SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:11pm
Thanks, i think you've covered it all -- and admirably, as usual.
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:14pm
Who says all SAHMs want to be home? Many are home because they feel an obligation to be there, or because their dhs asked them to be there temporarily. I know that is my situation. And if being a SAHM meant that I was to spend all my time keeping an immaculate house I would have gotten a job the second I found out I was being laid off. Now that I see how my house runs much more smoothly with a SAHP I am happier being here but I didn't BEG dh to support me so I didn't have to work.

In fact I had a discussion with dh who knows how much I loathe house cleaning. When I told him that was the major reason I never really wanted to SAH he thought that we would just keep our housekeeper and solve that problem. He really WANTS someone here with the kids.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:21pm

All I did today was go to the gym then go to my kids' playgroup.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:21pm
I agree. Housework isn't the biggest part of managing a household. The things that I do that make dh's life easier extend far more than simply loading a dishwasher or doing a load of laundry. He doesn't have to attend school functions during the day, dr. appts, dentist appts etc. He doesn't have to be home to schedule deliveries or when the exterminator or ac maintenance guy comes. He doesn't have to arrange piano lessons or shop for whatever school stuff the kids need. He doesn't have to worry about buying birthday gifts, grocery shopping, or even buying his own clothes. I do all that, year round. Plus I make sure everyone gets where they need to go when they need to go there.

If dh has to clean the kitchen every now and then it doesn't mean he is spending all night cleaning house. How long does it take to clean up a kitchen after dinner? 20 minutes tops? And how often is he expected to do it? Once a month? It really doesn't seem like that big a deal to me.

Jenna

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:26pm
There are so many things that kids do that just don't require the presence of 2 parents. If both are working though someone has to be there if simply to get the child there. My kids have sports practices 3 days a week during lacrosse season and 4 days a week during football season. The kids just don't require 2 parents there for those things. There are also lots of school events that don't require 2 parents. Our school had cultural day, spring fling, fall fun day, valentines day party, holiday party, end of school year party, etc. Those things simply do not require the presence of both parents. Not attending doctor's appts and school functions doesn't make a father uninvolved.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:31pm
LOL. Like everyone you think YOU are different lol. Do tell how you are different from average? Most of us can't define average let alone tell how we differ from average. This should be enlightening, lol. Chances are you and I are quite close to average.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:31pm
Not everyone has sick time. Some people have sick time in theory but are *strongly discouraged* from using it. Not everyone earns a fixed salary - lots of people get paid hourly and if they are not on the job they simply do not get paid.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:31pm
My garden is ok but if they have some friends who are laundry fairies could you send them my way?

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:32pm
Do tell. What's the issue with Cornell?

http://www.news.cornell.edu/science/May97/parent.time2.SSL.html


Edited 6/2/2004 5:38 pm ET ET by grimalkinskeeper

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 5:33pm
I do fine. Dh doesn't. No biggie since that is being taken care of. I'll be even more fine once the divorce is final.

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