SAHM/WOHD Issue
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| Thu, 07-13-2006 - 4:35pm |
My husband came home the other day with this story:
His coworker, J and J's wife, K just had a set of twins born via in-vitro after 17 years of marriage and infertility. Anyway, the end of the pregnancy was difficult and K was on bedrest and the babies were born (I think) 6 weeks early - one of them had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. OK - that's the background.
K got a lot of attention during pregnancy - not being able to move around on her own. Now the babies are 4 months old, but although she is a SAHM, she expects (yes, expects) J to leave work every day at 4. That's the normal time, but at times they are required to work overtime if something has broken and needs to be fixed before the next shift comes in. According to my husband, J comes home every night and fixes dinner, washes bottles, takes care of the babies, and then gets up with them in the middle of the night. The only time K is bothered with them is during the day when she's home alone. (I know, this account is how J related it to my husband, so the story is probably more one-sided than the situation really is.) And K may have post-partum depression and that can explain needing J so much....
K's mom and sister both lives within a halfmile of her and can come to help with the babies, but she expects J to leave work everyday at 4 to do it. She also calls a lot during the day. Anyway, the other day something had broken and J needed to stay past 4, but he tried to leave - my husband's and J's boss told J that he needed to decide what is more important - him taking care of those babies or him working to provide for those babies? Sounds to me like J's job is starting to be in jeopardy and he makes pretty good money for the area of the country we live in. Replacing that income would be very hard.
Just wanted to see what y'all thought about this.

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***You wrote it, I just copied it and pasted it. So I guess you (in quotations) are wrong.***
Your original statement to me was <<< How is that relevant? Except of course to show that your DH would laugh at you should you request nighttime help with his children, God forbid.>>>
I never once said that ever. So your copy and paste was wrong. Not once have I ever said what you said above.
Again I will stick to the OP. If you want to add something here and there go ahead. I am not going to assume anything than what I see written. I know that if I called my DH all day his Lt, and his Capt would take great issue with it.
It is possible, which is why I included it in the list of possibilities. But that doesn't make it true, just because the OP says it is.
Here is the way I decide whether to believe something I read on a message board:
1)is it a value-free factoid that remains consistent? Then I believe it- so I believe there are preemie twins, that both parents are tired (simply because all new parents are and the parents of preemie twins doubly so) and I believe the husband complained to his coworker about the volume of work he does at home and that he is tired. What I don't believe is that the volume of work he is doing is because his wife is "only bothered with them when she is home alone". It sounds like an exaggeration.
2)if it is about a person's own life, does it remain consistent over the course of multiple posts and threads and does it jibe with what I and others know about such situations? Thus I believe that kbamm has an engineering degree (the subject of a sub-thread) because everything she's posted is consistent with that claim and I believe that myskamouse has preemie twins for the same reason.
But guesses about other peoples' lives based on exhausted venting? I have no reason to believe that. The OP has made a number of assumptions and posted them as facts about a person's life. Simply being the OP does not mean that everything she posts is true- that must be parsed out based on plausibility. And the first rule of plausibility is- does it remain consistent? (no, it does not). The second rule of plausibility is- consider the source, in this case the tired new father of preemie twins who is venting to a coworker who doesn't help around the house and therefore doesn't see that as a requirement of marriage or parenthood.
***You have three kids who are all pretty spread out age-wise. In fact, your oldest is babysitting age, so really you have no clue about twin preemies.***
Were they always this age? Nope. I had a newborn that was born very sick, and needed several trips to the doctor for about 3 months, along with a 2 yr old, and a 15 yr old teenager. Do you have a teenager? Think it is easy raising a teenager? When you do...let me know, then tell me how easy it is. I have three children all three going in different directions. Is it as hard as caring for twin preemies? Probably not. However at one point I would say it was pretty close.
***The woman probably needs some paid help at home. The husband, instead of bitching about her to his colleagues, should be trying to come up with solutions to their troubles.***
WOuld you take issue if she was bitching about her DH to her girlfriends? Maybe they can't afford paid help.
"I know that if I called my DH all day his Lt, and his Capt would take great issue with it."
Does your DH have a cell phone? Are the Lt. and Capt. with your DH the whole tour?
***Did you ever just not want to do something??? Did you ever just want anyone but you to calm down a screaming baby....DID or has he NEVER gotten up to deal with a child in the middle of the night.***
Oh sure he did. Did he ever do it on nights before work? Nope. I did it. I wanted him to sleep and make sure he was rested. Just like in the early mornings when I was sleeping and he was getting ready for work he would go downstairs to shower and dress so that he wouldn't bother me.
Your situation was different. You went back to work. I can honestly say I don't know how we would have handled the sleep arrangements if I had to work.
*** Would it have been completely horrible for you DH to get up in the middle of the night? ***
I think it is too risky in the line of work he is in. Not to mention just pointless. I just didn't see a need to wake him. However he made sure to be as considerate of me. Many times on his days off he would stay up with the baby if the baby didn't go back to sleep in the morning. When they were older and I got up during the night he would take them downstairs so I could sleep in. It worked well for us.
*** You just seem to be posting that a working parent getting up in the middle of the night means that the other person is lazy.***
I was referring to the woman that I knew, and I think that if a woman is nursing and she doesn't work and her DH has to work the next day it is inconsiderate to wake him so that you can grab an extra minute or two of sleep.
***Wow, you consider caring for ones kids to be a waste.***
No having to get up during the night to bring a baby to mom to nurse and then put the baby back to bed and then call in sick the next day is a waste. Taking the day off or calling in sick to care for a sick mom or help care for a sick child isn't a waste. I will give you credit...you are consistant. Your personal definitions of what I say are still way off.
*** OP said, btw, that the mother also got up at night. Remember, she is outnumbered. Get your facts straight.***
I didn't say she didn't get up at night. Yet she was getting her DH to get up at night too. She is outnumbered but she isn't nursing twins. She can't feed them at the same time? I see mothers of twins do it all the time. Although I don't begrudge her needing her DH from time to time help her get them settled. Then again we weren't debating that.
Huh? That wasn't the argument I was replying to. Your argument that these posts are replying to is that just because something is in the OP, it should be debated as though it were true and there is no point trying to second-guess its truth. I don't think she should call him repeatedly nor do I think he should forego all overtime. But then, I never said he should. In fact, in an earlier post I said he should just do the overtime if he has to rather than leaving his coworkers in a lurch and if she is angry- so be it.
Why do I believe she calls frequently and that he leaves promptly w/o overtime even when he ought to stay but I DON'T believe she "is only bothered by the twins when she's alone with them?" Because the former is not something the OP's husband would be motivated to lie about (perhaps he is even a coworker left in the lurch when overtime is not done) but the latter is something a tired new father would be motivated to exaggerate for sympathy and venting. And it may also be that he believes that if he is working at home (housework, cooking, baby care), therefore she is not. This could be that he doesn't think he should have to do anything. It could be that if she is working in another part of the house it doesn't "count"/os off his radar (she does the laundry and cleans the bathroom while he changes the babies etc.) Those are guesses on my part as to motivation for exaggeration. I am thinking exaggeration because the care of preemie twins requires so much work that it is implausible that he is even physically able to do it all when at home- more plausible they are sharing (especially since the OP later said they are).
If you read through the thread, you will find that one point which is consistent amongst all the wife's defenders is that it isn't helping for her to make frequent calls at work or demand he do no overtime. Much of the thread's beginning is devoted to finding solutions to those two problems- which is where the "get checked for PPD" suggestion came from (the OP suggested PPD herself). So you are preaching to the converted on those points. Which is why those points are never ones I argued against.
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