SAH doesn't support change,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
SAH doesn't support change,
3723
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:58pm

"SAH doesn't support change, it supports going backwards to the 1950's,"

Statement in a post below.

I wholeheartedly disagree. To me, SAH is a choice. How is that going back to the 1950s, when a lot of women didn't have much of a choice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:04pm

It would. The day men are just as likely to do the things it's ASSUMED women will do is the day we'll, finally, have a chance at equality. But you know that for a while, the myth that we do them more will persist, sigh. Stereotypes die hard and you often have to hit them right between the eyes to kill them. Hence, it would probably take more dads staying home than moms but that actually would be the fastest route.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:09pm

Perhaps it's not unhappiness with the situation but rather with the loss of defined roles. Let's face it, life is easier if your role is defined. You know what you're supposed to do and know what others expect and approve of. Start mixing things up and now we don't know what anyone approves of and have to decide for ourselves. What if we choose wrong?

I don't think it's unhappiness but rather discomfort at the idea of having to figure out for ourselves what to do. However, looking back at our lives, I think we'd be a lot happier with the life lived by our rules than just following everyone elses.

It's not people who break the molds who look back at their lives and wish they'd done what everyone else did. It's the other way around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:29pm

Then I think that you are vastly different from most 18 year olds I know. Not only do I have a 17 year old, but I work at a university full of 18-22 year olds. Most of them think major stress is when their ipod won't download their favorite song and commitment is to a brand of coffee. Lots of young people that age tend to suffer from "I" problems, everything is about them and they know everythng and everyone over 30 is just an idiot anyway (that is until they need us, LOL). By the time they reach 21-22 and they get a taste of the real world, their perspective broadens a bit.

I suspect that when you look back 10-15 years from now, your opinions and outlook will have changed. I would hope that my dd's opinions and outlook at 17 are not what they are going to be at 25. That's part of why I would not encourage her to get married young.

If it works for you, then good for you.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:56pm
I dont disagree with this actually... but i've posted before that most moms do go back to work by the time the child starts school. So by the time girls reach this critical age to have a good role model in a working mom, guess what, the mom is working!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:08am

You must live in a very low col area. $1300 a month wouldnt even cover minimal living expenses here. Rent for a 1 bedroom or efficiency apartment in a halfway decent neighborhood is at least $700 a month, plus utilities. Factor in food, gas, clothing, etc. and that $1300 would be gone in a heartbeat. And heaven forbid there is an emergency that requires a large expenditure.

What job pays more than $10 an hour that requires no experience?

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:10am
and even child support isnt a given anymore. If the couple has joint custody and both parents share the child fairly equally, they usually end up just splitting expenses. At least thats what I've seen in recent years.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:14am

50 years ago the world was a different place. And I realize that there are always going to be couples who beat the odds and stay married despite being teenagers when they marry. But generally speaking, your average 18yo is *not* going to be prepared for marriage. No way, no how.

Of course, I dont see 18 as the *magic adult age* either. I think an 18 yo is still a teenager, no matter that they can vote or move out.

I do agree though that it could have to do with different cultural norms and such in some families.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:19am

I think more and more states are going towards joint custody these days, at least thats what I've seen. Which means no child support most of the time, just splitting of expenses.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 2:28am

Those are difficult questions to answer because of the nature of our careers and our location, but I'll try...

"what would happen if your DH's hours at work changed"?

He sets his own hours, as do pretty much all scientists I know. It's kind of the nature of the business. I can't imagine a single scenario in which he would be forced to work a set of hours out of his control. It just doesn't happen in any country we've worked in. Otoh, most scientists have to be prepared to go in sometimes on evenings and weekends to finish up experiments or take care of equipment. If I'm around, he can take off and do it. If I'm not around, he asks someone else to help out. He'll do the same for them some other time.

"or he was asked to relocate, or commute much farther away? "

We might move house if he was asked to commute much farther away. We'd consider relocation as well. I'm not sure what that has to do with his ability to drop the kids off at school. We've always aimed to be within a 15 minute commute of work for both of us. So far, we've managed to do that for 17 years. If it meant living in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, we'd do it (we have done it).

"do you think your DH would refuse the changes because o fthe children?"

I think he might refuse things if the changes wouldn't work well for both of our careers and the children. He has refused a couple of opportunities because they didn't fit with our family goals. We aim for an overall balance.

"if he did, do you think his boss would allow him to stay employed, or would he be let go from teh company?"

In his current position, he wouldn't likely be let go. He is not at all unusual in Sweden with regard to structuring his schedule around his children's needs. Most men either do the drop-off or the pick-up and most share sick leave for children pretty equally. So there tends to be a great deal of understanding about that in the workplace. I know other men who have been offered temporary relocations and refused them because of their wives' work obligations. They weren't penalized. It's accepted that both careers have to be considered.

"and what would happen if the same happened at your job?"

Um, well...I was asked to relocate for my job since my company is located in Germany. I refused (at the interview stage before I was even offered the job). They agreed to my suggestion of working from home/travelling 30%. They'd still love me to relocate but my boss recognizes that it isn't going to happen. I set my own schedule at home and I have a lot of say in when I travel. My boss tends to be very respectful of the weeks I feel I need to be at home and I, in turn, tend to be very flexible if things come up at the last minute. It seems to work well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 3:33am

"I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor myself anyway. ;) "

I'm sorry, but this honestly shocks me. Dh positively hates going to the doctor and will go to great lengths to avoid it. Nevertheless, he did (thank goodness!) have the option of going to the doctor and getting treatment for 2 rounds of cancer. I shudder to think what would have happened had he been without insurance. Cancer, or an accident or an auto-immune disease or any number of things can happen regardless of whether you are a fan of going to the doctor or not.

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