SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:12pm
I woh pt & I sah pt. The hrs I'm at home I parent. I don't do any other things. I hold my baby. I hold my baby while it sleeps. Curled up on my tummy, on my shoulder, cradled in my arms. I hold my baby to feed it. I curl up in the floor with my baby & the toys for play time until feeding & napping rolls around again. I read to my baby. Sing to my baby. Talk to my baby. Endlessly.

When my husband is up (he sleeps days since he works nights) he does these things while I throw some fries & burgers in the oven, throw in a load or two of laundry, sweep the floor quickly, and make up the bed. A good 30 minutes.

We all eat, baby in high chair between us. Baby goes to bed. Husband & I shower & curl up for an evening just for the 2 of us until he goes to work. Minimum 4 hours quality hubby & wife time and that is just M-F.

He walks out the door to go to work & that is the first time I've done anything other than take care of my baby, spend time with my hubby or spent time at the office for other than say 30min. While I'm at the office my mil is at the house doing these things with her grandbaby.

This is how we are choosing to live.

If you only want to spend an hour whether you are home or a working mother in actual one on one contact that is your perogative. If you want to believe reports that state this information to back up your claims, you go for it. But don't tell me that I don't live this way because I chose to live this way when I know I do.

The weekends when we are both off work the time is spent together with the baby. When the baby is napping we cuddle up and spend some quality husband & wife time together with the baby right there.

Dh & I took a few vacation days over the holiday weekend & until he walked out the door 10 minutes ago we have spent every day this way.

Maybe you should look beyond your small window in the world & realize there are various styles of people out there living lives that don't even come close to comparison with any idea you have about your life & those of others, whether they be real people or those used to conduct a report.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:16pm
Can I also answer since I feel the same way, although the question wasn't directed at me?

My mil takes care of our baby when I'm at work. The one time I got sick with strep, she came in to take care of the baby.

Granted, I'm fortunate that I love her as my own mother, she is available & willing to help me.

We like to never had a baby and decided if and when we ever did I'd quit work before we would use a form of daycare or childcare outside of grandparent, sibling, or one of us.

Experiencing daycare as a child, while not unpleasant, is just not something we chose to do in raising our children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:18pm
I've read that post 3x & you are not reading it correctly. I read it over the phone to my mil & she says the same thing I do. Not that it matters but you arguing a point when you have no idea what you are even talking about. I'd mute it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:22pm
She is the problem with issues. Have you read her postings about her dh? Gosh. I'd be embarrassed. No wonder he offered her a book. I'd probably give her the whole store on the subject of marriage for her to read.

I've read the posts you have written & it is apparent & insightful you have a strong, loving, caring marriage from the way you have expressed yourself.

I only woh pt but I basically do no housework, neither does dh. We both decided when we became parents to hire that out. I'm sure she has a strong opinion on that one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:30pm
My hubby sleeps days because he works nights. Why should he get up to go for routine appts? I see none. I'd rather him sleep, get up and spend quality time with baby, put the baby to bed, and we get our nightly 4 hours together. More beneficial to baby. More beneficial to us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:32pm
My dh is thinking about going in to bartending. His friends are making goooood money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:42pm
My dh refuses to take any of my pay from my pt job. He says that is for me to spend. If (and I do all the time) choose to spend that on our apartment, him, the baby, us as a couple or us as a family, that is my decision. But I can take it all, bank it, and he never profit from a penny of it, and that is the way he says he wants it. Or I can spend every penny of it, not even getting the cashed check home from the bank, again, he says honey, that is what it is for, it is all yours.

He wants no help supporting his wife & baby. He isn't too prideful that if we had to have my income or even me to go back to ft woh that we wouldn't use my source. But as long as he can, he will do it all on his own, by his own decision on that. He even plays for the weekly cleaning lady.

I'm sure this poster would find that truly appalling and distasteful & perhaps somehow unfair. But you know, it was my dh's idea, not mine. We then both agreed to it as spouses.

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:48pm
Well, we just have a difference of opinion. I don't think DH should have to take off work for my son's 10-minute 3-year check up. My being there is sufficient. I don't remember if my dad EVER came to a doctor's appointment with me. And it wouldn't matter either way.

And, we haven't had any emergencies yet, but I believe we'd be taking our kids to the "emergency" room, not to the doctor's office should one occur.

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:53pm
So I'll assume that both you AND your DH attend all of your childrens' doctor's appointments by that statement?

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Oh, don't be sad for me or my kids. My husband gets home between 2 and 5 every day but Wednesdays and travels for 2 days ONCE a year. Adding one well-visit to the doctor per year would hardly make a difference.


I find it hysterical that you think it's fine and dandy to be gone 40+ hours a week, yet tout the utmost importance of attending one doctor's appointment. Ya think maybe your both WOH has something to do with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:17am
I would never say that.

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