SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:45pm
Really?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:57pm

In your OP, you said that J was doing all the work in the evenings and at night and that "the only time she is bothered with them is when she is home alone". When somebody else found it pretty implausible that a mother of preemie twins could manage to not get up at night, you said (post 19) "who even implied that she wasn't getting up at night?". (The very reasonable reply was "you did".)

Your initial OP paints a very deliberate picture of a woman who cares for the twins only when her dh is not at home- when she is home alone. That is what the phrase "the only time she is bothered with them is when she is home alone" says. And yet you recanted that with "who even implied that she doesn't get up at night?"

The OP was intended to paint her in the laziest possible light. You claimed that her husband did EVERYTHING when he was at home and then recanted- yes, recanted, this exaggeration/hyperbole/false claim when other posters didn't believe it.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:16pm
No, that is not what recant means. I have to say I am a bit humbled to have finally met someone who apparently can never say something in error unless it is a deliberate lie. Up until now, everyone I've met has had the human failing of occasionally saying something that is simply incorrect.
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:21pm

IMO the point isn't that K nees to "lay off". The point is that they both need to come to an agreeable solution. K isn't forcing J to do anything. She can't. He's a grownup. He can tell the security guard not to page him if K calls. He can tell K he simply can't come home at 4:00 every day, and make alternate arrangements on those days. He can encourage K to see her doctor to rule out PPD. He can hire someone himself to help out with the babies. He can do all sorts of things that would allow him to meet his job requirements. And he can also get a different job, if the one he has is incompatible with the type of parent he wants to (or has agreed to) be.

The point is, his options aren't limited to "do what K wants".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:40pm

How about because actually feeding his family is important as well? Do you really think he'd be getting more sleep by allowing the mom to do all of the night time feeding? I've BTDT and it doesn't happen that way. If one is lucky enough to have them on the same feeding schedule, which rarely happened in my case, then one baby is screaming in hunger, which often makes the other baby upset. Once the feeding is done (finally) the babies both need to be burped and rocked back to sleep. If only one parent is doing this, I guarantee the other isn't getting any sleep regardless of whether or not they're actually helping with the feeding. If J truly wants to sleep, he'll get up and feed the baby mom can't get to right away.

MM, who used to prop both babies in their carrier/car seats and hold both bottles at the same time. Nevertheless, this can still create problems, especially late at night. It also doesn't do much for the baby who wants to be held, or isn't getting burped when they need it. This whole attitude of K being able to do all the childcare because she doesn't work is utter nonsense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:49pm
i agree. as one of the two adults in the situation does the wife have any responsibility to change her expectations to get to that agreeable solution
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:01pm
The expectation it would be best for her to change is that he will never do any overtime. But even if she doesn't change that expectation, he can (and apparently sometimes should) do overtime to deal with a work emergency. He is not mandated to leave his coworkers in a lurch in an emergency simply because his wife expects him to. He can do the overtime and simply accept that she will probably be upset when he gets home. He can explain to her why he is later than usual. She will then be less mad or she won't. But the fact that she will be mad should not stop him from doing something that is required by his job- if in fact it is required.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:34pm

I have a sister who lives 1 mile away. That doesn't mean I have a built in babysitter....

My sister works full time and is finishing her master's degree.

My point is just because she has family nearby doesn't mean she has access to help anytime she needs it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2005
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:21pm

What an assumption.

Working moms don't get paid less because they are tired and also do night shifts with the kids.

A dad who helps out and takes a share of the child care duties--especially for infant twins, is not going to risk his livelihood just by virtue of being a partner in the home.

Having small infants is difficult and draining, period.

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:23pm

What does K do at home at night?

When I was SAH, my DH came home from his job and "took over". I never sat down and ate bon bons - usually I was doing something for the house, for the kids, for us, etc. I was still "working". I definitely needed a "break" at times from dealing with little one all day long. I was the one doing all the night duty (overnight) but DH did not have earplugs in and was a little sleep-deprived for a bit - and that's only with one!

As far as napping when the babies are napping - ask MM about this, but I didn't know that twins automatically slept according to the same schedule.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03

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