Regrets of a SAHM

Avatar for Cmmelissa
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Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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Registered: 01-05-2000
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:45am

To me, it means that they are no longer dependent on me.   I no longer make decisions for them.  They are in charge of themselves.  They make their own schedules and appointments, pay their own bills, make their own arrangements.  I'm not involved unless asked.  They are fully funtioning adults and are active members of the collective, extended family.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 12:13pm

sewchris703 wrote:
<p>To me, it means that they are no longer dependent on me.   I no longer make decisions for them.  They are in charge of themselves.  They make their own schedules and appointments, pay their own bills, make their own arrangements.  I'm not involved unless asked.  They are fully funtioning adults and are active members of the collective, extended family.</p><p>Chris</p>
\

This.

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Ducky

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 12:25pm

children back home. And lots of parents are caring for their grandchildren full time. Some are even raising them full-time.

Married or not that can be true.  MIL has basically raised her grandchildren when DH's sister moved up there and it's sad to me b/c she has taken a lot of her for granted, Her kids are older now and they are still financially dependent on her.  This is one of those areas I actually feel sorry for his mom but she writes it off as something all grandparents do.   And it's incredibly cringe worthy to hear his sister rip her mom apart given all she does for her. 

 

 

 

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Registered: 10-05-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 12:52pm
I have a friend whose adult dd returned home last week after leaving an abusive relationship. The *girl* is house hunting this week. She has no intention of living with her parents long term.

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Ducky

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 3:44pm

<< always wanted to be a mom and a mom that stayed at home, I got that opportunity many times over and I have no regrets.  What's sometimes hard to accept now are the ages my  kids are and the less needy they are of my presense at home, I know SAHMs with little ones and remember in awe those times too.  I don't plan to SAH forever but I haven't lost myself there/here. >>.  

  I'm curious, if you had no regrets being a sahm, why did you choose to work partime outside the home over the years? 


PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 4:04pm

<<That is very true.  I used to post on an empty nester forum.  Every couple of week we would get a poster post about "my kids are grown, what I am going to do with my life".  While it was more SAHM's than WOHM's it was not by a large margin,  only about 60/40.  If the job  becomes obsolete then you did the job right.>>

I have had that discussion with my friends, I am going to have so much free time when the boys are in college versus the day to day stuff now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the time!  I think it relates more to involvement than working status because at that age, working parents aren't that much different than sah parents, ime.


PumpkinAngel

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Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 4:09pm

<<If parenting is supposed to end IYO please tell me when.  I believe once a child is born you are always that child's parent first, And while that does not always mean holding your child's hand, coddling and hands on it does mean being there for your kid if the need arises, forming a bond with your child.  I know some people who don't have good relationships with thier mothers and that take a whole lot for granted.  That's sad to me.  If I raise my kids to only take me for granted I've failed as a mother, So far I've been pretty lucky. >>

That's interesting, I hadn't thought of it that way since both dh and I had/gave good adult relationships with our mothers and my mother is very active in my life and the lives of my children.  I know dh's mother was active in his life and the lives of her grandchildren before she passed away too.  

PumpkinAngel

Avatar for rollmops2009
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Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 4:53am
Jams wrote: "I know some people who don't have good relationships with thier mothers and that take a whole lot for granted. That's sad to me. If I raise my kids to only take me for granted I've failed as a mother, So far I've been pretty lucky." --------------- I find that rather stunning as a statement, but perhaps you misspoke. The way that is written, it actually sounds like your goal with your parenting is to have your kids appreciate you.
Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:27am

pumpkinangel wrote:
<p>&lt;&lt;<span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium">That is very true.  I used to post on an empty nester forum.  Every couple of week we would get a poster post about "my kids are grown, what I am going to do with my life".  While it was more SAHM's than WOHM's it was not by a large margin,  only about 60/40.  If the job  becomes obsolete then you did the job right.&gt;&gt;</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium">I have had that discussion with my friends, I am going to have so much free time when the boys are in college versus the day to day stuff now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the time!  I think it relates more to involvement than working status because at that age, working parents aren't that much different than sah parents, ime.</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium"><br /></span></p>

Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?

 


 


Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:46am

Stunning mops?  Lol.  Appreciation is a good descriptor actually, yes and I do think there is a a sense of gratitute/appreciation in healthy parent/adult child relationships later on. 

 


 


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