The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:25am

I am not following you Chris. I know that he would still do those things in the evenings....but I would rather he learns about those things as daily routine than play in daycare.

It is hard to explain if your daily lives don't focus on what ours do. They are not "activities" I am trying to expose him to.
They are our life. What we do. It is very very likely that we will be living off the grid(no power, no city wat etc....middle of nowhere) in the next 10 yrs.

My son will not have tv. No computer daily(access in town at the library) etc. He will not have a gamboy or ps whatever. I am filling his days with things that will still be a part of his life in our future. How fair would it be to have him in daycare only to remove him in 1 or 5 years and expect him to appreciate hiking in lieu of watching a video etc. It's not in our best interest to have him sit in daycare only to miss it(whetehr it deserves missing or not) when we are not close to it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:30am

"On the other hand, when I homeschooled our 3 girls, it took little effort filling their "school" day (as well as the "after school" hours) with "learning and creativity" (your words)."

Chris; your idea and my idea of filling their days are not necessarily at all alike.

"And Dylan has no problem filling his days with learning and creativity even though I woh. The main difference now is that we wait intil the weekends to go to museums, military bases (especially the bases as then dh's retired Marine work buddy can go), hiking, etc. And we usually go the 9 months that we aren't swamped by tourists. One of the big perks of living in San Diego"

Your life is a world away from mine so there is no comparison.

I am not trying to educate my son on the weekends. I'm teaching him a lifestyle.

It is a different energy in a different direction.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 2:39am

"Most people I know who have used DC have done so because they have to work. Go figure"

Have to or choose to...it's a toss up.

I get the impression you choose to myshka.

"didnt use DC but then we had the luxury of a live in nanny till our kids were preschool age. But we didnt "plunk" them with the nanny because we felt it "best to fill their days," we did it when I had to work, and DH needed an extra set of hands with the twins."

With my salary I could have chosen the nanny route. I would rather be with my kids than pawn them off. I worked from home AKA around the clock and still didn't call in a nanny despite the ability to easily afford one. NOT my style. If you can afford a nanny you can afford to stay home NON????

One minute you are made of money and the next you are "needing" so which is it?

If you have money to burn and choose to stay at work fine. It's your choice and despite how different it is from a choice I would make...have at 'er. Don't crucify me for wanting to be with my kids more than wanting to get away from them or have a career. I know people with twins that managed without an extra set of hands. I know my parents who had 4 foster children atop of their 3 bilogical and managed....so what's your point?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:06am

when you talk about "plunking" a child in dc, it has a connotation of just opening up the yellow pages, pointing to a place and rolling the child on the way out of the car as you drive by the next morning. It gives the connotation of no more thought -- when, in fact, choosing dc is a HUGE investment of time, money and trust.

and no, dc is NOT the easy way out, LOL!

cArole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:08am

actually, its BBQ chicken that only sees the top of the grill for about 10 min. (to get those lovely char marks). The rest is done in the oven.

cArole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:15am

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then don't turn around and do the same thing to me by accusing me of "plunking" my kids in dc or "pawning" them off on the nanny. Can't you see how derogatory and insulting those things are? Or, maybe you do and choose to use them anyway???

FWIW, some of us CHOOSE to work and STILL manage to raise great kids. One would think that you KNOW that as you were a wohm once too, right. However, your posts don't come off that way.

Oh, and I have my nanny here in the summer and I am STILL with my kids. Go figure.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:17am

except that they can only make it work (last family mentioned -- dad on disability) BECAUSE she makes enough money to pay the bills.

cArole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:44am

I just finished Harry Potter VII. Two main themes abounded. Love and choice. We all have different choices in our life. Some are more obvious than others. We all need love in our lives. Being a mother in this day and age is a choice. Hopefully a choice for love. It is apparent that you love your child. I am not so sure you are completely happy with *your* choice to sah.

Your word choice indicates a defensiveness that puts other people's choices down just because they are not the one you have made. "plunk" "pawn" "get away from"...

It is in *your* choice of wording that shows me that you need to convince yourself that your choice is not only good for you, but good for most women.

"I would rather be with my kids than pawn them off."

"I worked from home AKA around the clock and still didn't call in a nanny despite the ability to easily afford one. NOT my style."

"Don't crucify me for wanting to be with my kids more than wanting to get away from them or have a career."

"I know people with twins that managed without an extra set of hands. "

Putting down other people's choices to bolster your own is why you are being "crucified" (very strong word to have used - a little over the top don't you think?).

We are *ALL* different. As a result, what is *best* is different for every family and can even change for a particular family over time. IME, it is impossible to discern what that "best" is unless you are right there in the thick of it. Too many variables. We all have different daycare availabilities and affordabilities, different experiences, different personalities (both the parents and the children), different financial constraints and skills, different lucks, different hopes/plans for our children, different careers, different job flexibilities, different relationships....

If you truly believe that your choice to sah is as good as another to work, then stop making word choices that indicate that you think your choice to sah is better than anothers to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:54am

As

Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man-The Big Lebowski 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:29am

I suppose if you're planning on an "alternative" lifestyle involving rural isolation in the near future, that might affect your current plans. But IME, there's no reason to equate dc with daily use of computers, videos, gameboys or playstations, or with a sedentary lifestyle. Nor is there any reason to consider dc incompatible with a love of the great outdoors.

You know, an active, outdoor lifestyle is great and all, but few of us really have the luxury of organizing ourselves and our childcare totally around leisure pursuits.

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