SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:01am
You do realize there are cases where this UNtrue? huh? Your blanket statements don't fit the molds for every house.

With my dh being in real estate he is often home say all morning with dd & I. That is her up at 6:30am and he is with us until say noon-1pm. This is common 3-4 days a week.

He is home say in the afternoon while she is napping for a couple of hours and we have time as a couple. Again, this is not uncommon or a once a week thing.

Granted he works evenings & weekends because those are huge real estate times with the clients but he is with us so much other times it is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:05am
Jets you are right. Her blanket statements to apply to everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:14am
I have my dad, brother & his wife, my sister, dh's parents, and dh's siblings and their spouses. We all back up for each other any time needed no matter the reason, including taking care of one another's children. My brother's wife has even offered to homeschool dd since she homeschools their kids already. She has also said if I ever wanted to take my brother up on his constant offer to do the bookkeeping & payroll for his 4 restaurants she will take care of dd while I work.

Luckily I do have options. Especially since I would never ask my mother.

With dh being in real esate he is often home all morning while dd is up and then she naps for a couple of hours so we can even make do on our own, another lucky factor.

It took us 10 years to decide we even wanted to have a child and there are just ways we have decided raising her will be for as long as those ways work for us and her. No daycare is definately one of them. We do have a lovely lady who babysits for us on occasion in our home when we go out. She is a family member by way of marriage through my brother so I'm comfortable with her. In a pinch, she could help if other ways weren't working out & we definately needed somebody to watch dd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:15am
I'm sure grimlin will have a statement about that one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:15am
Oh I probably DID spend 20-30 hrs a week out of the house when I was home with my babies. And I had PLENTY of time to get housework done. Thats the whole point. With electricity, hot running water, refrigerators and grocery stores...there is no reason a sahm CAN'T be out of the house a whole heck of alot - and STILL get the housework done. Answering to the children (of any age) first and foremost is simply easier...this is not a child care requirement that prevents housework from getting done...its an excuse to not do housework.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:19am
Sure - its what I expected actually. I wanted my kids to have time to themselves to play and socialize...not to have some adult in their faces the whole entire time. Blech. If a dcp wanted to take a couple hours during the day to wash floors and clean toy (both things that benefit my kids) while the kids entertained themselves and made do without being the absloute centre of attention...I'd have considered it pretty damn appropriate. At any age. As long as the children were appropriately supervied. I suppose alot of people are creating children that *prevent* them from getting any housework done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:23am
I know a few. Of course...you can't discover this by asking the sahms. Its the associated wohds that will discuss it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:32am
Sahms do not have any *misfortune* of geography in terms of ablity to do housework. They may well have the misforturne of very poor time management or organisational skills however. Or they may be of the princess variety. Whatever. Most of them probably couldn't work while raising kids ... even if they wanted to. I'm sure they'd be the ones with a million excuses based on working "I'm out of shape because I don't have time to work out" "my house is a mess because I work" "my kids can't do activities because I work" yada yada yada.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:36am
My dad did take me to some of my doctors appoinments. I still have good memories of them over 30 years later. But he probably would not have taken time off work for them. He worked either mids or afternoons when I was child so was able to do things during the day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:39am
Daycare isn't a substitute for anything. Its a very worthwhile and desireable addition to a child's life. The average fulltime sah, on the other hand, would constitute a pretty poor substitute for a dcp and typical dcp environment.

At age 5 and 4 your husband and his brother were JUMPING ON THE STOVE DOOR? You have just got to be kidding me.

Btw...most kids get lost by their parents.

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