Regrets of a SAHM

Avatar for Cmmelissa
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Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:29am

jamblessedthree wrote:
<p> </p><p><span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS; font-size:medium">If the job becomes obsolete then you did the job right. </span></p><p> </p><p> What does this mean? </p><p>If parenting is supposed to end IYO please tell me when.  I believe once a child is born you are always that child's parent first, And while that does not always mean holding your child's hand, coddling and hands on it does mean being there for your kid if the need arises, forming a bond with your child.  I know some people who don't have good relationships with thier mothers and that take a whole lot for granted.  That's sad to me.  If I raise my kids to only take me for granted I've failed as a mother, So far I've been pretty lucky. </p>

It means the day to day job of raising a child becomes obsolete and you begin a new experiene of having adult children.

Believe me I have had a lot of experienc this year in stepping in when an adult child needed it.  DD2 stayed her for 2 weeks after having surgury.  This morning is chemo day and DH and I will be spending it with DD1.  I usually make and freeze her a few meals for her chemo recovery and one weekend we went and picked up her laundry and did it for her. Since her PTO is over in  couple of months we will be fincially supporting her.  But those are all situational, based on the situation we are in.  I certainly would not be cooking meals, doing laundry or paying bills for a 30 year old in a normal situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:33am
The relationship doesn't end, but the day to day job of parenting ends. I still have one at home, but he is pretty independent and works full time this summer. All of a sudden I am preparing meals for just DH and me, we are alone most evenings, I'm doing laundry for two and a half rather than four, my driving is cut in half, etc. It's very different. The older one may call me and ask my advice on something, or he may not. He does his kaundry at our house and the other day I found a shirt I didn't recognize in our laundry and guessed by the size it must have been one the kid had accidentally left, but I'd never seen if before. It was one of those poignant moments because I realized that just two years ago, I knew every article of clothing he owned, where he'd gotten it, and when. I have those moments all the time now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2002
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:38am

grapthars_hammer wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">thardy2001</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt;One of the comments in Huff Post ~&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;[blah, blah, blah, snip] So to all you women who say its not fulfilling, I've "been there &amp;amp; done that", and sorry, it is fulfilling !!!&amp;gt;&amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-surprised.gif" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" border="0" /&gt;&lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p>I'm glad he finds his choices to be fulfilling.  I've found my choices to be fulfilling, too, and they didn't include being a SAHM.  The world isn't going to end if every mother and father in the world doesn't consider SAH parenting to be the only way to find fulfillment in life.  And again, this isn't to say his choice isn't fulfilling, nor even to suggest that it shouldn't be fulfilling.  What I find rather surprising is his denial of the experiences of others.</p><p>But you denied the author's experience, too, Hardy, so maybe you can explain to the rest of us why you get to redefine her experience and remake it in your own image.</p>

It's a blog, an opinion piece.  I gave my opinons too and don't "deny" her experience.  I speak from experience on this very subject and gave my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2002
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:44am

emptynester2009 wrote:
<p><blockquote class="quote-msg quote-nest-1 odd"><div class="quote-author"><em class="placeholder">jamblessedthree</em> wrote:</div>&lt;p&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS; font-size:medium"&gt;If the job becomes obsolete then you did the job right. &lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; What does this mean? &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;If parenting is supposed to end IYO please tell me when.  I believe once a child is born you are always that child's parent first, And while that does not always mean holding your child's hand, coddling and hands on it does mean being there for your kid if the need arises, forming a bond with your child.  I know some people who don't have good relationships with thier mothers and that take a whole lot for granted.  That's sad to me.  If I raise my kids to only take me for granted I've failed as a mother, So far I've been pretty lucky. &lt;/p&gt;</blockquote></p><p><span style="font-family:comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size:medium">It means the day to day job of raising a child becomes obsolete and you begin a new experiene of having adult children. </span></p><p><span style="font-family:comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size:medium"></span><span style="font-family:comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size:medium">Believe me I have had a lot of experienc this year in stepping in when an adult child needed it.  DD2 stayed her for 2 weeks after having surgury.  This morning is chemo day and DH and I will be spending it with DD1.  I usually make and freeze her a few meals for her chemo recovery and one weekend we went and picked up her laundry and did it for her. Since her PTO is over in  couple of months we will be fincially supporting her.  But those are all situational, based on the situation we are in.  I certainly would not be cooking meals, doing laundry or paying bills for a 30 year old in a normal situation. <br /></span></p>

You're not alone as more and more parents are housing and supporting their adult children financially these days.  The economy sucks in a lot of places.  Lots of divorces too mean parents often have the children back home.  And lots of parents are caring for their grandchildren full time.  Some are even raising them full-time. 

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:47am

I do most laundry but get the moaning sometimes from DD1 that her favorite shirt hasn't been washed yet, Lol. She's begining to catch on to the do it yourself wagon and so is her sister. She really wants a paying job and has handled rejection well from employers that have told her to return when she's 16. I expect her to be my most conservative insofar as spending habits and that part, alone has been pretty interesting to watch in my kids. I look forward to what lies ahead and there isn't a whole lot that stresses me out about them.

 

 


 


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Registered: 03-22-2013
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:50am

thardy2001 wrote:
I gave my opinons too and don't "deny" her experience. </p>

Don't you?

thardy2001 wrote:
<p>I read sensational articles like that and think, these writers are posturing to get published or they have simply forgotten what their job was really like.  This writer makes her job sound so incredible, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were actual things about the job which made her quitting that much easier.  Well-paying, fulfilling jobs are sometimes exhausting, they have bosses who want people to work hard for their substantial paycheck, co-workers who aren't always the nicest, even this writer may've been a <em>dinosaur</em>, underqualified if the MIT educated analysts had to teach her.   I read blogs like that and think no one with real "burning ambition" could have walked away from a job that good.</p><p>I also question her not being aware how much damage quitting would do to her future career ambitions.  I vividly remember friends with similar career paths who knew, if you don't return to work within about 2 years, you were probably never going to seamlessly pick up where you left off.</p>

Denial: I don't think that word means what you think it means.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2002
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 7:52am

jamblessedthree wrote:
<p>I do most laundry but get the moaning sometimes from DD1 that her favorite shirt hasn't been washed yet, Lol. She's begining to catch on to the do it yourself wagon and so is her sister. She really wants a paying job and has handled rejection well from employers that have told her to return when she's 16. I expect her to be my most conservative insofar as spending habits and that part, alone has been pretty interesting to watch in my kids. I look forward to what lies ahead and there isn't a whole lot that stresses me out about them.</p><p> </p>

That's the way the adult relationship with our children should play out ~ gradually and naturally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 10:54am
"get the moaning sometimes from DD1 that her favorite shirt hasn't been washed yet" Me thinks it's time for her to learn how to use the washing machine.

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Ducky

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Registered: 01-05-2000
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:13am

I've always described my goal as a parent as working myself out of a job.  Every parenting decision I made was made with the adult child in mind.  And I start letting go in their early teens (only 2.5 years to go and then Dylan is on his own).  When the girls went to traditional school (starting with grades 8, 6, and 2), I went back to woh.  First part time, then full time.  Also, being a mom wasn't/isn't all that I am.  It is just one of many aspects of me.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

Avatar for rollmops2009
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Registered: 02-24-2009
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:45am
"I've always described my goal as a parent as working myself out of a job. Every parenting decision I made was made with the adult child in mind." --------- That is very much how I think about it too.

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