SAHM's place in a household

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
SAHM's place in a household
929
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 4:17pm
At the last playgroup meeting I went to, all sahm, the conversation turned to how much everyone did in their house. More to the point everyone started talking about one of the members that wasn't in attendance that day. Apparantly her dh does 50% of the household chores and everyone else was basically saying how lazy she was. The rest gave examples of how they did "everything" in the house down to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash and the main concensus was "what does she do all day", and "her poor dh". They also lamenated how their dh's didn't know how to bathe the children, how they would forget to feed the kids dinner on the rare event they were out and dh was watching the kids, and how the dh's didn't know how to go out with the kids (like grocery shopping).

They don't know me well enough and I just listened but I only do 60% of the housework and almost no cooking. My dh does almost all the shopping and takes the preschooler and baby and he likes to cook. He also works a job and earns a 6 figure salary occasionally doing overtime. He does all lawn and garbarge stuff. He also bathes both the kids. I do everything else plus the bills and if we have problems with anyone about anything my dh likes me to handle it since I can pit-bull anyone and calling the attorney general or the BBB is something I am familar with. I only mention it because these women did say their dh's were the ones to take care of business conflicts and the bills.

This got me thinking what do people consider a sahm role in the house to be? Obviously these women think in order to stay home and do your share, perhaps to make up for not bringing home a pay check, you do almost everything and if you don't you are obviously lazy. I have always thought of sahm as being more for the kids and me. My main concern is doing things with my kids as a family and showing them a good/educational time with their environment. It's really not to make my dh's life easier nor mine but if it happens anyway great. My dh married me for the person I am, not for what I could do to make his life easier. He would never think of degrading me nor threatening me over houswork which is one thing that alot of women in my playgroup said their dh's did.

So what is a sahm role or job duties in your personal opinion? Do you feel a person staying home should have to do more in order for it to be "fair" to the person working?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:27pm
Because its a fairly enjoyable way to spend an evening? Its not that difficult you know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:27pm
Daycare is there to fill a need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:29pm
I have sat in the playhouse while dd is playing in her "yard" out in front of it for an hour at a time because she just wanted me to sit there & watch, but not interact, not be a part of her little pretend family. Sure, I got bored after awhile, but it is so sweet that she wants mommy there. Other times, like today, I'm digging in the flowers while she is doing her own thing, humming her little song right along until she requested her snack before nap.
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:29pm
You write "I think it's reasonable to expect that the SAHP make things easier for the WOHP. After all the WOHP is making things easier for the SAHP by making it possible for them not to have to juggle both job and household responsibilities."

My main point is that not all SAHMs are there because they WANT to be there. Not every SAHM is grateful for each and every day that they are home. Thus they do not see their spouse as doing them some huge favor and feel they must reciprocate by keeping their spouse from ever having to lift a finger around the house.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:30pm
I'm sorry, I've done the opposite shifts thing before, and it just plain sucks to never have the whole family together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:31pm
OH, I'm so glad you said that. If I did go to work, we would have a nanny come to the house. I feel lucky I have that option over daycare!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:31pm
Sounds familiar and according to my MIL, who had a similar situation with no washing machine for many years, she was doing laundry all the time including weekends because she simply couldn't get it all done during the week when her husband was gone. Her housework never stopped, weekday, weekend or weeknight. She very often worked late into the night finishing up the housework while her husband put up his feet and relaxed from the second he got home. He did no childcare whatsoever either...she was positively horrified when dh gave ds a bath because that was clearly "women's work". The ONLY time in all the years that they were raising kids that he helped with a sick child was the time when two of the children had whooping cough simultaneously, otherwise the kids (sick or well) were her job along with all of the housework....I'm not too surprised that she was too busy to notice her daughter's serious hearing problem (which was not discovered until she went to school).


Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:32pm

Well,

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:34pm
You know if family time is the important thing, rather than having the kids home with one parent - why don't you get a job? Bring husband home and let him persue something that won't have him too bagged to parent by the end of the day? I'm sure he can downsize the stress with the presence of a second professional or skilled income in the home.

How can he coach when he is home? Doesn't that require a sort of ongoing committment, generally of at least a couple months duration? Or does the team in question just fold when he's called out again? I know our leagues are selecting coaches and planning seasons months in advance.

Me and Grimlin get it. We are just refusing to pretend we don't. Which is what is irritating you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:35pm

It certainly makes sense and I agree with you to an extent.

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