SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:44pm
During the years you are raising kids, it is about the kids. Especially when making a decision to spend less time with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:45pm
Here you should. I grew up with a father who worked two jobs. Fathers are important too and kids lose when they're not around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:47pm
I expect most children or adults would be able to tell you whether their Dad changed diapers or not as a regular thing, based on the kind of relationship they have on an ongoing basis with the father, and based on the kind of responsibility he shoulders for them as time goes on. Back in the day of your father in law, it would have been fairly common for a woman to consider a man to be demonstrating love for and involvement with his children by specifically being willing to work long hours in order to support them all.
Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:47pm
<> There have been times I was not "paying enough attention" to my boys and they were hurt. Perhaps I was in another room folding laundry, perhaps I was in the basement filling the washing machine, perhaps I was outside weeding my garden. NOBODY, not even a parent can supervise their children 100% of the time. Accidents happen even when parents are *with* the child, as happened to my son the other night.

I was babysitting a kid when I was a teenager. I was RIGHT BEHIND him when he went to open the glass storm door and slashed his wrist when the glass broke. Thankfully, his parents didn't blame me or sue me because their child was hurt while in my care.

I just think you're giving a bad rap to a someone who just happened to NOT be the child's parent.

And FTR, I am *not* suggesting that you use DC if you have reservations. I am NOT a huge proponent of DC although I did use it when my boys were younger (it was the best option for us at the time). However, please remember parents are not perfect and kids get hurt in their parents' care as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:47pm
I disagree.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:50pm
Well it certainly wouldn't be the relationship experienced by someone whose father was involved and there for these things, would it? And thats what they told you - a carpool prevented him from doing these things? Ok.
Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:55pm
<>

I don't think that missing work=screwing the company. If you have to miss work, you have to miss work. I have no issues with sick time, vacation, personal days, etc. But MY (as a PTWOHM) asking MY DH to take off work today so he could take DS to the doctor would be ridiculous. HIS taking the day off to do something I could very well do myself COULD, in fact, lose his company and also HIM because he's in sales, money. Planing a day off in advance for a school function carries no consequences for him as he'll just not schedule meetings for that day.

See what I mean now? It wasn't a generalization. It was specific to my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:59pm

Oh, but see, there you are wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:00pm
If one needs 15 hrs for housework, and one is starting out with 40, one better not be out of the house more than 25 hrs during the work week (thats 5 hrs a day). That's the ultimate point here. Time management and prioritization.

Avatar for mygriffin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:01pm
The difference is in the necessity of doing so.

If it's a dual WOHP home, some HAS to take off to take the child to the doctor. There's no way around it.

In a home with a SAHP where said SAHP is capable and available to take a child to the doctor, I don't see a NEED for the WOHP to have to miss work. Of course, you had a need as well by not being able to bring siblings.

Sure the WOHP is still missing work either way, but if DS woke up with a fever and vomiting this morning, asking DH to cancel his meetings so HE could take him when I'm home all day anyway just wouldn't seem like the logical thing to do.

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