Scenario

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Scenario
934
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 11:17am
I see a lot of stories on this board about sahms refusing to work when their family is in need of a second income.

Well picture this scenario and tell me if you think it's appropriate for this mother to stay home-

As a single and childless woman, she always lived frugally, and worked hard. He is the same way- both the husband and wife manage to get out of debt and save up a few thousand dollars by the time they meet. They date for a couple years (or whatever amount of time YOU think is reasonable for a couple to date before marrying). By the time they get married, their combined savings is at 8,000 dollars. As a childless couple, they continue to live frugally and work hard. His income goes to pay the rent, utilities and necessities while all of her income goes into her savings. They have a few setbacks here and there like car repairs or illness or emergency out of town trips. But altogether, they manage to save up say, 20 grand by the time their first child is born X amount of time later. The husband gets great insurance at his job. They are already used to living off of his income anyway since her income was mostly going into savings. There is still no credit card debt and no auto loan debt. This being said, is it TOOOOO much to ask for this woman to stay at home for at least a couple of years, maybe between 3-5 years to take care of the baby at home? What if she planned on going to work once the child or children got to elementary school, and just wanted to stay home for the baby years? Is that reasonable?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:34pm
Well, call me a scientist :-). Unfounded assertions just get under my skin, as do opinions clearly based on stereotypes. I don't like to see it on either side of this debate. Your assertion, as far as I am concerned, is about as provable as the usual assertion on the part of MSAHMs that children of WOHMs are more spoiled with material things because their parents give them more toys to compensate for lost time. Sure, competitiveness exists on this board, but I haven't exactly seen the lion's share coming from the live-and-let-live SAHMs on this board. I've mostly seen it coming from the militants on both sides.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:35pm

<.


And it is effectively accomplished in a woh environment too. ITs the PARENTING SKILLS AND STYLE of the parents that make the difference. Not the work status.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:35pm
Very, VERY well put. . .amazingly well put.
Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:45pm
>>You obviously believe that with all of the correct answers you can guarantee a pain free life with perfect kids, a faithful and successful husband (who lives until he's 90) and a Martha Stewart house. You also obviously believe that those of us with different answers risk...well, something bad. You hang onto these illusions as long as you can. It hurts like hell when you figure out how wrong you can be.<<

I'm sorry for you, it sounds as though life has dealt you a very bad hand in years past. But just as you would like me to learn from you, you could try learning from me. That life can include hopes of a faithful and successful husband, perfect kids, and a Martha Stewart house (although not for me! I'm a bad housekeeper!)It's HOPE, not reality. It's what keeps us going. I by no means claim to have perfect kids AT ALL, and while I do believe my dh will always be faithful, his success in business has not always been as forth-coming. But we hope. And you know what? We do hang onto out hopes....and plan like hell for the day that they may shatter. Everyone does. If dh lost his job, he (or I) would find a new one, in a heartbeat. The kids arent perfect, but I can keep telling them they are :) and maybe one day they'll believe it and do something great with their lives...

I think sometimes it bothers some when some seem to have it figured out, and the other person has had a hard life, so the first person's life seems to be easier or "perfect" as you put it. It may not seem fair that there are those of us who don't need to work ft, or whatever, but don't discount our experiences as "less experience" or being naive. You don't know anything about what I have learned from the world or how easy or hard my life has been. You may be older, but maybe, just maybe, I've been around the block a time or two more than you. And maybe I figured out something that you haven't yet. Don't discount that, either.

That said, you had a nice post. You are very articulate, and at least attempt to not pass too much personal attacks! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:49pm

IF the problem is quality child care. . .like quality schools or quality nursing homes. . .why shouldn't I try to FIX things rather than just avoid them?


If you're going to SAH rather than risk the effects of poor child care, why then not SAH and avoid the risk of poor schools. . .see my point?


My grandfather visits her every day at lunch and dinner- staying for 2-3 hours each visit and those who live in the area (I live in Kansas, 'home' for me is Arkansas) visit as they are able to do so.


And your suggestion is what?

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:52pm

"And maybe I figured out something that you haven't yet. "

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:01pm
>>If you're going to SAH rather than risk the effects of poor child care, why then not SAH and avoid the risk of poor schools. . .see my point?<<

Actually, we will be using our Catholic chuch's school system, so I am avoiding at least the risk of our not so great public school system around here...But even at that, dc IMO, is a much more avoidable risk than say, SCHOOL. They HAVE to go to school, they dont HAVE to go to dc. (And I hope you know me enough to know now that my issues are with CTWOHMS, not really have-to's). I don't know very many of us who feel qualified to teach our children properly up thru 12th grade, but I would hope we all feel qualified to raise our children at home ft. Do you see my point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:04pm

Goody. . .you'll be avoiding the horrible public school system. . .now you just have to worry about that pesky pedophile priest that may be lurking in your Catholic school.


No offense to Catholics, just trying to make a point about the prevalence of risk.

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:07pm

Okay, then answer me this. If the child of a HAVE TO WOHM can be okay. Can be a happy, healthy productive adult citizen, then why can't the child of a CHOOSE TO WOHM?


I used to be a CHOOSE TO WOHM. I am now a HAVE TO WOHM. Do my kids realize any difference? Nope. Will my CT vs. HT status have an effect on their upbringing? I dont' think so.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:19pm
<< You don't know anything about what I have learned from the world or how easy or hard my life has been. >>

and yet, even though you know NOTHING about me or other wohms, you feel free to make such incredible judgements and nasty condemnations.

Has it ever occurred to YOU that you know NOTHING about what i have learned from the world OR how easy or hard my life has been?

In fact, interesting, but true -- my mom has always applauded me and told me that she KNOWS that my job of parenting is SO much harder than she ever had it -- as i have 2 special needs children AND work full time.

<>

and you know what -- why not give others the SAME courtesy that you seem to expect. As for dc, i've been around the block MORE than a time or two and maybe, just maybe you could learn something from me. However, if you just keep spouting "sah is the only way" while claiming to "learn something" here, no one will believe you on either count.

<>

Back at ya, babe.

<>

what is that supposed to mean? i don't care whether you need to work or not, it makes no never mind to me.

<< But just as you would like me to learn from you, you could try learning from me>>

but what's to learn when all that you have preached is as ANTI-WOHM as it comes, as ANTI-DC as it comes....you know what? i learned more from my best friend who was a sahm for 7 years -- and she learned just as much from me as a wohm during that time.

i'm sorry, but there's not much to learn from someone who can't seem to understand that there are DIFFERENT structural lifestyles to raising kids -- NONE of which has anything to do with how they are raised.

eileen

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