SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:25pm

If he does all that is required of him, but doesn't do the "extra" because he needs to get home (and his hours are until 4PM) it is not unreasonable for him to leave at 4PM.

His boss could get sued for his comments with no basis in fact or no prior action/steps being taken.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:31pm
i agree. but that doesnt change the fact that something in that house is not going well for either parent, from the sounds of things. while i dont know alot of parents of twins the ones i do dont seem to have the issues present here. it just sounds to me like they both need to wake up and realize life is now different and will be for the rest of their lives and for the short term bring in some outside help, which is not unheard of for new parents of multiples or even single babies - sometimes we all need help, its not a reflection on our parenting
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:37pm

I'm not buying the claim that she refuses all outside help. It's inconsistent with the claim that her dh do "everything" the minute he gets home. It seems implausible to me that new mother would simultaneously insist that she get no outside help and that her husband do so much so often that he is in danger of being fired.

edited to add that baysitting is not the only form of outside help. If she is all stressed about preemie illnesses (RSV etc.) and therefore truly doesn't want anybody else breathing on them but her and dh, help can be given in other ways. A good friend (or family member) could bring over dinner(s). Could take the grocery list to the store and relieve her/him of that chore. Could mow the lawn (it being summer). And so on. Helping with chores is helping too. And every chore that neither of them has to do is a burden off their backs.




Edited 7/17/2006 3:44 pm ET by susannahk2000
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:38pm
Does he get a lunch hour? I used to nap on lunches when I was in my first job out of school - medical information technology. You can do whatever you want to do on your lunch hour.
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:43pm
i dont know if she is or not, i dont think either of us do. but i have known new moms, especially first time moms, who do not want any outside help because they feel it makes them look like they are not able to take care of their child/children. to me it just sounds like if they really are having these issues than some or more outside help might get them thru this initial rough time.
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:48pm
i agree but would say that applies to both of them. not that the mom is going to get a lunch hour in the normal sense of the word but i would think that at some point during the day there would be some time when both babies are asleep at the same time
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:38pm
But do the moms who insist on no outside help because it implies they can't take care of their kids, also insist that their husbands do literally ALL child care once they get home? What seems inconsistent to me is that a new mom would be insisting both things- because the two things clash with each other. If she was truly refusing all outside help because it would paint her as unable, why would she be equally insistent (according to the OP) that she only care for the children when her dh is at work and that he do it all once he gets home? Wouldn't that ALSO paint her as unable? I believe that there are women who refuse outside help because they don't want to feel incompetent. And I believe there are women who insist that they are "off duty" the minute their husbands get home. What I don't believe is that these two radically different approaches to parenting could co-exist in the same woman at the same time. That's why I'm saying it doesn't add up.
Avatar for 4thekids2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:45pm

You also didn't give birth to those two babies. I was a nanny for twins when I was 19. The mom was 35 and had a c-section 8 weeks her due date. I have no doubt that her fatigue was much greater then mine taking care of the babies. I am now 35 and have given birth to 6 full term babies and I can attest to the fact that I am way more fatigued then I was at 19! I recover from childbirth very quickly and get back into the groove of things quickly but it has taken it's toll on me. I felt the fatigue the greatest not right after my babies were born but several months later, not all babies sleep blissfully through the night by 3-4 months.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:47pm

I beg to differ with you. What do you call the mommy track. Do you think they invented that name for nothing?

Many women make, voluntarily and otherwise, make changes to their careers once children are born. Many career paths are set up for one kind of worker, the man with a SAHW who takes care of all that bothersome family stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:51pm

For starters because he's doing less now and not dealing with a nagging witch on top of it. Now he is the parent on the spot half the time. Before it was all the time he wasn't working. Now if he has a bad night with the kids he knows that he can sleep tomorrow before he never got to sleep. Nights were his because she had days.

The downside is he doesn't see his kids every day anymore but he doesn't get nagged at because he's not doing his "half". Her definition of half was warped. His half was half of 24 hours not half of the time he was home. Now it's half the time he's home.




Edited 7/17/2006 4:54 pm ET by kbmammm

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