Regrets of a SAHM

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:04pm

"There is only a 7.5 year age difference between my younger sister and my older sister's son. They have more of a cousin relationship than a aunt/nephew one."

I have a friend who had a baby in April, and her first grandson is due in September, lol.  Personally, I think she's crazy.  :)

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:05pm

And that's exactly it spring, It's not like we live there or we see them very often, Once or twice a year tops. But when we're there it feels like we're a burden, But my DH grew up this way too, They're not my idea of family and I've resigned myself to the fact that they will change - not even for their grandkids.

Sounds like my MIL. Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:08pm

"I don't really get the "I don't know what I will do" thing. "

I'm guessing that's b/c you aren't there yet.  You have a lot of free time right now, but you still have a lot of time that is spent *parenting*.... that will change a lot in the next couple of years, and as you look at becoming the parent of an adult child, there will be a difference in how you spend that time.  Not to mention how an experience might be different now, as I go and do things alone with dh or with friends, I am still thinking and planning the family dinner, or making sure that I am home at a decent time, b/c I am setting an example for my teens, or b/c I know that they (and I with them) have responsibilities the next day, etc, from how it will be when my only *responsibility* is to dh.

Many, many times I don't have to worry about dinner so that is a bridge we are crossing right now. If we go out and have a sitter, my teen or other child has no say in when we come home (if we plan to come home late). Why is it an example when YOU are the parent and adult? My teen doesn't have a set curfew, it goes from situation to situation. I am not sure what example I would be showing her by coming in early. I sleep late almost every weekend anyway so it would make no difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:10pm

"it sounds like you don't want to be at your in-laws and they don't particularly want you there. "

My fil is the same way.  He and mil will extend an invitation to us, then he acts like it's a burden to have us around.  We've declined several invitations from them over the last year or so, and instead invite mil to come stay with us.  So far it seems to be working out, but fil was a bit hurt that we wouldn't spend Easter at his house....

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:10pm

You're right.  And focus one place is not healthy nor does it lead to a well rounded individual. 

It is exactly the reason why every couple should have "date" night every once in awhile. Your life should not surround only one thing, kids, your spouse, yourself, your work, etc. You need to have a balanced life. If you don't have a life with your spouse while your kids are growing up, there is no way you will be able to have one after they are gone. There will be nothing there. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:12pm

"I don't personally think being actively involved in your kids' lives is some kind of a negative but I do believe you need to have other interests also. "

Has anyone said that they don't have other interests?  I must have missed it.

Then those interests should continue after your kids are gone and maybe add a few here and there with more time on your hands. To say you don't know what you will do with all that time sure sounds like to be that you don't have many interests outside of kids things.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:14pm

springfever2013 wrote:
<p style="font-size:13px"><span style="font-size:small">"I don't really get the "I don't know what I will do" thing. "</span></p><p style="font-size:13px"><span style="font-size:small">I'm guessing that's b/c you aren't there yet.  You have a lot of free time right now, but you still have a lot of time that is spent *parenting*.... that will change a lot in the next couple of years, and as you look at becoming the parent of an adult child, there will be a difference in how you spend that time.  Not to mention how an experience might be different now, as I go and do things alone with dh or with friends, I am still thinking and planning the family dinner, or making sure that I am home at a decent time, b/c I am setting an example for my teens, or b/c I know that they (and I with them) have responsibilities the next day, etc, from how it will be when my only *responsibility* is to dh.</span></p><p style="font-size:13px"><strong><span style="font-size:small">Many, many times I don't have to worry about dinner so that is a bridge we are crossing right now. If we go out and have a sitter, my teen or other child has no say in when we come home (if we plan to come home late). Why is it an example when YOU are the parent and adult? My teen doesn't have a set curfew, it goes from situation to situation. I am not sure what example I would be showing her by coming in early. I sleep late almost every weekend anyway so it would make no difference.</span></strong></p>

I loosen up curfews for my teens in the Summer too, Lol.  I don't know what example I am still setting for my teenagers that I wasn't already setting when they were little. 

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:15pm

I loosen up curfews for my teens in the Summer too, Lol.

My dd never really had one. It always goes from one situation to the next. 

I don't know what example I am still setting for my teenagers that I wasn't already setting when they were little, Shrug.

Yeah, I don't get it either. I think kids need to know that parents are adults and they can do more things than they can. WE decide where we go out and when we come back, not them.  

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:16pm
Yep, Date nights are important. And that's easier when kids become the ages ours are now than when they were younger, at least IME.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:16pm

"If we go out and have a sitter, my teen or other child has no say in when we come home (if we plan to come home late). Why is it an example when YOU are the parent and adult? " 

I didn't say that my teens have a say in when we come home.  But I also don't think that it's necessary to stay out all night in order to have a good time, and I think it's a bit difficult to explain that to a teen, then for me to stay out extrodanarily late every time I get the chance to go out.

"If we go out and have a sitter........." 

Empty nesters don't need need a sitter.  And, on that note, there is another reason to be home earlier when you still have kids at home.....getting the sitter home at a decent time.

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Ducky

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