SAH IS HARMFUL!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
SAH IS HARMFUL!!!
2888
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:32am

Or at least this woman thinks so.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:12pm

find a better job. Because from the employer's perspective, it doesn't really make a difference if an employee quits working for them or quits working altogether.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:15pm

Apparently you don't, so why should I?


It's not the norm for women to quit working when they have children. So why can't I debate about SAHMs who pay taxes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 6:41pm
I've personally seen an example of SAHMs contributing to the safety of their neighborhood as well as to the welfare of their children. I am currently a SAHM for the most part. I'm a nurse and work 2-3 days a month on a per diem basis for a health care agency in order to stay current. Personally, I feel a lot more valuable staying home with my kids than I would if I chose to go back to work full-time. When I was pregnant with my first child and my co-workers at the time learned of my decision to stay at home, many of them said they would do it too if their husbands made the salary to accomodate it. Some of them said I was nuts and that I would lose my identity, which I've found to be complete BS. I mean, after all, there are thousands of nurses across the nation; but I am my husband's only wife and my childrens' only mother. What more identity could I want?

I realize I've gotten off track here so back to my point. Down the street from me lives a mother of three teens (ages 13, 14 and 17) who has continued to sah even though her children are in school and nearly grown. They spend their summer days going to the pool together, attending concerts, taking mini-vacations, going for bike rides, visiting the zoo or the art museum, you name it and they are doing it. The kids' friends like to hang out at the house too, many of these teens (too old for day care or summer camp programs) are completely alone and unsupervised during the summer months when parents are at work all day. I just witnessed yesterday this woman driving off to the Y with not only her own kids but four others as well who had no parents at home through the day. Now just think of the trouble these teens could get into all alone and bored everyday with nobody to supervise them. If she wasn't around and willing to open up her home daily to kids like this, imagine the potential for trouble that would exist on a much greater basis than it already does for these other teens. In the neighborhood where we used to live, there were many working women with teenagers home alone all summer. The younger ones were usually in daycare. Sometimes younger kids were left in the care of their teen siblings all summer. Several of these younger children were left alone to run all over the neighborhood all day long because their teen siblings were lax with their supervision. In one instance, 6 year old twins were in the wooded area behind our subdivision playing with fireworks while their 17 year old brother was inside the house entertaining his girlfriend. One of the twins blew three of his fingers off. It was a sahd who heard the screams and dialed 911 while older brother was inside with his gf totally unaware of what was happening until EMS knocked at the door. In that neighborhood there were numerous teens left alone all day who got drunk, did drugs and partied all day. One girl (13 y.o. without a driver's license) habitually drove around town in the family's second car with her friends and when adults in the area told her parents, they didn't seem all that concerned. Well one day, this 13 y.o was driving recklessly down the street and hit a 4 y.o. girl (who was in the care of her teenage sister; sister was nowhere around when this happened and once again a sahp had to intervene and call 911).

Kids left home alone all day long for entire summers is a great recipe for TROUBLE. So in that way, sahms are contributing to the welfare of the neighborhood and their kids. Who wants to arguewith that??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 7:16pm
Although I still work very minimally (2-3 days per month on a per diem)basically I am a sahm.I'm a nurse and before I had children I loved my work. I still enjoy the 2-3 days per month I work but I could never love it more than I love being with my kids (now 4 and 6). Being a mother has a way of changing your priorities and what you're all about.

When I was pregnant with my first I had a conversation with one of my 50-something supervisors at work, a mom of 2 grown sons and now divorced. She told me that although she has always been very dedicated to her work, if she could do it all over again she would have chosen to stay home with her sons. Her words: "All those years I felt on top of the world thinking that I had it all and that I was really making a contribution to improve my life and my family's life by working and bringing home a paycheck. I didn't think my kids would ever want for anything. Now I'm nearing retirement and feel that all I now have to show for it all is a marriage gone sour and kids that don't know me." Her final words to me were: "If you don't have to work for financial reasons, make your family your number one priority and stay home with your babies. And don't believe ppl. who say you can do it all. None of us are Superwoman, we can't physically do it all, there aren't enough hours in the day and something has to give. I found out too late that what I sacrificed was my relationship with my sons. When I was 25, nobody could have convinced me of that and now that I'm in my fifties it's pretty much come back around to kick me in the butt."

