SAHM's and Money

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
SAHM's and Money
1310
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:57pm
I am a WOHM but have always felt like this, even as a kid. I know it is probably wrong, but it is a strong feeling I have had.
When SAHM's say "I bought this or "I saved MY money for this", I always want to say "YOUR" money? Now, don't get me wrong, my mom was a SAHM and a great one at that but she would get spending money every week, just like I do, while working, but I can't feel technically that it was "HER" money.
Staying home is a hard job, being home today I can say that it is much harder to have a stressful out of the house job AND have kids but it is more physically demanding then my job.
I just feel that any money in the household has been made by the dh and is really "HIS" all the time. He just gives it to his wife to spend. I know this is horrible but I was wondering if anyone else felt this way?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:38pm

"And like I said 600 and some odd posts ago, then you must also feel on some level that your children are more YOURS than your DH's since he didn't carry them inside his body for 40 weeks or labor to get them out."

Both parents raise the child. They both discipline, teach, nurture, and care for the child. Plus, I'm sure the dad works more than 40 weeks in the entire lifetime of the child...




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:44pm
Wow I would never do that... and I don't understand why anyone would. One of my friends made her dh get rid of his collection of 'skull and dragon' stuff because she said it would NOT be in their apartment. How controlling.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:50pm
Sorry. I thought you had posted that before she said she wasn't allowed to use the 'net at work.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:51pm
My guess would be it's less stressful as well...



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 8:52pm

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But you didn't answer my question. If you DH DID outearn you, and for the sake of easy math, we'll say your annual net income is 100K. 30K made by you and 70K made by him. Are you only going to spend the 30K you made and the 70K he makes is off limits to you? Of course not. So why should a relationship in which one spouse SAH be different?

Obviously your attitude about money was learned from your parents. The fact that your inheritance is in your name only, despite be married to your DH for some number of years, speaks volumes to me. My DH is co-executor of my parents' estate. As he's a financial planner and estate planning is part of his job, that's not surprising, but my parents wouldn't dream of saying the inheritance is "mine" alone, financial planner or not. What's "mine" is his and what's "his" is mine.

As for the furniture? Much of it was inherited, so neither one of us "paid" for it, unless you count my grandparents dying as an equivalent to cash, which I don't. The stuff I bought is on its last legs, so the marriage is going to outlast it. The marriage has already outlasted all of the furniture from DH's bachelor pad. If we split, we'd probably each take what we needed to furnish our own homes. I would more than likely take the dining room set b/c I'm sentimentally attached to it. I don't think of it as mine though, I think of it as my grandmother's. Hopefully someday I'll have grandchildren to pass it on to.

I just don't get the whole "I paid for it, so it's mine mentality" in a marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-1999
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:02pm

I don't disagree...most SAHMs work at some point in the marriage and contribute financially to the household, just like a father contributes in raising his children.

So if the children are equally the couple's children when baby is in momma's tummy (and let's face it, momma is doing all the work then), why is it so hard to grasp that the money is the joint checking account is equally the couple's money, even if momma didn't have a paycheck deposited in recent memory?

It's not an either-or thing. Either the kids are "OURS" or they aren't. Ditto the family finances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:08pm
I have no idea. I like to see money as "ours" but I would feel bad not bringing any of it in. Maybe I won't feel bad when I'm home on maternity leave... lol.... but even then I'll be 'bringing in' 55-75% of my previous income depending if i take one year or two off...



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:15pm
yeah, but our ancestor's life spans were pretty short, they had bad teeth, and they stank ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:20pm
NO I can't. WHat if the kids spill their juice on the floor? What happens if on fridge day my son is sick and has to go to the doctor? What happens if on grocery day it is pouring down rain? Life happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 9:21pm
Maybe much less than 40 hours for YOU but not everyone.

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