SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:34pm
Sort of a rocking chair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:35pm
I missed that in her post. I didn't see where he is talking down his wife. I can tell you that if he is discussing his issues at home with a friend or co worker then there is a huge problem. Men tend to handle a lot of that stuff internally and he might be seeking out an answer instead of divorcing her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:37pm
Well lets see...we can only go on what the post says. If that is any different than how would we know. We have to sort of stick to the topic at hand and not try to assume that the OP is lying or someone else has misrepresented the facts. I am doing my best to go on what she said, if you want to waiver off the topic then I will refrain from responding to you. It would be endless to post a lot of what ifs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:37pm

>>jet skiing or saving my marriage - why should that even be a choice - men and women should be able to go out a spend a day without their spouse doing jet skiing, golf or pretty much whatever (im not including cheating here) without the spouse having a fit - but it does happen.<<


I think this is the root of the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:41pm
"No you didn't misunderstand. However like I said, I don't think getting my DH up in the middle of the night when I have to get up anyway is parenting. We just have a different definition. It would be like my DH getting up at 5:15am like he is this month for his day shift and asking me to get out of bed to get his shirt in the closet because he doesn't feel like it. I would laugh at him."

I wouldn't exactly compare a shirt to his own flesh and blood.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:42pm

"jet skiing or saving my marriage - why should that even be a choice - men and women should be able to go out a spend a day without their spouse doing jet skiing, golf or pretty much whatever (im not including cheating here) without the spouse having a fit - but it does happen."

According to this group of men, ALL of their wives throw hissy fits should they go out for a day with the guys doing something completely harmless (according to them), one that does not involve strip clubs, or anything like that. I find it VERY hard to believe that this is the case with all of these wives.

"in that case i dont think saving the marriage would be tops on my list"

I was speaking in the voice of the guys there - i.e., is a day out with the guys worth throwing away all of the trust in a marriage? If the guy lies to his wife about what he's doing, then his answer is "yes".

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:47pm

"K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies,"

Um. . .how is that any different than my assertation that her family lives locally? Wow, local isn't a half mile anymore?

How does the OP *know* that these women (mother and sister) are at K's beckon call? My mother and sister live locally to me (is it okay for me to use that word?) and in 2.5 years, they have babysat *maybe* 4 times total. My sister has a very busy job and life, my mother works and also has a very busy life. Of course they have said "we'll help out" at times, but I've found that when I've asked for help, often they physically cannot help me due to something else they have planned. We're *very* close, but it doesn't change the fact that they often cannot help me. What insight to this "K's" life does the OP have to justify that she KNOWS the mom and sister can come help w/ the babies? And what knowledge do *you* have that they can do so?

You said K had "plenty of help" - I would like for you to define this if my interpretation of what you said is incorrect.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:53pm

Here's the entire post #1 - I don't see the word "freaks" - do you?

The OP has already recanted parts of her story, and even she said in this very post that the story is very one-sided. Yea, I'd put myself out on a limb defending that.

I've noticed a trend - every person on this board who has been a staunch defender of the man's story in this post, herself has said something to the extent that her DH doesn't help around the house, or that her DH doesn't help with the babies, etc. Quite an observation.

"My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard."

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:53pm
Well I wouldn't call getting my DH up in the middle of the night because I am too lazy to parenting either.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 3:55pm

Here's a novel idea: he might want to talk about the situation with his WIFE.

Wow.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03

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