The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 5:54pm

umm,no. financial constraints aren't *caused* by dc,col and such. they're caused by choices we make..that bed you make is a bed you sleep in,too.




Edited 7/13/2007 7:45 pm ET by egd3blessed

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:08pm
Prior to all of my kids being in school time it would have cost more than I was capable of making to pay for child care. So while technically I did have the choice to work or not, I do not think that going in the red for work is really a choice. Working really only became an option when I could work around their school schedules. My first job after returning to the work force paid $4.50 an hour, it was only feasible to work for that amount because I had no childcare costs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 6:28pm
Sorry - I have no idea what you're trying to convey here. I can not begin to respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 7:24pm
I totally agree with you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 7:55pm

Why the "and such"...Having a special needs child with an expensive, often not covered, medical concern is often a deal breaker with many of my woh or sah acquaintances. Those happily content with othercare situations often change when there a child requires lots of extra care. I've seen some comfortably middle class dual woh families change to struggling a sahm family to try to provide provide constant extra care. I seen sah go back to work to afford more medical care. What does that have to do with the choices we made up front? My choice is to have healthy, perfect children, but I've got the ones god dealt me.

"col" can be pretty crippling when there is a dramatic change in prices, kind of like the price of gas and oil - long commutes from family friendly affordable communities in the 'burbs are in jeopardy when the commuter can nolonger afford to commute. House prices drop in the 'burb and cascading financial disaster may occur.

So it's all about choices? I'll give you that informed and considered choices are wise, but good choices can go sour through no fault of our own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:10pm
I would if only my dh worked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:18pm
Yes, Kerik. My dh only told me that he knew he was a h.s. dropout. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:20pm

you only have the choice to sah IF your dh makes enough money for you to live on. If he did NOT make enough money for that, you would have no choice but to work -- no matter what level of education you have.

carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:22pm

Reminds me of the "the lady or the tiger" in the context of the board. (Sorry just had an angsy discussion with my 12yo dd and its all about the choices ;-).

Mkat would take gladly take a 50/50 shot at the lady ;-). Pnj would dare the tiger to mess with her, grr (and we know who would win that battle). Pka would do an actuarial analysis and see no need for either door to be opened now, but wouldn't rule it out. Mbanc would doubt the existence of either the lady or the tiger or even the door without further proof. egd3 would think that the if the lady was a sah then there would be no need to choose. If ikat were here, this might be funny. lois, you would have prevented me from hitting the post button, Son of adam and djk, love your posts, I've got nothing- just didn't want to leave you out on my non-enhanced iVillage account post. For those I've missed, sorry, I do enjoy this board.

Sorry, lots of pool posts, I'm working all weekend, back to my cave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:28pm

<>

We're both right. dc, col and such ARE financial constraints. But they're not the only ones, and others that exist are caused by choices we make.

But, once we've made those choices, assuming the status quo, the dc, col and special needs stuff can then render SAH unreasonable.

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