SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:31pm
Don't you think that if only one person is working in a family it makes sense for that person to devote himself to his job and to advancing as quickly as possilbe in that job? After all you are so big on standard of living being a driver for you working.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:32pm
Silly me; I thought it was common sense, too. And to think that, all this time, I should have been insisting dh take off for ds's doctor's appointments...even though that would mean he'd have to work later that night. Yeah, ds would much rather have him there at the doctor's office than playing with him at home...you know, doing fun stuff.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:35pm

ROFL - so I guess I have a child/big brother relationship with my father? He NEVER took off work for those mundane things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:35pm
No marathon games here. Dd's into connect 4, Sequence and Scrabble. Games usually last around half an hour. As for playing with dolls, that kind of pretend play is for kids and they don't need mom directing. I do, however, end up dressing dolls all the time, lol. You'd think they'd be able to make doll clothes that kids can actually put on the dolls.

Both my dd's are independent. "ME DO IT!" was dd#2's second sentence. "I did it" was her first. While I do watch my kids play a lot (I find how they develop and how their minds work just fascinating), it's unusual for me to do the playing. Play is preparation for life and at it's best when it's kid directed. Games, of course, are another animal. They require partners to play.

The closest we can get to a marthon play session is when dd wants to do improv on the piano. She likes me to play the base while she works out the melody but even that is unlikely to go for more than 30 minutes at a stretch.

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:35pm
I don't think you're screwing your company. Doesn't SOMEONE have to be home with your DD??? That IS what time off is for.

What time off is NOT for is my asking DH to take off for something I could very well (and damn well better) do myself because I'M NOT WORKING. Don't you get it?

If you don't HAVE to, why would anyone in their right mind take a day off to take care of their kid when their freakin' wife is home to do it?

Oh, and by the way, I broke both of my arms when I was little. Sure, it's painful at first, but I didn't see my dad taking time off work to sit with me. My MOM was there to do it. That's a benefit of having a SAHM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:36pm
My dd does play house endlessly. That and veternarian. However, like most kids, she does pretend play best when left to do the pretending herself. I would think something was wrong if dd needed me to direct her playing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:37pm
Spending hours a day playing with a child is not parenting. Its sibbling-ing at best. When a parent is doing it, its hijacking time the child needs for independant activity and play, and for social interaction with other children.

The last time I spent hours a day playing with a child on a regular basis - I was a child.

My brain has since then evolved into that of an adult. Which means, it can't be enterained and engaged by the same things that entertain and engage the mind of a young child - certainly NOT for hours a day. Fascinated as I was by the goings on of my own children, I never found it necessary to engage in play with them for hours a day in order to appreciate them or to interact with them. And my fascination with the child never translated into a fascination with the childlike persuits that fascinated them. I assume parents who do this have a strong deisre to monopolize the child's time and I don't view that as a healthy parenting perspective. Let the child be a child for heavens sake, and let the tots positively ignore you for hours on end instead. Let them direct their own play and develop their own interests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:38pm
No, the study gives you enough information to separate out the preschool years. That 42 minutes difference IS the preschool years. It's 23 minutes averaged over 18 years. For all the reasons I touched on and more, the differences simply aren't great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:39pm
You really think a person is going to remember who changed his diapers as a baby/toddler?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:40pm
Another point conceded, I take it.

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