Let me tell you, her words were powerful and really impacted me to make one of the best decisions of my life. Makes me wonder how many wohms will wake up 20 yrs. from now with the same realization my supervisor shared with me. It's food for thought anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 7:33pm
wow. i'm sorry that she let her relationship with her kids get anywhere near that stage. how utterly sad.

<<"All those years I felt on top of the world thinking that I had it all and that I was really making a contribution to improve my life and my family's life by working and bringing home a paycheck. >>

yup. being a teacher allows me to do something that i totally enjoy, that enriches the thousands of lives that have walked through my classroom as well as helping our bottom line -- especially more important now with my impending divorce. i can't even imagine what an awful situation i would be in if i didn't have my 15 years of seniority AND salary raises. It's going to be hard raising my kids on that, let alone the pittance i would have (about $35,000 in CT) if i was coming in as a first year teacher.

<.

and they don't. they have wonderful relationships with their dad and I, just enough "stuff" and access to sports activities, etc.

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this is so alien to me. maybe it's that i'm a glass half-full kind of person. from my marriage that has failed, i have THREE wonderful, great kids and YES, they "know" me, LOL! In fact, it's laughable to think that they don't. AND they've also seen their mom more content and calm since the separation -- and happier too.

<>

wow. talk about glass half- EMPTY and pessimistic! YIKES! i'm well able to work AND make my family my number one priority. Yes, you CAN do it all - depending on WHAT your "all" is. In my case -- you bet, i can be a teacher AND a mom and coach my daughter's basketball team OR run a committee at my temple. NOTHING has to give as there is plenty of time available to budget these things in -- you just need a REALLY BIG calendar, LOL!

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YUCK. and so, so FAR from my REALITY. i couldn't imagine sacrificing my relationship with my kids JUST because i work. I'm sorry, but that doesn't even make any sense given an UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING, INVOLVED PARENT.

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i'm glad the decision to sah has worked for you. I've made one of the best decisions of my life -- and it was to continue working.

<>

NONE. i couldn't imagine being that uninvolved with my kids.

eileen

Avatar for myshkamouse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 7:38pm
If I decided to quit my job and SAH I'd pay quite a chunk in taxes annually despite loss of salary. Investment income alone would equate to what most folks make in salary...so our taxes would still be high.

Hey, there goes your argument against all SAHP's! Not all fit your mold so nicely.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 8:15pm
What's really scary is these are her edited replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:01am
I'm not saying that it can't be done, those were the words of my supervisor. As a teacher with summers off and work hours similar to your childrens' school hours it sounds like you can and do have "the best of both worlds".

What I had to consider when choosing whether to work full-time or sah was:

1. As a nurse I would not have the option of having summers off with my children.

2. Family vacations would be more difficult to take. Scheduling time off around my dh's schdeuled vacations would be difficult. I know a lot of nurses in that predicament right now who haven't been able to vacation with their families because of scheduling conflicts. With my current work situation, if we want a vacation, I simply don't schedule work for myself at that time.

3. Although jobs in nursing are plentiful and will continue to be with our increasing aged population, the hours are not always conducive to the type of family involvement I want to have with my dh and children. I would most likely be having to work swing shifts, evening or night shifts or be on call, which I tend to view as an interruption to family routine. Working evening or night shifts in particular would greatly cut down on the time I would have to spend with my kids or the nights I would have with my husband. I'm not willing to sacrifice either. Plus, I would not want to be on-call and have a ringing telephone waking up my husband and children in the middle of the night. I do have a cell phone but the ringing still would wake my dh.

4. You sound like a very organized person. I myself am probably not nearly as organized as you are and I know my limits. If my family was financially dependent on my earnings, or if I was a single parent, yes, I COULD do it. But those are not my situations. We are quite comfortable living on my dh's salary, so rushing around all the time like a crazy person isn't a choice I've made for myself, nor is it something that would leave me feeling as fulfilled as you feel in your teaching career.

