Regrets of a SAHM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Regrets of a SAHM
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Wed, 06-19-2013 - 1:49pm

While the mom in the following Huffington Post article was glad she got the chance to be a SAHM mom, now that she is facing an empty nest she is having some regrets about that decision, especially in the area of employment.  She discusses several of them in the article; one being that she felt she lowered her sights and lost her confidence:

But far and away my biggest regret about my years at home was that I lowered my sights for myself as I dimmed in my own mind what I thought I was capable of. I let go of the burning ambition I once held because I didn't feel as though I could hold it and three babies at the same time. My husband did not do this, my children did not do this, I did this. In the years that I was home, I lulled myself into thinking that I was accomplishing enough because I was. I was raising my children and as any parent who had spent a day with a child knows, that can fill all of the hours in a day. What I hadn't realized was how my constant focus on my family would result in my aspirations for myself slipping away. And despite it being obvious, I did not focus on the inevitable obsolescence that my job as mom held.

If you are a SAHM mom, can you relate to that feeling of losing yourself?  How do you give yourself the same focus on your own identity and accomplishments while focusing on raising a family?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:30pm

"There is only a 7.5 year age difference between my younger sister and my older sister's son. They have more of a cousin relationship than a aunt/nephew one. "

There are almost 10 years between my oldest and my youngest, just over seven years between my girls, and 8.5 years between my oldest son and youngest son.  I'm not sure what that will mean for their relationships as adults, but I realize that oldest may be starting a family of her own long before my youngest moves out.  :)

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Ducky

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:33pm
I'm seldom bored, but I have no real idea about what I will choose to do withy time when my kids are gone, which is really almost now. My younger one is pretty independent at 17 and requires little in the way of parenting. I resigned all my school volunteer activities when he left the private school. After fifteen years of class patenting, being on the board, etc, I was done with school volunteering. We just took our first trip without kids, and I do see us traveling more as a couple as long as my husband's health holds out. Will definitely want to take in some new career challenges, but I am not sure what yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:47pm

springfever2013 wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:13px">Interesting given you've said SAH is about having more free time too.  Do you plan to quit your job when your boys go to college?</span></p><p><strong><span style="font-size:13px">Funny her comment about what am I going to do with my time. My mom is retired and never gets bored. There are a TON of things I could think of what I would do if I didn't work (and had no kids at home). I guess if your kids are all you have, when they are gone, you have nothing. </span></strong></p>

From what you've said on facebook and what you all do together when you see her (Fl, right?) I get that she doesn't get bored either, And good for her!  I don't know if there's anything I'm really waiting for in retirement that I don't get to already do now, I like spending time with my kids and I'm a pretty low key, low maintenance person that doesn't need to see every corner of the world before I die either.   There are a couple places I'd like to see - namely, Italy and I'm waiting for that right time when all of us can make the trip there, I think my kids would appreciate that at older ages too. 

 

 

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 7:57pm

There is only a 7.5 year age difference between my younger sister and my older sister's son.

 

Wow, that's putting it into perspective.  Lol. My oldest sister was born in 1958 and my youngest brother was born in 1968, He is about 10 years older than her oldest DS.  As adults we don't pay too much attention to that but talking to her adult children is like talking to adult friends anymore, They don't always address as Aunt and Uncle either. 

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:23pm

I don't see myself with a lack of things to do either, I'm just not sure what I will do yet!  I have time now to read, socialize with friends/family, gardening and all kinds of things but this will be different I think.  We won't be responsible for the kids on a daily basis, their activites will have changed into their things and it will be like before kids when we were dating...and I'm just not sure what we will do yet!  I'm going to have to put together a bucket list or something, I'm just totally open to something new and exciting too.  I just don't know yet, haven't gotten there yet....

We are at this point now as both our kids do things with their friends all the time and my hubby and I have time to do things alone, together. We always find something to do. When we have unlimited time we can do more but for now we never try and find something to do without the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:29pm

From what you've said on facebook and what you all do together when you see her (Fl, right?) I get that she doesn't get bored either,

Nope and when she is with any of her grandkids, she does stuff with them every.single.day

And good for her!  I don't know if there's anything I'm really waiting for in retirement that I don't get to already do now, I like spending time with my kids and I'm a pretty low key, low maintenance person that doesn't need to see every corner of the world before I die either.   There are a couple places I'd like to see - namely, Italy and I'm waiting for that right time when all of us can make the trip there, I think my kids would appreciate that at older ages too. 

She does more things with friends now, goes on vacations, etc. without kids. She hasn't had kids living with her for 18 years though. I can't say though that they skipped a beat after living with no kids. There were no decisions to really make about what to do. They just spent time together, traveled, enjoyed each other, did things with friends, etc. I don't really get the "I don't know what I will do" thing. I guess if your entire life is wrapped around your kids and you don't do much alone with your dh and with yourself, then you wouldn't know. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:47pm

See, that is a great relationship spring.   When we see DH's parents we take the kids to their place where they have a lake, They go on with their lives and we hang out there.  I think she might have gone to the mountain and ocean and bar harbor once but it's typically what we end up doing up there ourselves.  We ask, and we ask every single time we go there for her company but she's always got something else to do.  They're weird and I know I'm being incredibly judgemental but it's true.  Through it all I insist my kids show thier grandparents respect but I'll tell you what, One of these years they will make up their own minds about that relationship.  My mom was a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids and was always there to lend a hand and spend time with them, She didn't live long enough for my kids to meet her. 

 

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:49pm
I expect to have multiple options to choose from when I am an empty nester. I don't know which of them I will choose. I do not expect to fill my time with shopping and watching TV. I do not enjoy those things now, so I do not think I will enjoy them in five years, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:51pm
Only on this board is being actively involved in your kids' lives some kind of a negative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2013
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 8:52pm

See, that is a great relationship spring.   When we see DH's parents we take the kids to their place where they have a lake, They go on with their lives and we hang out there.  I think she might have gone to the mountain and ocean and bar harbor once but it's typically what we end up doing up there ourselves.  We ask, and we ask every single time we go there for her company but she's always got something else to do.  They're weird and I know I'm being incredibly judgemental but it's true.  Through it all I insist my kids show thier grandparents respect but I'll tell you what, One of these years they will make up their own minds about that relationship.  My mom was a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids and was always there to lend a hand and spend time with them, She didn't live long enough for my kids to meet her. 

That is so sad. My mother loves to spend time with her grandkids. She doesn't see them all the time since they all don't live close to her but she does talk every week to them and when she does see them, it is non-stop doing things together. 

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