Regrets of a SAHM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:39pm

I cook almost every night and bake several times a week. There are some house things I've been putting off, but not for lack of time. I'm retired from school volunteering. And I read a lot, both for work and recreationally. I'd like to spend some more time sewing and scrap booking, and perhaps gardening. But I also expect to have larger projects/interests and I don't know which ones I'll choose or what new opportunities might open up.

I would love to try to cook and bake more complex things that take a longer time. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:40pm

Different strokes.... I don't leave my kids alone with teenagers overnight, not even my own teens.  It's just something that is outside of my comfort level.

Who said anyone leaves their kids alone with teenagers overnight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:42pm

I don't think it is safe to leave teenagers alone overnight either, I don't even think it's legal?

I wouldn't either. Who said they do that?

What I remember is spending the night at homes I babysat at if the parents knew they would be at late events/fuctions. New Years comes to mind and so do a couple other events. It can be more convenient to just let a sitter spend the night if you know you're not going to be back until 1 in the morning than drive her home that late.

Yep, I used to babysit until 5am on NYE. I only lived 2 houses away though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:45pm

People are different, Spring. When my kids were little and I was working outside the home, the last thing I wanted to do was leave them with a sitter in the evenings, too. My husband and I work in the same building, so if we needed couple time, we'd get it during the day. We seldom had date nights. Nowadays we will go out to dinner once in awhile, but we both prefer being home when we are home. I imagine our "couple time" in the future will largely revolve around trips, although we both like to travel solo as well.

To each his own. We both always worked and we did go out for date nights as IMO (and many other professionals, not just the average joe) parents need to get out, away from home just to be alone. I don't think couple time should stop because you have kids. It will never be the same after the kids are gone then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:48pm
Our relationship had evolved over the years. It wasn't the same when we were married and living in different cites as it was when we were finally able to live in the same house. It wasn't the same when the kids were babies as it was when they were teens. It won't be the same after the last kid had left. Why should it be? We have both changed as individuals over the years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:51pm

Our relationship had evolved over the years. It wasn't the same when we were married and living in different cites as it was when we were finally able to live in the same house. It wasn't the same when the kids were babies as it was when they were teens. It won't be the same after the last kid had left. Why should it be? We have both changed as individuals over the years.

It should evolve and you should have a stronger bond throughout the years. A couple who does take the time to still do things together, don't even have the original relationship they used to have but have added all the stresses of a home, work, kids, etc. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 10:11pm

"Why wouldn't someone enjoy date night?"

Who said that they wouldn't enjoy date night?

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 10:13pm

"Four day weekend with NO kids?"

Is that shocking?

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 10:14pm

"Being class mom, going on more field trips, being more involved with the PTA, volunteer for more things in the school that happen during the day."

You will do all that stuff as an empty nester?

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 10:16pm

My grabdparents were married sixty years and they never heard of such a thing as a "date night." Date nights are a good thing if you enjoy them, but I don't think they are as crucial as what goes on between the couple in between "date nights."

"Why wouldn't someone enjoy date night?"

Who said that they wouldn't enjoy date night?

I would take this as not everyone enjoys them.

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