This summer I have been running my kids places everyday. They are involved in swimming, karate, gymnastics, choir, t-ball, puppet team, soccer and various other activities through our church. We also go to story hour at the library, have a regular bank day in which they take their allowances for deposit into their accounts and we spend time reviewing academic skills learned in school during the year. This we do daily. I am organized enough to get them to all their activities and some days are more hectic than others. But even in looking at my least hectic day of the week, I really do not see where I could squeeze in an eight hour shift at the hospital and still get everything done with my kids and around the house. When I do take work, I usually have the option of scheduling it far enough in advance so that I can arrange for my kids to spend that time with my parents who live close by. Either that or I can schedule weekend shifts when dh will be home with them. You, as a teacher would have given up seniority and salary increases had you decided to stay at home. In nursing, other than cost of living raises, my salary would have only slightly increased with seniority and if need be, I knew I could re-enter the work force and not take too much of a hit in my pocketbook for staying out of the profession for a time.

Now that I've started working again, although minimally, I wouldn't ever want to get out of nursing again. But that is not to say that I want full-time work either. I feel like I've achieved a balance which works well for me and my family and it sounds like you have that too. I know some of these discussions can get rather heated with posters insisting that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Believe me, I do understand women who just could not stay home. Every once in a great while I have a bad day and think, "Oh, this really stinks." Those days for me are few and far between, but I know that when I'm in one of those moods I don't have the patience with my kids that I would normally have and my entire attitude sucks. I have a friend who is a wohm and feels like she's a better parent for doing it and I would have to agree. She tried staying home with her kids and felt resentful and cheated out of the chance to further her career. While staying home, the occasional bad days I would have she would have every single day she was home with them. Now she is happier and more fulfilled due to her decision to go back to work and her kids need not see their mother grouchy and discontented every day. That was really doing them no good. I can see, and do understand the "flip side" of it all. My decision to sah is working for me, but it wouldn't work for everyone. I have a feeling that my supervisor deep down really did want to sah with her kids but felt trapped by a decision that in the end wasn't right for her. This can happen to moms whether they decide to woh or sah. You say you could never imagine feeling regret later and that's great, you've obviously made the right decision. But that isn't to say that there's not another wohm or a sahm for that matter who will not one day regret her decision. I know in my heart that sah is what is right for me just as you know that woh is the right path for you. I think some ppl. waffle back and forth, never really having that feeling we both have that, "Hey, this is it for me. This is what I need to be doing. If ppl. don't wholeheartedly believe in the decisions they make, then yes, I can see why they would come to regret later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 8:42am
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-pssahwoh&msg=13867.2225

No. I posted directly to you. You posted some jibberish back to me that made absolutely no sense in response to my post. So I asked you what you were talkign about, where you were going with your reply? Then you respond that I seem to have answered for another poster. I did not. Can you not keep up? We know you can't answer questions. We know you screw up posts & never really answer what has been asked of you ten or more times. But now can you not even respond correctly to the correct post? Geesh! I'd still like to hear your list of what wohms do that touches the lives of sahms. I don't expect you to answer since I see you've been asked over & over again & you just ramble about everything under the sun without actually listening to the question and replying. Me thinks you have no clue or you would answer the exact things, give a list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 8:57am
please understand that my responses were in direct correlation to what your supervisor said to you. I wholeheartedly disagree with what she said about being a wohm and do feel sad for her that she would let her relationships with her kids get to that point. I was trying to point out, in case you didn't understand it, that that's certainly NOT the norm for most wohms -- and just a bit of fear-mongering on her part.

I should qualify that as a teacher, yes, i have plenty of time available, however, BOTH of my sisters have WELL been able to continue working FT with less flexibility AND raising their daughters.

vacations are not always easy around here either. my kids are all in different school districts and i teach in a 4th district. EVER try to juggle 4 different school schedules for their winter and spring vacations? sometimes they match up, sometimes they don't. luckily, summer is a wonderfully free time for all of us.

i've also been well able to teach and run them to their activities -- each child (well 2 of them) is involved in religious school as well as one sports activity per season. The only time i run into trouble is if they overlap -- and then i involve their dad OR other family members OR i drop one off and then leave to drop the other one off.

thanks for the clarification. it sounded to me like you completely agreed with your supervisor -- and that's just not MY experience NOR that of all of the wohms that i know.

eileen

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