SAH IS HARMFUL!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
SAH IS HARMFUL!!!
2888
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:32am

Or at least this woman thinks so.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:37pm
In what I know of your situation, I don't doubt that for a minute. But it sounds to me like you are doing what you whole heartedly want to do with the full support of dh, which wasn't her situation. Keep in mind too that I don't really know what her relationship was to her sons other than what she told me, which is built on her perceptions of the situation. I can see where extreme feelings of guilt could've affected her perception of the situation. It could very well be that her sons didn't see it that way at all, but since they weren't involved in the conversation, how would I know? And since you believe in what you're doing, it could also be that the time you have with your kids is something you look forward to and can enjoy more because you aren't struggling with the issues she had. If you have a strong marriage, and it sounds like you do, I think you'd agree that it makes things better all around. When parents aren't a "united front" and don't support each other, the kids usually sense it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:43pm
Excuse me, but *I'm* not the one who claimed it took "much soul searching" to choose to give up that prize of an ex-fiancee.

And I'm not bitter. Incredulous. Shocked. Even amused (cuz I have a weird sense of humor). But not bitter.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:47pm

Did you ever think one remark would require such a response and so much energy explaining it?


"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:50pm
Because our relationship wasn't failing because my ex was a freakish controlling dictator; it was failing because we weren't suited as mates. My ex is one of my best friends...so is his wife, btw. They are eminently suitable; it's obvious enough Helen Keller could see it. He and I adore each other and we were great in bed, but we are NOT suited to be life partners. However, for the sake of the child we both loved and cherished, we did our best to MAKE a life together. It was not an effort without flaws, foibles and horrible mistakes on both our parts, but it was done of the best intentions and us BOTH wanting the BEST for our child and each other...just doing it the wrong way.

I'm not judgmental of the relationship you had...only of the fact that given what you described about him, you had to "soul search" (your words, I might add, not mine) before deciding to break things off. I simply cannot fathom wanting to be married so badly that such a prospective partner would be considered even slightly, let alone need "soul searching".

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:52pm
Well, then you must have had one of those "FAILING RELATIONSHIPS" because clearly it means WAY WAY more than you or I could possibly understand in a million trillion gazillion years to people with healthy relationships. Even if they did have to soul search before dumping a control freak.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:53pm

My sister is in a very controlling relationship, she has chosen to stay with the guy.

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:01pm
What a waste; I'm sorry she's in such a situation. I just don't get it; not be married is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a person.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
Avatar for nativcalgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:02pm
I'd have to agree with that. I like what ISMA is saying but 6 years is indeed a chunk. My own mom died at 64, like your mom.....so I can totally relate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:07pm

Absolutely. She's not as strong willed as I, or my other siblings. She's always been the odd man out in our family.

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:21pm
VERY well said. And thanks for answering my "ridiculous questions". The only thing I want to point out here is that while, yes, she could've chosen to leave her husband (and perhaps should have) that wouldn't necessarily have helped her to be able to be a sahm unless she was able to go to court and get enough alimony and child support to afford her that option (and maybe she could've gotten it, we'll never know). Had she left her husband, then maybe she could've felt better about woh without having to deal with marital issues on top of it all. Who knows? But as you said, we all have to own up to the choices we make. The way I look at it, she had three choices. She could've "stood her ground" and insisted on sah; she could've left her husband not knowing what the outcome would be or she could woh ft so as not to create any friction between herself and the husband. She chose the latter and was telling me of her feelings about doing so. At that time there was another nurse on our unit who was pregnant and planned to return to woh ft after six weeks of maternity leave as well as another who had a 7-month old son who was in the care of a home daycare provider while she and her dh were working. This supervisor NEVER said anything to EITHER of these women (or the others on the unit who were woh) to suggest that terrible consequences would befall them because they were woh. She just told me of HER experience so that I could put the negative comments of others into perspective.

I don't for a minute regret my decision; neither do you...but some ppl do and she was one of them.

No, you're right. I haven't read all your posts. I've only been on ivillage for one month, not eight years like you. We really aren't that different in our opinions on this subject. What we're doing is debating the validity of someone else's opinion. I walked away from that conversation feeling really good that I had a dh who's so supportive. She and I had this conversation in private on our lunch breaks so nobody else heard it. Had someone else been listening, they may have taken what she said differently. Others on this board obviously did. I just know that it did a lot of good for me to hear about her situation because I will NEVER EVER take my husband for granted when I think about it.

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