SAHM/WOHD Issue
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| Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm |
My husband came home the other day with this story:
His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.
K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....
K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.
Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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If he does all that is required of him, but doesn't do the "extra" because he needs to get home (and his hours are until 4PM) it is not unreasonable for him to leave at 4PM.
His boss could get sued for his comments with no basis in fact or no prior action/steps being taken.
Jennie
I'm not buying the claim that she refuses all outside help. It's inconsistent with the claim that her dh do "everything" the minute he gets home. It seems implausible to me that new mother would simultaneously insist that she get no outside help and that her husband do so much so often that he is in danger of being fired.
edited to add that baysitting is not the only form of outside help. If she is all stressed about preemie illnesses (RSV etc.) and therefore truly doesn't want anybody else breathing on them but her and dh, help can be given in other ways. A good friend (or family member) could bring over dinner(s). Could take the grocery list to the store and relieve her/him of that chore. Could mow the lawn (it being summer). And so on. Helping with chores is helping too. And every chore that neither of them has to do is a burden off their backs.
Edited 7/17/2006 3:44 pm ET by susannahk2000
Jennie
Jennie
You also didn't give birth to those two babies. I was a nanny for twins when I was 19. The mom was 35 and had a c-section 8 weeks her due date. I have no doubt that her fatigue was much greater then mine taking care of the babies. I am now 35 and have given birth to 6 full term babies and I can attest to the fact that I am way more fatigued then I was at 19! I recover from childbirth very quickly and get back into the groove of things quickly but it has taken it's toll on me. I felt the fatigue the greatest not right after my babies were born but several months later, not all babies sleep blissfully through the night by 3-4 months.
Amy
I beg to differ with you. What do you call the mommy track. Do you think they invented that name for nothing?
Many women make, voluntarily and otherwise, make changes to their careers once children are born. Many career paths are set up for one kind of worker, the man with a SAHW who takes care of all that bothersome family stuff.
For starters because he's doing less now and not dealing with a nagging witch on top of it. Now he is the parent on the spot half the time. Before it was all the time he wasn't working. Now if he has a bad night with the kids he knows that he can sleep tomorrow before he never got to sleep. Nights were his because she had days.
The downside is he doesn't see his kids every day anymore but he doesn't get nagged at because he's not doing his "half". Her definition of half was warped. His half was half of 24 hours not half of the time he was home. Now it's half the time he's home.
Edited 7/17/2006 4:54 pm ET by kbmammm
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