The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
1731
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:29pm

I recently read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Relationships" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and was surprised to find I agreed with much of what she said in the book...so I returned to the library to borrow "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" and again...I find I agree with most of what she writes. I would have scoffed at the titles alone 12 years ago when I was married, working up the corporate ladder with my 2 year old in dc full time from 11 months on. I thought I had it all.

I ended up divorced and now the 2 year old is 14 and I realized recently how fast she is growing up and that I really missed a lot of time with her and my husband by choice(working).

I am remarried and 3 yrs ago our son was born. I returned to work when he was 10 months and found what I think is the best dayhome I could have...they were amazing and very loving. Our family is very close with them now....I was working(primary breadwinner) and couldn't shake the feeling that I was putting my career ahead of my family when my family is monumentally more important to me than the money I was bringing in. We COULD change our situation to enable me to be at home...so we did and I now wonder why any mother who is emotionally healthy and does not *have* to work for the family to get by....doesn't stay at home? I am not meaning that disrespectfully or sarcastically as I myself did not make that choice with myt first. I resigned 9 months ago. I am proud to be at home even though I wasn't with my first(which I now regret but didn't think I would!). I am proud to send my husband off to work with hot coffee and a lunch I made that always includes homebaked treats....welcome him home to a clean home and wonderful meal...spend my days teaching my son and playing with him; treasuring it sincerely...and being here for my 14 year old daughter whether she needs me to yell at; or hug and talk...or just to stop her from sitting on the computer all day or getting into mischief.

To give you the tone of the books I will give you a couple of excerpts;

"The issue of "roles" in a marriage and family is often a sensitive one. Stay-at-home moms as well as hardworking primary-breadwinner men are not given much respect from our society-at-large. Feminist educators and activists keep trying to squeeze men and women into niches that may simply not be a good match for their innate qualites...as well as their masculine and feminine drives. It is more in the female nature to nest and nurture. It is more in the male nature to conquer and protect. Frankly, the more we ignore the true, inherent masculine and feminine qualites of people, the farther apart we pull them."

"...feminism has brainwashed women to believe that all men are inconsiderate beasts you can't rely on. Therefore, the threat goes, never give up your independence. This mentality has confsed and frightened women into an avoidance of becoming dependant on their men. To protect themselves, women ferociously parry with their men, while denigrating their own desires to tend the home and raise children. Then they call me all angry and depressed... nd they think it is because of their husbands."

So...what do you think?

*edit to correct a typo




Edited 7/11/2007 7:57 pm ET by hi_kimmie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 4:54pm
What a reasonable and measured response. You've conceded a point, but you've also advanced your viewpoint to reshape the debate. It seems many on this board (myself included) rarely takes this tact, hence subthreads like the not great pool's open debate. Thanks for getting this back on track.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 4:58pm
I'm lost too dear! please disregard all my previous posts other than the last one I sent oyu trying to explain what I was talking about...I'm not arguing with you about this anymore..I agree with you!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 5:00pm
I'm trying!! lol I'm actually really confused,but my last post is what I agree with.
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Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:18pm
Well DH did very well in investment banking and "retired" at 31. He didnt really, as he kept consulting till a few years ago when he decided to SAH with the kids full time. My career then took off about 5 years ago. I'm 38. We could have both SAH for the past 10 years or so..but I love what I do, so never considered it except when the kids were really young. It had *nothing* to do with DH making alott of money now, but I guess the argument could be made it had everything to do with him having *made* alott of money....that gave us that flexibility.
And I know about a dozen or so other couples in similar situations. And we all live in either NYC, Sydney, Bermuda or Northern CA. None of which are cheap places to live.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:36pm
The point is that you made alot of money young. Most people don't have that opportunity. You know people like that because they are in the same business as yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:50pm

<<I must have not properly read her post....>>


Or you might have read it before she edited it as well...


<<For example...the kind of car you drive,the amount you choose to spend on a house or clothing or vacations, or the area you live in...things like that you have a choice over and they directly affect whether you HAVE to work or not. >>


I agree with yours points before these comments but I don't think again it's always as easy as choosing to buy an xyz car or stay at home.

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:55pm

The point is that you made alot of money young. Most people don't have that opportunity. You know people like that because they are in the same business as yourself."

LOL! Wow you make lots of assumptions! Wrong again.
The people I know who are in a similar financial boat got there for all sorts of reasons. A few inherited money; a few did extremely well when their tech companies IPO'd; a few made money in finance.

And the point isnt that I made money young. The point is not everyone who stays at home does it because their "DH makes alott of money." That's simply not the case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:03am
Pumpkin...I was only using those as examples of choices you have control over...and you do have the choice over those things.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:51am
Ok, maybe the wording is incorrect of "alot" of money. Maybe I should say "good" money. There are people who stay home and will live on nothing but everyone I know who is able to stay home are able to do the same things (or maybe just a little less) than they did when they had 2 people working. I could never stay home knowing that we didn't have enough food to last the week or that I could not pay for my child's medical bill if they got hurt.
Have you ever been on line with someone who had to put things back because they did not have enough cash on them to buy everything? Even though I figure out how much everything is going to cost before I check out, I would NEVER want to be embarassed like that, just to stay home (not saying I know they stay home but most of the time it is during the day with their kids in tow).
The point is that I could not live bare bones just to stay home and could and would only do it if my dh made "good" money-the total of both of our incomes and probably a little more for medical. In certain areas of the country he makes "good" money but not where I live as the col is much higher.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:09am
He's still considered disabled.

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