SAH early years vs teen years
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| Sun, 06-13-2010 - 4:26pm |
This past weekend I shared a room at a church youth conference with a mom of three girls (6 years, 13 years and 15 years). In getting to know each other, she mentioned that she has recently quit her job after being a working mom her entire children's lives. She was concerned about her 13-year-old and decided to stay home so that she could focus more fully on some problems that have been surfacing.
I nodded in approval and casually mentioned that I thought that if there was a more critical time to have a stay home parent, it wouldn't be the infant years; it would be the teen years. She nearly burst out crying and said that she was SO RELIEVED to hear somebody say that. She said that she always hears people talk about how we should stay home when our kids are really little, and so she felt guilty (her words) that she didn't choose to stay home when they were little and yet she was choosing to stay home now.
My take on the matter, which I conveyed to her, was that when they are small children we WANT to stay with them but nothing serious is likely to happen by trusting another loving, responsible person to take care of them while we work. By contrast, when they are teenagers, they are much more independent and much more capable of getting into serious trouble. For some families, having a stay at home parent would be a good way to increase the diligence factor (eliminate the distractions of work and use that time and energy to get more involved and keep an extra close eye on things).
She had never thought about it this way and was really, really grateful to hear it. You could tell it was something that had been eating her up. She thought that society was somehow looking down on her for her choices because "all you ever hear is messages about how important it is to stay home when the kids are little; you never hear anything about staying at home when the kids are teens."
So my question is: Why do you think hardly anyone ever touts the benefits of staying home once the children are teens?
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What is "actual harm"? Does that mean only the kind of harm you can see physically, or measure? I'm pretty sure that anyone who is a significant caregiver can affect how a child feels, and how they are, how much they trust. Children use caregivers as a secure base to explore the world, and they attach to them, so if the caregiver does not promote feelings of security, if they don't attach, or they attach and there is a lot of turnover in caregivers, that could cause problems that are long lasting and hard to overcome, because they become part of who that child is.
As far as the teens, among the people I know, the main reason for private school beginning in middle school is the sitter problem. So, I am obviously not the only one with the experience that making teens mind a sitter is an iffy proposition. OTOH, you are certainly right that this does not make it a universal.
Teens minding is an iffy proposition, period. That pertains to parents, stepparents, teachers, coaches, other family members, other parents, and other people in a position of authority. Big picture: if your teen can respect authority you have less of an issue than if your teen cannot respect authority, period. When it comes to SAH vs. WOH with teens, the issue is similar to how it is for young children. Some feel they need to be AH for their teens whatever their reasons, some know that they can find an appropriate situation for their teen while they work whether that is a non-parent or the teen being alone. If teens couldn't handle having WOH parents we'd probably not be so accepting of parents of teens WOH. Some parents want or need to SAH with their teen, just like some parents may want or need to SAH with their young children. The issues with teens are different than for young children, but overall non-parents can be appropriate substitutes for WOH parents of any age child.
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Same here, probably closer to age 12. But WOHPs don't have to hire a sitter *for* their teens in order for their teens to be supervised or looked out for by a non-parent.
Ten Rules for Being Human
Malcolm Gladwell Blink
Ten Rules for Being Human
Malcolm Gladwell Blink
Exactly. I would never tell the teens that I've asked the sitter to watch out for them too, and when I quit my job to SAH with the little ones we didn't tell the teen/preteen "this will be great because Harmony can keep an eye on you guys after school too!"
Ten Rules for Being Human
Malcolm Gladwell Blink
I agree, but I think the point you are making is relevant whether the parent SAH in the teen years or not. If we are going to make broad statements about what is appropriate, the fact is that the appropriateness of SAH vs. WOH is very much dependent on the children, the parents, and the situation in question. Regardless of age. SAH isn't inherently better than WOH, and vice versa. SAH with a young child isn't inherently more important than SAH with a teen, and vice versa. All sides have their advantages and disadvantages, and deserve consideration based on the specific circumstances involved.
Ten Rules for Being Human
Malcolm Gladwell Blink
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First, so what if they don't plan to stay home? Just because something is important doesn't mean something else can't be more important.
Second, (speaking only for myself) I never said that SAH isn't important when the kids are little.
Ten Rules for Being Human
Malcolm Gladwell Blink
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