.
But there I was...by choice...and because I am very much agains litter I put the poop garbage in the chariot and pushed it the remainder of the way with the heat reminding me it was there second by second :)
There are days I feel that daycare is the *easy* way out and likely why I used the word plunk.
I don'te honestly believe that my life is any more easy or difficult than anyone elses and am quick honestly a passionate woman prone to speaking her mind.
So I said plunk.
Is there something so Wroooooong with that?
I really don;t think and have never claimed to have a better relationship with my child but I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to teach him things and be with him before he enters school. I am just trying to take advantage of that opportunity.
I am a bit of a perfectionist and I am sure that as soon as he is not home with me....I will be focusing my energy elsewhere.
He's not my first; I know there's life after preschool.
What I was talking about is that when I post ....let's call it post A. Someone responds. That is post B. I hit "respond" and I can see #1 the post I am writing and #2 the post I am responding to(post B). I cannot see the post I originally wrote(post A)....and that is what I was referring to. I am now working from memory(mine is not good at all!).
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