Regrets of a SAHM

Avatar for Cmmelissa
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Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:26am

Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?

Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:26am

Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?

Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. 

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:37am

 

springfever2013 wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:13px">Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?</span></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:13px">Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. </span></strong></p>

That brings back memories of my own mother, She actually returned to work when we were older and went off to college.  In our younger years she was involved at our school, the church and the community but the older we became the more she changed things around too, That's when she went to work for the federal government downtown and worked there enough years to earn retirement too.  I know I took a lot of her presense and her being around for granted as a kid but as an adult looking back I have tremendous gratitude and respect for all she did. 

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:41am

That brings back memories of my own mother, She actually returned to work when we were older and went off to college.  In our younger years she was involved at our school, the church and the community but the older we became the more she changed things around too, That's when she went to work for the federal government downtown and worked there enough years to earn retirement too.  I know I took a lot of her presense and her being always around for granted as a kid but as an adult looking back I have tremendous gratitude and respect for all she did. 

My mom went back to work when I was 19. Then she worked for another 20 years after that. She never get bored. She is always doing something, exercise classes, going to lunch with friends, going to dinner with friends, shopping with friends, working around the house (inside and out), traveling, reading, cooking, watching TV, etc, etc, etc. 

I find that people who get bored easily are just basically boring Wink

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:56am

</p><p>Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?</p>[/quote]

In my experience even with WOH I have a lot more free time as an empty nester than I ever did when I was actively parenting, both as a SAHM and as a WOHM.  The only time that came close was when I was a SAHM and my kids were all in school.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:56am

I think the author is entitled to her opinion and her feelings. Certainly my views on SAH have evolved after 12 years home. For a time, I was in the majority amongst my friends. But now, I'm very much in the minority. Most of my friends WOH, at least part time. And as my kids get older, I've realized that I am working myself out of a job. Which is why I went back to school. I will never go back to FT employment. But I do want to be able to do something part time as the kids get older and leave the nest. Because like so many other have said, being a mom is part of who I am but it isn't only who I am. 

I know I've sacrificed earning power and that my skillset won't be universally desirable. But I knew that when I made the decision to SAH. And I made that decision anyway.

On Wednesdays we wear pink.

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Registered: 01-05-2000
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:34am

jamblessedthree wrote:
<p>Stunning mops?  Lol.  Appreciation is a good descriptor actually, yes and I do think there is a a sense of gratitute/appreciation in healthy parent/adult child relationships later on. </p>

What I appreciate about my mom is that she achknowedges my right to make decisions (right or wrong) about my adult life, family, and raising my own children.   I appreciate that she and my dad allowed us to make decisions even when she didn't think that they were good ones while we were teens and then stepped back when we faced the consequences of those decisions.  And those are the things my children appreciate about their parents.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

Avatar for rollmops2009
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Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:50am
"Appreciation is a good descriptor actually, yes and I do think there is a a sense of gratitute/appreciation in healthy parent/adult child relationships later on." ----------- Appreciation, perhaps, gratitude, no, not in my view. However, even if that is part of the relationship, it is quite different to have that as the goal of one's parenting.
Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:57am

sewchris703 wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">jamblessedthree</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;Stunning mops?  Lol.  Appreciation is a good descriptor actually, yes and I do think there is a a sense of gratitute/appreciation in healthy parent/adult child relationships later on. &lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>What I appreciate about my mom is that she achknowedges my right to make decisions (right or wrong) about my adult life, family, and raising my own children.   I appreciate that she and my dad allowed us to make decisions even when she didn't think that they were good ones while we were teens and then stepped back when we faced the consequences of those decisions.  And those are the things my children appreciate about their parents.</p><p>Chris</p>

That's cool.  Looking back I appreciate a lot of the intangibles like unconditonal love, the value they placed on doing the right thng instead of the popular thing. I was a rebel in my youth and I remember facing up to consequences of behaviors and actions I came to later regret too, My parents never accepted excuses.   I don't think I ever fully understood unconditional love until I had my own though and I know that was learned from my own parents.   My kids will have their own take on what they appreciate(d) later on, I hope it's good but I can't speak for them. 

 


 


Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 12:31pm

I don't know what you're trying to say or what you don't like about gratitude mops.  I am incredibly thankful to my parents for all they've done.

ETA if what you don't like about gratitude is it being a parent's "goal" then I get that, And I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for thank yous from my own.  Lol.  But you were the one who brought up appreciation and gratitude is a form of that.  If I raise grounded, well rounded kids who appreciate what they have and all they've been given then I've done something right.

 


 


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