SAHMs Vs. Working Moms

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
SAHMs Vs. Working Moms
522
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 2:16pm

SAHM, in case you don't know = Stay At Home Mom

I've always been kind of objective about SAHM vs. Working Mom.... because I'm a woman and I know how hard it is to have kids. But, I've recently kind of become irritated with the SAHM side...

Now, I know not all SAHMs are like this. But many are. I'm not really sure if a majority are like this. Maybe it's just a small majority of them. I hate to clump people together, but this really made it hard for me.

I was watching Dr. Phil last night because honestly there was nothing else on. I don't normally watch his shows, but I found this one interesting.

Here's the case, and I see this many times from SAHMs in my experiences talking to other moms online.

She stays home all day and struggles taking care of the kids. She cooks and cleans. Her husband comes home, and he begins to whine when the house is dirty (dusty, smudges on mirrors, little things like that). There was a girl on there basically crying saying she has no down-time for herself. While her baby is napping she is sitting there on edge waiting for her baby to wake up & getting ready to meet its needs.

OK, makes sense. Being a SAHM is not an easy job. You'll be running your tush off doing everything that needs to get done. BUT, I DO feel that when your husband comes home, that things should be clean. Cleaning a smudge off a mirror takes what, 2 minutes? Dusting takes what, 10-15 mins? You can't squeeze that in?

I WORK, I go to school... Our apartment does look trashed during the week but on the weekends while my hubby is at work I clean the apartment. It takes me about an hour to do. I would figure in a full size home it'd take 2 times that, so 2 hours. That's your child's nap time. During the week I do laundry, I cook, I do general hygiene cleaning like dishes.

Before your hubby gets home you can take 10 mins and make sure everything is clean. I know this sounds really old fashioned and sexist, but it just angers me when SAHMs act like they can't do everything in the home themselves. I would LOVE to stay home and take care of Bella all day, bake and clean, take her to the park, go shopping... But I can't because I'm the breadwinner in our family. I have to work.

Seriously, I just wish some of these women who complain about being a SAHM and being so busy and not being able to cope would switch sides with me. Yes, I get a lot of help from my husband BUT I am still extremely busy. I go to school and I work and I care for our child all at the same time. I take her to work with me. I come home and clean (dishes, toilet, etc--basically hygiene stuff--deep cleaning happens on weekends), I cook, I do laundry, etc. I go grocery shopping after a 9 hr. It's hard, really super hard. Sometimes I feel like just giving up, but I can't. I have to work through it.

I know that being a SAHM is not easy work. It's very hard, too. But if your husband is working, he's working hard too. I don't think you should go out of your way to please him and I don't think you should do it FOR him, but I do think it's part of your job to clean your home. What about housecleaners? They clean all day long for a living.... and many of them have homes of their own.

You put your kids in extracurriculars so you have to ship them back and forth in your car. I heard one woman on the show say "Oh it's hard work watching a kids baseball game in the cold." Oh please. Try running your ass off in a hospital all day meeting patients' demands and then after you've been on your feet all day you can go to the store and buy groceries, you can come home and do dishes, you can cook, do more dishes, you can gather the laundry and throw it in the washer, bathe the baby, etc and then when you wake up in the morning start all over again.

I'm just saying. I can't believe some women complain about this. These women are so blessed to have a family that can afford this. What about those of us who work and miss out on our child's milestones? We don't get to see our kids growing up all the time. We miss a lot of that. There is a lot of mom guilt involved in working as a parent.

Not only that but how many times has a SAHM tried to tell me what to do with my daughter and acted like they were better than/knew more than me because they are fortunate enough to stay home? Several.

@@ It just gets annoying to see people with such a gift complain about how hard it is to deal with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 5:52pm
I always find these posts about DH's complaining about their wives housecleaning to be a bit odd. I am far from a perfect housekeeper but I don't think it every crossed my DH's mind to tell me what I should be doing. We are both adults, we are not parent and child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:01pm
Although im gonna have to be honest...if dh started poo pooing to me
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:06pm
"Not tonight, dear. I have to go clean smudges."














iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:19pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:23pm

Yep, you got it...your funny~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 7:06pm

Nope, I don't agree. I didn't agree when I was a sahm for 13 years and I don't now. Household chores and kids are the responsibility of both parents. Work status just dictates when they're worked into the day/week.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2000
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 7:12pm

"First off it the smudge on the mirror bothers the DH so much he should clean it. It wold take about the same amount of time as complaining about it."

I agree. I don't do bathrooms or windows. That's dh's job.

Chris

The truth may be out there but lies are in your head. Terry Pratchett

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 7:25pm

I saw this show. He complained about MORE than smudges on the mirrors. Dishes in the sink, the mess of clothes just thrown in the closet. She had 2 small children and was home all day with them.


The show also had a man on there who wrote a book (with 2 mom's who were on his side) that woman have 30-40 "leisure" hours a week. Root Canal was included as "leisure" time. My dh and I are having a ball with this now-lol!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 11:46pm

Having done both, I say they are about equally as hard. Both WOH and SAH have their good days and bad days. I had smudges on my mirrors either way. I have the right to complain about both if I want.

I do pretty much see it as my responsibility to keep the house clean since I'm home, mostly. But that doesn't mean it always is clean, or that I don't need help keeping it clean. I'm not a neat freak, and if dh wanted a neat freak he would have married one. He's not a neat freak either so it works for us and far be it from someone to tell us how we should run our house and our relationship. If dh suddenly started being a jerk and micromanaging my day, I might start making it my business to see how productive he is at work. I know for a fact that just like me, he has days that are productive and days that aren't.

The thing that can get you down about SAH is that it is the same job day and night, that gets old. When I was working I was happy to finally be home at the end of the day. Now I'm home all day and when everyone else shows up it's like "look, I cleaned that floor twice already today if you mess it up you are going to be cleaning it yourself." That's the other thing. When I was working if I left for the day and the house was clean, I came home it was still clean. Now we are here all day making a mess, so there's more to clean overall. I get so discouraged when I cleaned and mopped and by bedtime it's a disaster again.

Another way to look at it would be that I do my job all day, and dh does his, in the evenings we can split the cleaning and childcare. That is just as fair of a split as SAHM does the cleaning "for him." In reality I don't ask much but I love when dh helps out with the cleaning up. It makes it so much easier when he lightens my load a little, and makes me want to do the same for him when I can. What's even more important is that when he does come home he sees all the things that I DID do, and not nitpick all the little things I might have missed or skipped over. That would drive me nuts. A little appreciation goes a long way.

Things are a little backward with SAH. I used to look forward to the weekend, now I look forward to Mondays. We go on vacation and I take my job with me, I hate that my routine on vacation is so similar to my routine when not on vacation. There's less variety, which can lead to feeling like complaining sometimes. Plus since you don't have a job, everyone expects you to be at their beck and call, and that can be tough to deal with some days. I have no problem if a WOHM wants to complain a little about her struggles, and I think SAHMs deserve to be able to do the same. Frankly, it's taken me 2.5 years to have a really good routine as a SAHM that I feel good about. I feel like coming up on 3 years I'm finally hitting my stride. I'm no June Cleaver, but then, I'm not too upset about that either.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:36am
Plus, I would totally give a blow job to any husband who would dust without being asked.



I'd do it for him just pretending not to see the dust.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket



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Ten Rules for Being Human



"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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