SAHM/WOHD Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
SAHM/WOHD Issue
1289
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm

My husband came home the other day with this story:

His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.

K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....

K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.

Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:10am

Just because the OP says something about the wife doesn't make it true. What is being challenged here is the plausibility of what the OP has said- and that is a valid debate. I refuse to simply assume that if the OP says that is how it is in that home, then that must be how it is. We DON'T know that the husband does everything when he gets home. We do know that he claims as much to his coworker who then passes that info along to his wife the OP. But that doesn't make it true. It is equally valid to assume that when the husband says "everything", that his wife continues to work either caring for one or both of the babies or doing housework. This equally valid assumption is based on the BTDT experience of those with preemie twins (or indeed of non-preemie twins, or of multiple children close in age but not twins) who know that it is implausible that the man is able to simultaneously care for both twins while also doing all the cooking and cleaning. A far more plausible scenario (based on the BTDT of other posters) is that he must work, work, work when he gets home- not because he is doing it "all" and she's doing nothing, but because there is just that much work that must be done and it takes two people to do it.

Just because it's in the OP doesn't make it true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:13am

***Ready for my apology now. Thanks.***

Why would I apologize. I never said if I asked my DH for HELP he would laugh at me. Me saying hey get up and go grab the baby and bring him to me so I can nurse isn't asking for help it is being LAZY. No apology for you. Your statement was wrong.

***Because if any person with whom I work were to assess my situation, they would probably say "she has a mother who lives within a mile and can help out" when the reality is, this person is FAR REMOVED from the situation.***

I am not going on assumptions or your situation. Just what the OP wrote.

*** All she knows is that the husband was sniping to his co-worker about his wife who calls too much and heaven forbid, asks him to help out at home. ***

So we are back to the original question. Why call so much that his job is in jeopardy? Why demand that he come home right at shift end even though occasionally he may have to work late? What does the do other than create serious tension in the marriage? What part of he is helping out and then some at home didn't you read? I doubt that he is doing every single thing at home, but it sounds like to me he is doing his fair share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:16am
Just because the OP says it, doesn't make it true. A giant black hole of implausibility in your excerpt from the OP is this claim made about the wife- "the only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she is home alone". Much of this thread (except the side debates about work benefits) has cenetered around the implausibility of that claim. The OP herself even recanted that statement in post 19 when she said "who even implied that she doesn't get up at night?" i.e. she DOES get up at night but it was originally claimed that she doesn't. When the OP herself admits to exaggerations in the original post, it is truly an invitation for other posters to do the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:16am

I think they both need their priority's examined if they both agreed to every other night. Thats insane regardless. I don't consider asking, even expecting, ones dh to help out with the children to be necessarily nagging, nor does it make one a witch. That she *had* to resort to nagging to get him to help out in the first place is telling, actually. If she is so terrible, than he is certainly better off. I still don't see how every other night is in the best intrests of the kids, though.

<> Somehow I knew that would be the case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:17am

***"I agree...maybe she should be working." - SHE IS WORKING. Have you taken care of two preemies? Nope. Didn't think so.***

Are we playing semantics games today? I know she is working. However what she is doing seems to be too much for her to handle. She might be better off getting out of the house and working part time or full time and hiring someone to care for her children until she feels more comfortable with caring for them alone. I have 3 children. I know that I work. However I can handle caring for my 3 children without calling my DH all day. Sometimes caring for twins is so overwhelming and what this woman is doing isn't productive no matter how you slice it.

***Well thank you copwife35, for letting the rest of us know what life should be like. I feel so enlightened.***

Your welcome.

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:17am
Since you're such a stickler for sticking to the OP, it's pretty obvious K isn't nursing. Otherwise, J wouldn't be able to do everything all night all by himself like the OP stated. So your whole nursing argument is moot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:18am
SO dad should waste sick days, and personal days because mom can't be bothered to get up during the night? What is going to happen when mom is sick and needs dad to stay home and care for the kids and dad has no more sick days?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:19am
That is what worked for you. However I didn't want my DH getting up during the night to care for the children and then go to work. His job is dangerous and he needs to be rested and alert.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:20am

In the original post she said that the only time K is bothered with the babies is "when she is home alone with them". When this was challenged, (especially the implausibility of her NEVER getting up at night) she said (post 19) "who even implied that she wasn't getting up as well?" (The predictable answer- "you did").

So the OP made exaggerations to make K look more lazy and when it was shown that those exaggerations were impluasible, she recanted them. (Or rather, claimed to have never made them in the first place- easy enough to check on when a post hasn't been deleted.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
In reply to: jen1098
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:21am

"And frankly, there are plenty of really nasty accidents waiting at home when one is truly sleep-deprived."

Exactly. I remember being really tired one day and walking down the stairs at home with the baby. I stepped on the edge of a stair and slipped. Luckily I just bumped down a couple of steps on my bottom and managed to hold on to the baby. Scared us both, but it could have been much worse.

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