SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:50am
I understand not having DH fetch the baby at night if you are BFing, but did your baby always go back to sleep after feeding? Mine didn't. Then you'd be up another couple of hours with an awake baby until the next feeding. DH and I took turns with those awake night periods with baby number 2 because her 3 year old sister wasn't napping anymore, so I couldn't nap during the day. The 3 year old considered baby's nap time to be her alone time with mom, and there was no way she was going to nap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:51am

***IF he didn't laugh in your face when the baby started crying and actually woke up to tend to HIS child and he was oh sooooo tired the next day, there's always a choice of taking a day. That's IF your DH cared enought to get up with the baby.***

Your a cop...you should know better. STICK to the facts. I never said my DH laughed in my face ever. Why should he wake up and tend to his child during the night when I am NURSING his baby? Sort of a silly thing to say right? No there isn't always a choice of taking a day. He is a cop, and he has to work. Wasting sick days, or personal days because I was too lazy to walk into the other room to get the baby that I have to get up with ANYWAY because I am nursing to just dumb. I will ask that you not insult my DH especially since it is you that has confused the facts.

*** Your DH must be thanking his lucky stars that he doesn't have breasts!!***

I don't get it?

***Well, that's nice that you have such a cushy police dept. It doesn't work that way here. No desk job here after maternity unless you are on limited duty, but giving birth and then going back to work doesn't equal desk duty when you return.***

No they just care about their female officers. They don't want them returning to line work without being ready. Hormones are still wacky at this stage after a baby. They want to make sure the female officer is ready for her job again.

***Do you doubt that NYC has bad neighborhoods, hence the snarky comment? ***

WHAT SNARKY comment? You have told me that you both work in a bad neighborhood. I believe it was YOU with the snarky comments. Something I don't really get. The cops down here never insult officers at any dept. Hence cushy dept.

***No, actually DH and I work in a small hick mountain town where the worst behavior people exhibit are stabbing in each other with toothpicks that they use to clean their missing teeth.***

You lost me again. You still didn't answer the question. Did you get your DH to wake with the baby when you were on maternity leave and your DH had to get up and go to work in a bad neighborhood?

Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:52am

"The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone.>>>"

The OP also said she's SURE there's another side to this story - you don't think the husband exaggerated at all? Right. And I'm sure K is just sitting around doing nothing at night. (sarcasm, just in case you didn't catch it)

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:52am
Sure a mother has to take a sick child to the doctor. However the person was talking about taking a walk, and going to the grocery store. All the things that I said weren't necessary when one is exhausted. I wasn't using a broad spectrum. Just what the person ws referring to.
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:54am
She has changed her story a couple of times based on what she THINKS, not what she KNOWS - other posters have pointed it out, and I guess you have missed EVERYONE pointing it out.
Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
Avatar for kerry88
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 9:56am

Just for clarification:

http://www.bls.gov/search/ooh.asp?qu=engineer&ct=OOH

Occupational Outlook Handbook entry on Engineers.

Kerry with Campbell Elizabeth 11.03.06 and Benjamin Brady 12.10.03
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:02am

The OP has no way of knowing if the babies sleep at the same time. It is foolish and unfair to the wife being discussed to simply assume that if something is written about her (the wife) in the OP, it must be accurate and should be accepted as such rather than challenged.

Alll we have to work with here, regarding the situation, is the OP and the same posters subsequent posts. However, using the information provided in the posts as grounds for debate and insisting that the information should be accepted at face value and debated as though it were accurate are two very different things. I have chosen the former. I have no idea what is actually going on and neither does anyone here. All I can do, what many posters have done, is point out implausibilities and unlikely assumptions that the OP has made about a situation she herself has not witnessed. One such unlikely asumption is that the wife can nap while the twins nap. Mothers of preemie twins (we have at least one here) provide valid insight into the care and of preemie twins. And are best able to point out unlikely assumptions on the part of the OP regarding the care of preemie twins. Remember, the OP is not writing about herself. She is writing about the wife of a coworker of her husband. That means the information she has written has already been filtered through two people before it even got to her ears. This is yet another reason to not take the info at face value. We have very scant information about this woman and a whole lot of assumptions. The OP's assumptions are no more likely to be true than the assumptions of anybody else on this board. And they are less likely to be true than the assumptions of poster(s) with preemie twins, who at least have the known commonalities of preemie twins on which to base their assumptions (such as the feeding schedule and how to do age correction to figure out where they are developmentally).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:03am
Well maybe he's out of sick leave and they can't afford to be without his pay. My previous job I had 5 days of sick leave (that I had to accrue - it wasn't handed to me as a lump sum) and I was lucky if I had 4 hours available at any one time. If I had to take a day off because I or one of the kids were sick, I either made up the difference with vacation time or took leave without pay (and even though I was a salaried employee, if I was short hours, I was paid my hourly rate for the hours I was charging).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:04am

"I never said my DH laughed in my face ever. Why should he wake up and tend to his child during the night when I am NURSING his baby? Sort of a silly thing to say right? No there isn't always a choice of taking a day. He is a cop, and he has to work. Wasting sick days, or personal days because I was too lazy to walk into the other room to get the baby that I have to get up with ANYWAY because I am nursing to just dumb. I will ask that you not insult my DH especially since it is you that has confused the facts."

You said he would laugh in your face if that was the situation. You know the man I don't. As for insulting your DH, then don't do it about mine.


As for the breast comment, your DH must be glad that he didn't have to wake up to nurse.

"WHAT SNARKY comment? You have told me that you both work in a bad neighborhood. I believe it was YOU with the snarky comments. Something I don't really get. The cops down here never insult officers at any dept. Hence cushy dept."

You did make a snarky comment about "that bad neighborhood". They never insult any officers at any dept? I find that very hard to believe.

"Did you get your DH to wake with the baby when you were on maternity leave and your DH had to get up and go to work in a bad neighborhood? "

I was never on maternity leave. I joined after I gave birth to my DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:08am
Wow, there is a broad spectrum of what is considered an engineer. I've never heard of a firefighter being called an engineer. One could work in virtually any industry and be called an engineer.

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