SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:22am
So what's your degree?
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:22am

"If you are so fatigued that you could die and you chose not to nap while your babies are both sleeping then that is a CHOICE. My DH does NOT have a choice. Sleeping on the job is not a choice he has."

Is it really that impossible for you to imagine a scenario where "Sleep when the baby sleeps" simply doesn't work? Some twins do NOT nap at the same time. I couldn't have napped when dd napped because I had a non-napping 3 yo to take care of at the same time. Sometimes there is NO possibility for the at home parent to nap at all during the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:24am

***He has a choice to take a sick or personal day if he is that fatigued.***

He isn't fatigued. I SAH remember?

***There is always a compromise that the parents can take turns waking up each night, so that the other parent is not always the one that is fatigued.***

Sure they can. However that is silly since I was nursing a baby and he can't help with that. So I find it silly to wake my DH so he can go get the crying baby to bring him to me to walk right back into the nursery to nurse the baby and put him back to bed.

***I would love to hear the solution of how you think my DH and I took care of babies, both being a year apart, when we were both police officers.***

Then I don't blame you for taking turns. However that wasn't the issue at hand. The entire debate was why would a SAHM make her DH get out of bed to care for a baby in the middle of the night knowing he had to go to work the next morning. Not to mention a mother that is nursing and dad can't exactly help there. If you would have followed the thread then you would have known that. Also to add here on the PD female officers work desk jobs during her entire pregnancy and is given 12 weeks off and then returns to a desk job for up to 6 months after she returns. So when you were on maternity leave did you get your DH to get up during the night when he had to go into that bad neighborhood the next day?

***So blame it on the woman, who seems to take a backseat in the marital relationship in your book.***

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA. I wouild say the same exact thing if it were a SAHD. Your personal definition of my view of women in a marriage is so wrong on so many levels it is humorous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:30am

***How is that relevant?***

Just another example of a woman that is a wreck.

*** Except of course to show that your DH would laugh at you should you request nighttime help with his children, God forbid.***

Again I would love for you to post where I said if I requested his help he would laugh. I don't believe I ever said that.

***I see, it's relevant because you have the same type of DH that the OP has - one that expects her to do everything - so when you hear about a woman who expects her DH to pitch in, you think she's "a wreck". Got it.***

Nope...wrong again. However when my DH has to get up and go to work the next day I EXPECT to get up with our children during the night. I think it is very silly to wake him to simply walk into the bedroom to go bring me the baby. As long as I am not sick, or recovering that is just flat out lazy, and inconsiderate. You might want to actually keep your personal definition of what I say to yourself. So far you haven't gotten one right.

*** Yes. . . and processing, processing. . . nope, still can't decipher HOW she knows the mother and sister can come to help with the babies, other than their sheer proximity to her own home.***

Well for the sake of writing an entire book in her post she posted that information. Are you saying that she is lying?

*** My example was extremely relevant - showed how a caring, LOCAL (i.e. within a MILE, gee, sorry that's more than a half mile so I guess it makes my situation like apples to oranges) family members cannot always help out.***

No it isnt relevent. She original poster CLEARLY wrote that for this woman her family CAN help out. In your case your family can't. How is that relevent to this situation?




Edited 7/19/2006 9:35 am ET by copwife35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:31am
I agree...maybe she should be working. These babies seem to be too much for her to handle. No sorry, I am not buying that he doesn't want to help out. The OP said that he does everything when he gets home. In our family I take care of the children when my DH is working. When he comes in the door we split the responsibilities 50/50. That is how it should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:35am
I am not disagreeing with that. However if mom is exhausted and choses to get behind the wheel of a car that is just stupid. This poster said that she didn't always sleep when her babies slept. I said that if she chose not to sleep when her babies were sleeping then that was her choice.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:35am

And I take it your twins were significantly premature?

Oh, and the OP said the husband has been complaining about helping out at night (i.e. not just overnight, but when he got home at night and should have been able to sit back and let wifey serve him). Would that fly with you as well?

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:38am

No she didn't say that. I would be complaining if my DH came home and sat while I served him. Just as he should complain because he is working all day and comes home and has to:

<<>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:38am

The original poster wrote that the wife has family nearby. She has no idea whether they can help out or not. When somebody else replied , "well then her family SHOULD help out, and so should friends (the OP's husband)" the OP claimed that the wife refuses all help. So the only thing that I see as consistent from one post to the next is:

1)there are preemie twins

2)both spouses are very tired

3)the OP will add whatever details to the story are needed to make the wife look unreasonable, spoiled and lazy whenever somebody starts to take the wife's side.

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:39am

When OP recants statements, the post itself needs to be challenged.

Haven't you ever taken a debate course?

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03

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