SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:18pm
I'm sorry, does my husband work for YOUR company? Or did you think I was making a generalization for the entire world?

I was talking about MY husband's company.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:18pm
Actually, the study comes right out and says that half of the difference is accounted for in the preschool years. If you do the math, that comes out to about 42 minutes a day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:20pm
Nah, just don't believe it. Everyone likes to think they're really different from the norm when reality is most of us are boringly close to average. BTW, I've read other studies that note that parents tend to grossly exaggerate the time they spend with their kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:24pm
No because there is no disparity between parents in a DWP household. In a SAHP household, the SAHP is primary and the WP secondary by virtue of the difference in the amount of time each parent has with the kids. Dh and I spend about the same amount of time home with the kids because we both work. If I SAH, I would spend 50 more hours a week home with the kids than dh. And yes, WP's do need to spend time with the kids but since there are two of us, one can be spending time with the kids while the other does their share of the housework so the housework we're doing doesn't have to cut into kid time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:25pm
So if your dh was sick instead of your kid, would he still be screwing the company?

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:44pm
BTW, the connotation of the word "screw" is cheat or take advantage of. Is that what you think getting sick is, cheating your employer?

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:45pm
You just know wrong then, lol (most people estimate they spend a lot more time on such activities than they really do so you're not alone). Human interactions tend to be short. Conversations rarely last any time at all. We tend to interact for a few minutes and then go do something else and then interact for a few minutes more. It takes a lot of such few minute bunches to add up to any real time.

How can the difference be so small? First it's averaged over time so this average includes weekends, vacations, holidays and maternity leaves when WP's have just as much time as SAHP's. Second, the theory of diminshing returns does apply here. When you have more time to do something, you tend to become less efficient at it. When you have less time, you tend to use it more wisely. Third, preschoolers sleep a lot. Fourth, dads in DWP households tend to do more (did in this study but I've read since then this gap is closing but this study measures parenting time by both parents.) so they do make up some of the difference.

Take me. I'm boringly average (Like most people, I used to think I did better than average until I actually looked up averages). My kids attended dc appx 8.5 hours a day when they were little and slept 2-3 of those so they spent appx 6 waking hours in dc on work days. I worked appx 65% of the time so they spent an average of 3.9 waking hours in dc as babies. Now, if I had those 3.9 hours, what would I do with them? According to other studies SAHM's spend more time sleeping, doing housework, nurturing friendships and on hobbies than do WM's. I'm sure I would use, at least, half of that time on other persuits so let's say it's 2 hours a day difference. Now apply limiting returns. Because I WOH, I concentrate mother/child time into the evenings and on weekends. Would my weekends and evenings be spent the same way if I didn't WOH? Not likely so I'd probably spend less time with my kids in the evenings than I do now if I SAH and gained those 3.9 hours during the day. That could easily eat up another hour of time to bring us to an hour a day difference. Not too far from the 42 minutes the study found. Now factor in that dads are more involved when moms work and you're there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:48pm
Your logic, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:50pm
No. Many jobs leave plenty of time for family. I'm not talking about working regular hours. I'm talking about working two jobs or a job where you work mega hours and don't leave yourself time for family. There is plenty of time in the week to do/be lots of things but you don't have to do any to the exclusion of others. Dad working two jobs or traveling heavily cuts into family time in a negative way. Kids need fathrs too and not just on Sunday afternoons.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:52pm
Yes, career building takes time. Fortunately, most moms don't. I did my career building (which consisted of doing my plant time to prove myself) before I had kids. I cannot imagine doing that with kids. That kind of lifestyle doesn't leave much time for family.

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