refuse to believe anyone HAS IT ALL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
refuse to believe anyone HAS IT ALL
59
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:05pm
I was reading the Having It All discussions and realized that a lot of people were supremely grateful for what they have but it doesn't necessarily sound like ANYONE has it all in the way that was originally intended. "Having it all" was originally supposed to be about having a highly successful, cutting-edge career, a fabulous marriage (or partnership,) a satisfactory number of hobbies or interests and the time to dedicate to them, a beautiful home, and some wonderful children to raise without feeling harrassed and resentful and too tired to want to sit on the floor and teach them to play jacks on demand.

I know I don't have it all. No way. But that's my choice. I chose to concentrate on home life, family life for the next 5 or 10 or whatever years. There are trade-offs in life and I have made mine. I don't have a slick black suit hanging in the closet so I can go out and close that half a million dollar deal at Cargill. Oh well. I am hoping my mojo will still be there hanging where I left it once I get a chance to breathe, later down the road.

My opinion is that something has to give. You can have a stellar career but you pay a price for it. You can have a wonderously rich home/family life but your name isn't likely to show up on that Top 100 Most Influential list in your industry. You can spend your every waking moment nurturing your kids and preparing them for great things but your spouse could get a little miffed when you can never find a little time for intimacy for him/her.

I don't think we were meant to Have It All.

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Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:17pm
IMO having it all means having all that YOU want. NOT all that someone else defines for you.

Jenna

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:23pm
I don't agree with your definition or the intended definition of "having it all." My definition is a lot simpler. To me, "having it all" means I have everything I want and/or need and that my family and I are healthy, happy and safe. If "having it all" means more prestige, money or social status, and bigger and better "stuff," I don't really care to have it if it also means trade-offs for me and/or my family. (Well, maybe the "money" part. Money does not buy happiness, but it can relieve financial stress.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:24pm
I've had it all at one time or another, just not all at once.

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Avatar for biancamami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:26pm
But isn't the point of that thread that everyone's "all" is defined in different ways?

<<"Having it all" was originally supposed to be about having a highly successful, cutting-edge career, a fabulous marriage (or partnership,) a satisfactory number of hobbies or interests and the time to dedicate to them, a beautiful home, and some wonderful children to raise without feeling harrassed and resentful and too tired to want to sit on the floor and teach them to play jacks on demand.>>

And maybe MOST people never bought into that image of "having it all" and instantly recognized it as a media fabrication, a stereotype....a distortion of reality in the same vein as the 'white picket fence and 2.5 children' ideal.

My version of having it all is very different. And I will admit that I'm not there yet...I'm still young and there are many career, financial and personal goals I have not yet achieved. But these goals are ones that I have set for myself...they are my own.

Ana
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:32pm
I was thinking that too when I read the "Having it all" threads.

I think it's extremely hard to "have it all." I have a wonderful partner, great dd, a nice house, enough income, a job that I like -- that's enough but it's not "all."

I saw an old classmate of mine recently who updated me on what the others in our class are doing. Many are doing some great things -- working for congressmen, leading big research projects, etc. What I found interesting is that they were all guys. The women in my class were just as smart, and some were probably more smart than these guys, but those women are in more "regular" jobs -- many have children and I think they chose these less intense jobs *because* there is only so much of you to go around and it's very hard to be at the TOP in your field and to have enough time for your family.

I think we make choices and maybe some will say that they "have it all" because they are *happy* with the end result of their choices. I am happy also with the choices that I've made, but it doesn't mean i "have it all."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:38pm
Honestly, I'm not sure what the point of the whole thread was, maybe I have sunstroke and am not processing information properly. What disturbed me was how quickly everyone (well, most everyone) assured us that they do indeed Have It All. Defense mode, of course I have it all and how dare you imply otherwise.

What is so wrong with saying that we don't have it all, that we chafe against the whole notion of having it all?

It seems to me that no one wants to admit that it isn't particularly desirable to Have It All, at least not in that "distortion of reality" definition of HIA. I agree that it is a fabrication.

Avatar for cl_annieb67
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:46pm
Hell, I never *wanted* it all.

If you QUOTE have it all UN-QUOTE, what are your goals? Your hopes? Your dreams? Aspirations? Where do you go? Do you just exist? Or, do you keep wanting more?

My life has never gone the way it was planned, ever. It seems my whole life was about the "side trips", and most of them were for the best, but it didn't seem that way at the time.

I still don't want it all, or maybe I just don't want to work for it, lol. But I am tremendously happy with what I have, and proud of the work it took to achieve it. Dh always teases me because I am the *least* materielistic person imaginable. My family is healthy, happy, and so am I. I have a good job, so does he, and the ends are meeting. See, now, that's my version of having it all. The rest is gravy.

"There in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I close my eyes, feel their beauty and follow where they lead."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:50pm
I don't know, I thought it was nice to see so many people who think they have it all. Anyway, isn't thinking you have it all just as good as actually having it?

Some people who have it all by your definition are fairly miserable, I was just reading about the Ammon murder in L.I. in Time today, 60-300 million dollars (depends on the market I guess), beautiful children, 5 homes, a career, etc., etc and the most miserable life you can imagine. Now her husband is dead and she's a suspect, she's dying of cancer, her kids are in a horrible custody battle and the lowlife she left her husband for is in jail. What a fabulous life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:50pm
but since when does "having it all" mean that it's all at the same time? My life is exactly they way I want it. To me I do feel like I have it all. I've had my time as a single person, I've had my time in college, I've reached my career goals, and am now enjoying my time home with my children. To me having it all is a balance in life, between what we want and need and what makes us happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 3:53pm
Yes - see my post 4 under this thread.

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