For SAHM's.

Avatar for ariesgirl26
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
For SAHM's.
1137
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 5:18pm

For all the stay at home moms, yes I'm one of them. I have one question, do you plan on going back to work once all of your children are in Elementary school? Or do you like staying at home and have decided to never work again? I am just curious, my husband and I have talked about it. I am mainly home just for my kids, to be here when they come home from school is nice, but, I tend to get bored easly, so I have decided once my 3 year old enters into Elementary school, I will be going back to work. I have thought and thought about this, my husband is fine if I decide not to work or if I decide to go back and work. We are financially stable so I can choose to stay home if I want. I would be working so i won't be bored, while the kids are at school all day long. I do plan on working part time, so i can be home when they get home from school. I'm not the type to sit around and do nothing all day, right now my kids are home half the day at least my 5 year old is, so I have her, and my youngest to be home for. I just can't envision myself sitting here all day long with no children around, going gee what do i do now, ain't gonna happen.

I'm done rambling, waiting for replies!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 4:49pm
That's about right - it doesn't become apparent until the fit hits the shan. And we don't want to acknowledge it because it's too depressing. We tell ourselves it's all part of our partnership, where he makes the dough and we dish out the TLC. Blech!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:01pm

Perhaps that's why the courts exist if someone like your DH is unwilling to reach some equitable compromise. You once said you financially supported your DH while he attended grad school, you may have even mentioned sacrificing a job opportunity at about the same time. Plus, you've been married for quite a few years by today's standards.

If you stick with the dissolution of a marriage as indicative of the value of the partnership, maybe it helps to consider what an impartial outsider, the courts, would do ~ not what a disgruntled or manipulative ex would do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:04pm
Well, I wouldn't call that the "money card" -- it's just the practical reality of you having chosen a lower paying field than he did, and having chosen to focus on his career in order to have the lifestyle you enjoy. It was a risk that I assume you took knowingly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:05pm

Very few. I know that a good portion of the US are no-fault states now, arent they? However, the good part of that is that the wife is entitled to 50% of the assets-even if she didnt *earn* them with her own money...

My dad and stepmom just divorced. He got 45% and she got 55% (he conceded 5% since she was losing her health insurance, something he did not have to do but did anyway). She actually is ending up better off than him, because she got the house and he has to go buy a new one, new furniture, etc. and basically start from scratch in that area. But they both walked away with well over a million in assets. Oh and she was a sah and wah over the course of their 30 year marriage. *AND* she got 47% of his retirement. The only reason she didnt get 50% was because she was not married to him the first 3 years he was on his job.

Bottom line, sah/woh isnt necessarily an issue when it comes to dividing assets, nor should it be. The only problem I could really see would be the wife suddenly needing to go out and get a job, but unless she was an 18yo bride with no education and no work experience, I dont see how that would be insurmountable.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:16pm

You're no longer sticking with your original thoughts. You're all over the map now.

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Huh? Your DH dictates vacations and where you live in the event of a divorce; PNJ's DH would use it against her if she were out of work longer than 5 wks looking for the perfect job. That's playing the money card. Other pt wahms here (DJK) and sahms don't see it in their marriage, unless as you originally said we're not being forthcoming or we are deluded and others apparently have better insight into the marriage.

Anyway, since you're no longer sticking with your original position, I wanted to just add that I disagree the dissolution of the marriage is indicative of the power struggles (or their absence) during the marriage. Rather, it has always been my belief that the early days before making a lifelong commitment set an irreversible, undeniable tone for which spouse gets the upper hand during the marriage. If one plays her cards right, no one should be domineering or manipulative or have the money card. If you see that happen when dating, that's when you walk away....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:22pm

I'm sure that scenario has played out in some families.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:36pm

"It's not that I'm stretching the "money card" concept; it's that some would like to define it narrowly enough to sustain the illusion that it matters not who brings in the greater amount. "


I can understand what you are trying to do, but I am also pointing out that this whole subthread started because PNJ said that blatant use of the money card in the form of "I make the money so I get to decide what car to buy" is very standard where she lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:38pm

I do believe that the money card is played but I don''t think that it has anything whatsoever to do with money. Just like rape has nothing to do with sex, it is about power. The same is true about playing the money card it has nothing to do with money it is about power.

You take the money card away from someone who desires that power then they will just find other ways to get the power over their spouse that they want.

Do you really think that a WOHS who would not relieve their SAHS who has been up for 1000 hours would all of a sudden turn into a caring, supportive spouse in a dual WOH household? No, they would still be a jack*** and find other reasons for why their spouse should do the bulk of the household/childcare chores. Money had absolutly nothing to do with why they would not help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:47pm

That may be a key difference between American-style and Swedish-style divorces.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:49pm
She quit to take care of his dying mother who had Alzheimers for 10 yrs and then he threatened to cut her off when she became ill. That's a little more than just the money card being played. That's beyond ingratitude. It sounds like she agreed to this kind of treatment when she met him. They were never partners or equals (or whatever) from day 1. The money card was never her only problem.

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