SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:48am

For general appt's, I really doubt a child cares which parent is there, as long as one is there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:53am
We are in the same situation here. If I'm sick, it's usually because dd gave it to me and has it still, so we just sit in the house together, miserable. Dh can't take time off of work, really, and I wouldn't ask. What would be the point? He would just get sick too.

I don't have relatives in the area and dh's relatives all work or have kids of their own.

Yeah, it sucks. We were just sick 2 weeks ago and it was a real misery. But, you deal.

Meldi

Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:56am

I think maybe what she is trying to say (and I might be totally off base here) is that when there is a SAHP in the household and the WOHP takes time off to take a child to the doc's....they are "screwing" the company because they ARE able to work and someone else IS able to take care of the sick child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:57am

but that is something major and/or specialty visit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:59am
when dh can go he goes with me to the doc appoinments and dentists and such.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:02am
Nope. I never said that. You implied that taking time off to care for sick kids is the equivalent of "screwing" your company. I take offense to that. If by screwing, you don't mean cheating, stealing or another negative connotation, how exactly do you define screwing your company?

BTW, when my kids are sick, I take time off, I do virtually all dr's appts. That's because I have a very liberal sick leave policy at work. I guess I'm screwing my employer. Funny, they don't seem nearly as ticked about it as you do.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:04am
I'm glad you haven't had any emergencies yet. We have. Several and it was extremely helpful for both of us to have an established relationship with the doctors that treated our DSes. Our doctors' office is in a building that is attached to the hospital - for some emergencies we have gone straight to the ER and for others we have gone to the doctors' office.

Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:11am
Not that I would ever wish my child to be sick (although I'm sure somebody will take it that way, lol), but it's actually easier when we're both sick than when I'm sick and ds is rarin' to go. We both had rotovirus at the same time in Feb., and we just sat curled up in my chair for a week. So while I'd prefer he not get sick, if he's going to be, I'd rather it be at the same time I am, KWIM?

Dh is in exruciating pain with shingles right now, and as soon as the nausea from his meds passes, he's going to work. So he rarely takes off even for himself. And it wouldn't be any different if I WOH. My work status doesn't affect his choice of jobs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:17am
But why would a WOHP with a SAHP at home be screwing their boss but a WOHP without one not be screwing their boss. The end result it that same, the worker is not there during those hours.

When I was a SAHM my DH took our DDs to lots of doctor visits. At some bases we were stationed at the only child allowed was the child with the appointment and in other cases it was much easier to listen to what the doctor had to say without the distraction of keeping an eye on other kids. It was an excusable absence for him to take his child to the doctor but not for him to come home and watch the other kids while I took the kids to the doctor. So he took them.

If dual WOHP parents were allowed time off for doctor visits but not WOHPs with a SAHP then they would have been held to different standards. There has been lot of talk of how the choices someone makes about their home life should not be taken in account in their work life. It goes both ways. If dual WOHP can take time off to take their child to the doctor and not been seen as screwing their boss then the same holds for the WOHP with the SAHP. Why should the working status of the spouse even matter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:22am
But many employers allow sick leave to be used for family illnesses, dr appts, etc. If the employer has no problem with it, why is it *screwing* the company?

Susan

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