The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
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| Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm |
I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.
I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).
I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.
To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;
"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."
"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."
So...what do you think?
*edit to correct a typo
Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie


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<<I have the choice to WOH or SAH and I don't have any schooling beyond high school.>>
Why do you have that choice?
<<with the exception of a single mother, everyone has the same choice....that's MY point. >>
Prove it.
PumpkinAngel
<<What do you mean prove it? you prove they don't! and I have that choice because anyone can go work if they choose! >>
Oh sheesh.
PumpkinAngel
Are you saying that every woman (except single ones now) has the rational choice to sah or woh OR are you saying that the choice tho sah or woh is always there?
For example, I have the rational choice to sah or woh. We live in an "over"safe neighborhood with excellent public schools and have a healthy savings account. Our budget is not lean and we save on DH's salary alone.
THe irrational choice to sah would be my friend "Amy's" choice. Her DH has a job that pays $35,000 a year (we are talking about Washingto DC area here and someone who has followed his "calling"). On his salary they would have to receive many "state" supported subsidies and have to live in "state" supported housing. There would be no savings for vacations, visits to aging parents, retirement or college. The schools would be "ok" but have been known to have gang activities and recruitemnt as far down as 5th grade. It would not be safe to let her children play outside alone. Dinners of rice and beans would be the standard. Fresh veggies from Food for Others.
HOWEVER, she does work and they have been able to buy a small house in a safe neighborhood with very good schools. Her children can play outside without the fear of gang recruitment. They can visit family each summer and can save for retirement and in state college.
TO ME, her choice to sah is an irrational choice. Yes, *technically* she has the choice to SAH, but she can give her family so much more by WOH.
There's the rub - there are good choices and bad choices and then there's the best choices for our individual families.
The stereotypical, bon-bon eating, oprah watching, sahm with a dh working 3 jobs to maintain their lifestyle does happen irl, I guess, but its a choice very few of us would regard as a good one. Then there is the dual WOH who work excessive hours for luxery cars and McMansions with their children in 12hrs of daycare which is again, not a good choice. I know neither type of family, BTW, but a personal testament about the latter occurs on this board at least every few months.
Then, there's the rest, whether sah/woh/wah who evaluate their own situations and determine what's best for the entire family. Why are some sah's and a few mwoh's on this board so convinced their choice is so much better than the other?
Your choices are not mine, but they are valid choices in the context of your family. My choices are also valid in the context of my family. My choices are based on my personal beliefs, i.e. morality, family dynamics (who needs what, when), our education (both myself and DH), our personal ambition, and the opportunities we wish to be able to give our dearly loved children. This means we live in a nice community, with good schools, near their extended family, with enough saved for them to pick any higher education path they choose, and enough in retirement so they will never be responsible for our care if we reach a ripe old age. YMMV, as this is a sah/woh debate board ;-)
<<but you weren't talking about that....you said that school enables you to have the choice to WOH or SAH....>>
Yes, that is exactly what I was talking about and no I never stated that "school" enables you to have the choice to woh or sah.
PumpkinAngel
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