SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:38am

Thank you for answering but you really don't fit the question.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:06am
To some extent I agree with you - I think. I think a high quality daycare program would be better than having a child stay at home full time with his/her without any outside activity - but that is not the case for most of us that sah. We do not sah in a vacuum. Preschool and other activities fill the role that daycare does. Currently, I stay at home fulltime, but my children are involved in activites outside the home. I think that there are pluses and minuses to each. IMO, neither of the extreme cases (extensive daycare hours and secluded sahing) are beneficial to the child. Luckily, most children have happy mediums of daycare and sahing.

Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:19am

Like I said, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:26am

and many employees don't get sick leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:46am
*For us* it helps that both of us go to our dses annual doctor's appointment. It isn't about the child remembering that addy or Mommy took hom to the doctor. It's the practical reason that another set of eyes and ear helps. We both come up with questions to ask the doctor that are spurred from her answers to our questions we brought with us. It's only one appointment a year (we take them both in at the same time). DH's work is closer to the doc's office than our home is - it's not that big of a deal.

DH likes to go on field trips because he can schedule them ahead of time. He has only been able to go on one this year because they limit the number of chaperones on field trips and supply always exceeds demand. He also participated in the Dr. Suess reading lunch hour. They made it around the lunch hour and many wohps made it to the school that day.

DH's participation in scheduled appointments and school events hasn't changed since I became a sahp. It is based on the flexiblity of his job and his want (and DS's want) to have him come to certain events.

When I worked we split the kids sick days 50/50, but now I am home with them. That is an advantage to having a sahp. The disadvantage is that DH (if he is not travelling), has to stay home if I have a knock down drag out migraine, but luckily those have subsided some.

We don't measure our chores or time with the kids to make sure each of us is doing our fair share. It seems all to work out in the end - the house is relatively clena, the kids are relatively happy and we are relatively exhausted.

Janet

Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:54am
I remember those days! I used to purchase smokes for an adult, too. The babysitter. I was probably as young as you, and my reward for walking to the corner market was being able to return a coke bottle or two and *using the redemption money for candy* -- back in the days when a candy bar cost a nickle and you could actually purchase penny candy for a penny.

She used to write a note for the store owner telling him the smokes were for her.

outside_the_box_mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:00am
Those kinds of memories are what create the trusting relationship between kids and adult - so yes...they will "remember" their Dad by those things. Its that kind of involvement that will create the parent-child relationship. A parent-child relationship where Dad only steps in as a playmate or to cover for Mommy, would be more like a child/big brother relationship, I'd think. Kids will effectively remember the degree to which Dad was responsible for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:05am
So your children are being raised better by your dcp than by you? I have never heard this take from a wohm. They are usually quite defensive, saying that they ARE raising their own kids. If you think parents do such a piss poor job, why in heavens name did you have them? In your mind parents are not qualified to raise their own children? So let's turn all babies over to professional, government run facilities because according to op123 that is the safest and best environment for them. Read the Handmaid's Tale lately?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:06am
Many of those things don't require the presence of any parent. But the involvement of a parent in these things, or the other things you mentionned, or lack thereof, certainly defines the nature of the parent/child relationship. If Dads never or rarely there at the the sports events, school events, appointments etc...its going to impact the childrens idea of who and what a Dad is and does. Thats all there is to in. Particularily in terms of who and what a Mom is and does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:09am
The good DCPs (and I agree they outnumber the bad by at least an order of magnitude) don't make the news because they *aren't* news. No more than it's news when the sun rises in the morning. News is the stuff that DOESN'T happen most of the time.

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