SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:56am
I'm thinking it from the same angle Misty. Why would dh cancel showing clients houses and stay home to go to a dr appt with dd for strep when I'm going to be home and he can sale a house?

He can cuddle her, give her the antibiotics, bathe her to reduce the fever, read to her & sleep with her to create a comfortable environment when he gets home after we are done at the dr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:56am
Ok. He'd rather be bartending than spending time with his kids. Got it. I get it. Your husband doesn't want to look after the kids. AND he can make more money in 20 hrs than you can in 46 hrs. Which means, this way, he doesn't get childcare, you don't work 7 days a week and you still have more money. Fine. I'm not sure how you can improve on that given your particular family limitiations (your earning power and his desire to not do alot of childcare). Its one of the life equations I'm going to advise my children to try and avoid though, through earlier life preparation. And one I'm sure glad is not part of my existence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:03pm
I'm completely missing your point.

*My* point was that there are (were - since it has been a very long time since I was in a care position myself) dayhome providers that do things that are completely inappropriate, and that finding a good care provider of any kind can be difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:04pm
No. She got. And I got it. The desire to avoid childcare was a primary factor in their decision. She could have said...the benefits were a)more money b)she doesn't have to work 46 hrs a week c)more family time. However...the very fact that she threw in the part about him not liking his 5 nights of childcare, as a benefit, very clearly defines the importance of that to HIS decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:04pm
You know, I think it really sucks the way subwife's been getting dumped on. Be fair. Why would anyone, man or woman, want to work all day then come home and handle the kids ALONE while the partner rushes out the door everyday of the week? That's a lot like being a single parent, isn't it? So what if he works a couple of NIGHTs on the weekend (when the kids are in bed) and they can therefore have more money and more time as a family.

He wants his kids at home with their mother and he is making sacrefices to make that happen. The eat together most nights of the week (more than I can say for most families I know) and spend time together on the weekends. Sounds like a nice arrangement to me...although I couldn't deal with the military aspect (being gone for extended periods)...that would just be too hard for *me*. But I admire her willingness to make it work.

Lay off.

Meldi
Meldi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:07pm
That is the way I see it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:10pm

I didn't read the whole sub-thread ... in *most* cases, the SAHP home with a sick kid would be sufficient.


However, depends on how sick said kid is and what other kids are in the household, etc. In any case, its not "screwing" your employer; its an earned benefit.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:11pm
You know, if you told me it was a hairline fracture...I'd believe you. But "IN HALF"? Ok.

I really don't think we can order our world in such a way as to accomodate 5 year olds who can realistically be expected to do something as stupid as jump on a stove door the minute they are left unsupervised. That sounds like a very troubled child. What the heck would such a kid do if let loose in a school bathroom? Kids of that nature in our school system have aids attached to them and they occur at a rate of about 1/50 or 1/100 kids (in our school). And the few I know of are autistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:11pm
Can you not see a difference in the hands on time and direct supervision required for infants, toddlers, preschoolers and school aged children? My children are currently 5 and 9 - the amount of supervision and direct care they require is miniscule in comparison to when they were an infant and a preschooler. I can leave both kids in our (unfenced) yard by themselves while I do laundry now - I certainly couldn't do that with a two year old.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:11pm
So do you think that your DH couldn't possibly have broken his leg at home if his mom had been there? Did she hang out the laundry while all her children were with her or did she do it while they were somewhere else? Did they NEVER have accidents while a parent was around?

Just the other night my DS cut his head open because of something stupid *I DID*. Could it have happened when he was in DC? Yes, although it never did. My boys have been hurt in their own home with ME or my parents present more than they ever were at DC.

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