Regrets of a SAHM

Avatar for Cmmelissa
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Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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Avatar for rollmops2009
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Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 2:47pm
"if what you don't like about gratitude is it being a parent's "goal" then I get that, And I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for thank yous from my own." ---------- Yes, that is what it sounded like, but I wasn't sure. Glad to hear that it just came across the wrong way and that was not what you meant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 3:14pm
My mom SAH with us until my sister was 4. She went back to work, but then quit when I was 15 or so. I am pretty sure that she doesn't regret SAH at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 5:16pm

<<

pumpkinangel wrote:
<p>&lt;&lt;<span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium">That is very true.  I used to post on an empty nester forum.  Every couple of week we would get a poster post about "my kids are grown, what I am going to do with my life".  While it was more SAHM's than WOHM's it was not by a large margin,  only about 60/40.  If the job  becomes obsolete then you did the job right.&gt;&gt;</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium">I have had that discussion with my friends, I am going to have so much free time when the boys are in college versus the day to day stuff now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the time!  I think it relates more to involvement than working status because at that age, working parents aren't that much different than sah parents, ime.</span></p><p><span style="font-family:'comic sans ms', sans-serif; font-size:medium"><br /></span></p>

Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?>>

Yes, for me being a sah would mean more free time for me.  That is simply logical given that my kids are in school all day for 9 months out of the year, which of course would give me more free time.  Why would I plan to quit my job when the boys go to college?  That's not logical based on my comments because I would have even more time to figure out what to do with if I didn't have a job.

Curious though Jams, you didn't respond to my question (that I have seen yet anyway) if you had no regrets being a sahm, then why have you chosen to go back to work several times over the years?  

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 5:18pm

<<Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. >>

Who said anything about getting bored?  But yea, I'm an active and involved parent currently and when the day to day stuff is gone, I will need to redirect myself and figure out what to do with my free time, I would think most parents who are involved in their kids would have to do the same.   When I get to the age of retirement, I hope to be an active and involved grandparent too!



PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 5:20pm

<<My mom went back to work when I was 19. Then she worked for another 20 years after that. She never get bored. She is always doing something, exercise classes, going to lunch with friends, going to dinner with friends, shopping with friends, working around the house (inside and out), traveling, reading, cooking, watching TV, etc, etc, etc. 

I find that people who get bored easily are just basically boring >>

I'm curious, who said they were bored, I missed that somewhere along the lines or are you talking about another one of your off board "experiences"?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 6:13pm

<<Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. >>

Who said anything about getting bored?  

"I am going to have so much free time when the boys are in college versus the day to day stuff now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the time! "

Sounds like you would be bored being not sure what you will do with all that time. I can give you a LIST of things I would do if I had "all that time". 

But yea, I'm an active and involved parent currently and when the day to day stuff is gone, I will need to redirect myself and figure out what to do with my free time, I would think most parents who are involved in their kids would have to do the same.  

Only if you don't have a life outside of your own children when they are growing up and living in your home. 

When I get to the age of retirement, I hope to be an active and involved grandparent too!

That's nice. There are more things though to do than just be a grandparent. It sounds like you won't have much in between being a parent and grandparent. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 6:36pm

<<Sounds like you would be bored being not sure what you will do with all that time. I can give you a LIST of things I would do if I had "all that time". >>

It sounds like something totally different than it actually says?  How odd, why does it sound like that to you when it doesn't say anything like that?

<<Only if you don't have a life outside of your own children when they are growing up and living in your home. >>

Oh good, that certainly doesn't apply to me since we have had that debate and you were amazed that I had 2-3 social things each week while you had 2-3 social things a month.  

<<That's nice. There are more things though to do than just be a grandparent. It sounds like you won't have much in between being a parent and grandparent. >>

Of course there are more thing to do than just be a grandparent, but I do plan on being an active one.  :)  I'm not sure why it sounds I won't have much time in between being a parent and grandparent, because nothing I have said should have sounded like that!  So funny and a bit odd.  Perhaps a quick re-read of the comments to glean what they actually say versus some odd version?



PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 6:46pm

"When I get to the age of retirement, I hope to be an active and involved grandparent too!"

Because of the age span of my kids, it's entirely possible that I will be a grandparent before I'm an empty nester!  I don't see myself with a lack of things to do, lol.

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:07pm

ducky1st89 wrote:
<p>"<span style="font-size:x-small">When I get to the age of retirement, I hope to be an active and involved grandparent too!"</span></p><p><span style="font-size:x-small">Because of the age span of my kids, it's entirely possible that I will be a grandparent before I'm an empty nester!  I don't see myself with a lack of things to do, lol.</span></p>

I don't see myself with a lack of things to do either, I'm just not sure what I will do yet!  I have time now to read, socialize with friends/family, gardening and all kinds of things but this will be different I think.  We won't be responsible for the kids on a daily basis, their activites will have changed into their things and it will be like before kids when we were dating...and I'm just not sure what we will do yet!  I'm going to have to put together a bucket list or something, I'm just totally open to something new and exciting too.  I just don't know yet, haven't gotten there yet....

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:10pm

all">Because of the age span of my kids, it's entirely possible that I will be a grandparent before I'm an empty nester!  I don't see myself with a lack of things to do, lol.</span></p>[/quote]

There is only a 7.5 year age difference between my younger sister and my older sister's son.  They have more of a cousin relationship than a aunt/nephew one. 

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