SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:21am

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Well, the employer is demanding he do the job of a Level II Paint Tech which is what he is. However, he is doing the job of a General Associate. He wouldn't be paid $17.75/hour as a GA, he'd make $10/hour. Level IIs are required to go out of town as necessary, they are required to work overtime, they take on special projects and carry them through to completion -- that's why they get paid more. GAs get to leave at 4, they don't have to go out of town, they don't have to do any more than is asked of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:27am

VickiSiggy.jpg picture by mamalahk

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:36am
So,why is he capable of doing it all now, with a full-time job, yet he couldn't do half the work when he was married? He isn't doing half the work when he has the kids, in the current situation. At this point he's doing all the work, but only half of the time. If he couldn't do half the work, all the time, before without causing life-threatening accidents at work, how is it he can suddenly do it now? Sounds like the couple's issues went much deeper than mom expecting dad to help out. IMO *she's* better off without *him*.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:44am
Sorry, incomplete phrasing. Of course I need my husband for things other than housework. However, if I'm working a full-time job, carrying all the benefits, and expected to do all the household chores plus childcare, why do I need him? If I'm doing everything, what is his purpose? Is he merely there for decoration? I love him, but I didn't get married to become a maid, a nanny, or a housekeeper. My personal theory (of which I've told dh several times) is that if I'm helping to bring home the bacon, he can help cook it. I'm not interested in 50/50 splits or anything so severe. If something needs done, do it. If you don't know how, ask me and I'll show you, but do it. I'll do the same for him as I expect him to do for me. I want an involved husband and father, or none at all. Love comes second (and in reality I could not love a man who was not involved except for his paycheck).
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:44am
Yup.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:14am

Oh, please. I didn't say you lied. A lie is a deliberate attempt to mislead by stating an untruth or partial truth. I simply said you got it wrong. Based on your own posts.

You recanted part of your story. If you can't remember where you did that, then perhaps you should post more carefully.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:18am

If they don't take trips very often, then how many has J declined? If it's a first occurance, given the extenuating circumstances, I'd say that's pretty reasonable. If he's declined two or three in a 4-month period, I'd say 1) that's not occasional travel, and 2) J needs to re-think if this is the job he wants to have.

If he's only declined 1, then I'd say my original assessment was correct - his boss is an ass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:25am
My husband was already supposed to go on the trip -- someone else "covered" for him. That wasn't the point. The point was that it ticked off the boss. It's J's project.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:33am

No, if I recanted, then I took back a lie. That's what a recant is. And you still didn't tell me where I recanted.

I was asked for clarification and I gave clarification. That's not contradicting myself. I can say I work at a staffing agency and I'm an accountant in 2 different posts. Both are true although it would appear to be a contradiction. If I said K has help available to her in one post and say in another that she won't accept help, that's not a contradiction.

If you think I'm going to scroll through 400+ posts to find the error you think I made, then you're mistaken. You made the statement - I asked you to tell me where I lied (recanted, whatever you want to call it).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:39am

And your original assessment that the boss is an ass is correct, but that's not the point. If he gets upset enough, J can be demoted (less pay) or fired (no pay). The point of the post was, couldn't K lay off a little if the boss is getting upset?

That they don't take trips very often intensifies the importance of the trips. I don't know the last time J went on a trip, but I'm fairly certain he hasn't been out of town since K became pregnant, which would have been over a year ago.

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