SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:42am

"He isn't fatigued. I SAH remember?"

IF he didn't laugh in your face when the baby started crying and actually woke up to tend to HIS child and he was oh sooooo tired the next day, there's always a choice of taking a day. That's IF your DH cared enought to get up with the baby.

"Sure they can. However that is silly since I was nursing a baby and he can't help with that. So I find it silly to wake my DH so he can go get the crying baby to bring him to me to walk right back into the nursery to nurse the baby and put him back to bed."

Your DH must be thanking his lucky stars that he doesn't have breasts!!

"Also to add here on the PD female officers work desk jobs during her entire pregnancy and is given 12 weeks off and then returns to a desk job for up to 6 months after she returns. So when you were on maternity leave did you get your DH to get up during the night when he had to go into that bad neighborhood the next day?"

Well, that's nice that you have such a cushy police dept. It doesn't work that way here. No desk job here after maternity unless you are on limited duty, but giving birth and then going back to work doesn't equal desk duty when you return.

Do you doubt that NYC has bad neighborhoods, hence the snarky comment?

No, actually DH and I work in a small hick mountain town where the worst behavior people exhibit are stabbing in each other with toothpicks that they use to clean their missing teeth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:42am
Except that you keep insisting that the SAHP can always nap but the WOHP can't. What if a child is sick and has to be driven to the doctor? There are times when one simply has to go out of the house, however sleep-deprived one is. And frankly, there are plenty of really nasty accidents waiting at home when one is truly sleep-deprived.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:43am

***The original poster wrote that the wife has family nearby. She has no idea whether they can help out or not.***

Well if she wrote that the mother and sister can help I am sure that is because the DH said that the mother and sister have said that they can help out. That is what I am going on.

*** the OP claimed that the wife refuses all help. ***

Well the woman sounds like the woman that I know. The woman that I know when she had her 3rd child I offered countless times to help out with her girls, or with the baby. She always refused. Yet she would call her DH and scream at him to get home. Sounds like both these women have no balance at all.

***3)the OP will add whatever details to the story are needed to make the wife look unreasonable, spoiled and lazy whenever somebody starts to take the wife's side.***

I agree that both are tire, and the babies are a lot of work. Yet there has to be a balance. In our situation that is what we have. If you don't balance your life with children serious marriage problems will arise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:44am
No I didn't take a debate course. However where did she recant her statement?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:45am
I think it is really silly to assume that what the OP said in the first post is an accurate picture of the situation. What the OP is mainly being challenged on is the accuracy of the negative posrtrait she has painted of the wife- which is a perfectly valid debate.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:46am

Getting a bit testy there!

You asked for it:

" I love hearing how (the one I know) expects her DH to go get the baby in the middle of the night and bring the baby to her, she nurses the baby and he takes the baby back to bed. Cracks me up....****************my DH would have rolled over laughing at me **************if I told him to do that. "

Ready for my apology now. Thanks.

"No it isnt relevent. She original poster CLEARLY wrote that for this woman her family CAN help out. In your case your family can't. How is that relevent to this situation? "

Because if any person with whom I work were to assess my situation, they would probably say "she has a mother who lives within a mile and can help out" when the reality is, this person is FAR REMOVED from the situation.

The OP is three persons removed from the situation and has no clue if the mother and sister CAN actually help. Do the mother and sister work? Does the sister have kids? Does the mother have a health issue? There are ALL sorts of private pieces of information that the OP is not privy to. All she knows is that the husband was sniping to his co-worker about his wife who calls too much and heaven forbid, asks him to help out at home.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:47am
As someone with a bachelor of science degree in Aerospace and Ocean Engineering, I wholeheartedly agree with you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:48am
And if what you are saying is true, then you are an engineer!
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:48am

You have reading comprehension issues if you thought I said she should be working outside of the home.

"I agree...maybe she should be working." - SHE IS WORKING. Have you taken care of two preemies? Nope. Didn't think so.

"That is how it should be."

Well thank you copwife35, for letting the rest of us know what life should be like. I feel so enlightened.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:50am
And if Dad is exhausted and chooses to go to work rather than calling out sick, that too is just stupid.
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03

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