SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:18pm

***"Require" is the key word here. Of course I would have never required my husband to do that. But, if I had asked him, he would not have laughed at me. Asking and requiring are 2 different things.***

You are right it is the key word. My DH would have thought it was hilarious that I would ask him to get out of bed and bring me the baby. Like I said, he has to get up and go to work. It really wouldn't make sense for me to ask him to get out of bed because I didn't feel like walking into the baby's room. Especially since I would have to go right back in there to feed the baby in the glider.

*** Parenting, to me, is everything you do for your child or to help your spouse with your child. My DH enjoys nearly everything about it. Yours would laugh at you, according to what you posted. Maybe I misunderstood?****

No you didn't misunderstand. However like I said, I don't think getting my DH up in the middle of the night when I have to get up anyway is parenting. We just have a different definition. It would be like my DH getting up at 5:15am like he is this month for his day shift and asking me to get out of bed to get his shirt in the closet because he doesn't feel like it. I would laugh at him.

***I think we basically agree, but my husband would not laugh at me asking him to do something like that.***

Ok.

*** Oh, and BTW, I only asked him a handful of times to help me in the middle of the night with all 3 of our kids. The last one, I had a hard time recovering from and he had to do a lot around here so I could rest.***

Again that is different. I think I explained that this woman that I know required her DH get up in the middle of the night EVERY night, with all 3 children, and she would nurse the baby in their bed, then ask him to take the baby back to the nursery. Her last child awoke 2 times per night until he was 10 months old. Her DH was a wreck that year with no sleep. That in MHO is ridiculous. If I were sick, or healing, or needed help he woiuld gladly do it. However if it were simply because I was just too lazy to do it myself he would laugh.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:18pm

Of couse we don't know why they feel they have to lie. It could just be *them*. I think I mentioned elsewhere in this thread that my ex was always going on to his friends about how I would be sure to throw a fit over things I would never in a zillion years have thrown a fit over. Confused the heck out of our friends.

It could be as simple as that's the model they grew up with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:19pm
My youngest was sick so my doctor was great and wouldn't sign me out until she was ready to go home. We went home after 5 days. However physically I was good. I have been really lucky to heal as quickly as I did with both sections.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:20pm
I don't doubt it - guys like that are always one step (or one drink, or one dare, etc.) away from cheating. Lying is lying and trust is something that is earned.
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:20pm

Or maybe they haven't all lied to their wives, and only two of them have or something, but they are saying it to be "cool" or something.

I know this guy at work, and he was complaining about wives last year...but I know there aren't problems in their marriage, as my mom is good friends with the wife. His wife and their kids come to the office a lot, and he's a really good husband/dad.

it could just be an image thing...

(but i don't know lots of guys, and have only had one boyfriend, so i don't know.)

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:23pm
Wow. I'll have to ask my sister who had a scheduled C if it was better. Mine was emergency after 23 hours of labor. Not fun (not that any birth is really "fun", lol). I'm hoping to be able to go natural with this one!
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:25pm

***I don't see how her asking her husband to be home after his shift is over is unreasonable.***

I don't think so either. However there are occasions when her DH has to stay late. She is being unreasonable that she freaks when he has to stay late.

***I know of MANY fathers who have wanted to be in on the whole nighttime interaction (my DH included - I had to tell him "go to sleep, I've got it" because he used to get up with me to change DS's diaper - oh yea, and he was working a pretty demanding job at that point too - guess what, a little lost sleep didn't hurt him).***

You are confusing needing to get up due to a problem and me poking him to get out of bed to go get a baby out of the bed and hand the baby to me. Then get out of bed to put the baby back in the bed. Like I said in another post...if he got me up at 5:15am in the morning to get him a shirt out of the closet simply because he didn't want to get it...I would laugh at him. That is fine your DH got up to help change a diaper. I had that under control and since I was nursing there was no need for him to go get a baby for me. I could walk, and function just fine. Was your DH going into a crime area with a gun and dealing with criminals?

*** The father holds as much responsiblity for the baby(ies) as the mother. And the mother in the case of the OP is outnumbered by the babies. She needs help, he needs to give it to her. ***

Who said he shouldn't?

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:30pm

"At 4 months old these babies can hardly be considered premature."

You obviously have no clue about preemies. MSM will most likely enlighten you, but my cousin had twin preemies - they weren't allowed to leave the HOUSE for the first year (they were born at 27 weeks). By a standard calendar they are a year older than my 2.5 year old son. By *their* developmental calendar, they are YOUNGER. 4 months most certainly is "newborn" WRT preemies.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:30pm

***And this woman's might be the same, or worse.***

She told you in the original post. They were BOTH home and 4 months old. This isn't about you...this is about someone else.

***How can you call her a "wreck?" She's at home with preemie twins. They are preemies at 4 months too ya know....they don't instantly catch up. Do you know that they are in perfect health? Do you know she doesnt have PPD? Do you know anything? Um, no. Yet you judge and call her a "wreck?" Nice.***

Her DH HAS A JOB. What are you going to do at your job run home from out of town because your DH is tired? Why is it ok for her to jump all over her DH because he is WORKING to provide for their family? It isn't as though the man is out playing golf or at a bar. If her children are not in perfect health or she has PPD then she and her DH need to get her help, or medication to help with her medical problem. Taking it out on her DH because he is working is nonsense, and not productive at all.

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:34pm
So has the husband asked for help at work?
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03

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