Scenario

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Scenario
934
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 11:17am
I see a lot of stories on this board about sahms refusing to work when their family is in need of a second income.

Well picture this scenario and tell me if you think it's appropriate for this mother to stay home-

As a single and childless woman, she always lived frugally, and worked hard. He is the same way- both the husband and wife manage to get out of debt and save up a few thousand dollars by the time they meet. They date for a couple years (or whatever amount of time YOU think is reasonable for a couple to date before marrying). By the time they get married, their combined savings is at 8,000 dollars. As a childless couple, they continue to live frugally and work hard. His income goes to pay the rent, utilities and necessities while all of her income goes into her savings. They have a few setbacks here and there like car repairs or illness or emergency out of town trips. But altogether, they manage to save up say, 20 grand by the time their first child is born X amount of time later. The husband gets great insurance at his job. They are already used to living off of his income anyway since her income was mostly going into savings. There is still no credit card debt and no auto loan debt. This being said, is it TOOOOO much to ask for this woman to stay at home for at least a couple of years, maybe between 3-5 years to take care of the baby at home? What if she planned on going to work once the child or children got to elementary school, and just wanted to stay home for the baby years? Is that reasonable?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 9:21am

What?


<<Personality type of mom has squat to do with personality type of child, >>


What? Parents' personalities don't influence the personalities of the child? I don't think for a minute that evey Type A mom raises Type A children. But personalities most definitely influece parenting skills, beliefs and techniques. And parenting skills, beliefs and techniques definitely influence a child's personality. It is by no means the only factor, but to say that mom's personality has *nothing* to do with the child's personality is just absurd.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 9:36am
I understand the idea, I just disagree with it and in *some* cases I do believe that there is a value judgement that propels that idea. But I digress.

I think that a Type A personality would adjust their life to fit their personality, but that it has little to do with work status. I don't think that the only, primary or even best way to fufill those personality traits is by having a job. I think that is one venue. I don't think that SAHPs are less inclined to be driven or goal oriented, I think that the drive and goals are directed in other areas.

I think that the assertation is unflattering all the way around, lending itself to the old fall back stereotypes of WOH=Angelica's mom and SAH=bon bon eating moron that couldn't find some direction in her life. I know that you didn't say that at all, but I believe that these kind of blanket statements about personality theories lead us down that path.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 10:27am

I agree, to an extent, especially with this statement: "I don't think that the only, primary or even best way to fufill those personality traits is by having a job. I think that is one venue."


I do, however, think that having a job is probably the *most common* venue. Not the only by any means. But the most common, partially because its a venue that also supports the family financially and would be a goal for other reasons as well.


" I don't think that SAHPs are less inclined to be driven or goal oriented, I think that the drive and goals are directed in other areas. "


I agree here as well, but go back to the *extrinsic* motivation factor. *Extrinisic* motivation is a core component of Type A personalities. There are probably very driven, goal oriented, hard working, stressed out people that mimic some Type A factors, but without those *extrinsic* motivators, its not Type A behavior.


"I know that you didn't say that at all, but I believe that these kind of blanket statements about personality theories lead us down that path. "


Thank you for not putting words in my mouth! :) But, I didn't make blanket statements, I made some fairly general statements with some big qualifications that kept

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:40am
With two dd's the idea of unquestioning compliance to adults is REALLY scary. I want my kids to question and I want them to stand up for themselves even if it means the occaisional trip to the principals office! While I'd hope my kids don't take it too far, non compliance is far better than compliance in my book. I'm not looking to raise mindless robots who do what they're told. I'm aiming to raise kids who can think for themselves. Sure that's a tougher row to hoe as a parent but I'm not in this because it's easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:47am
I have no idea what drives parents to live vicariously through their kids. Many SAHM's both here and IRL seem to have something to prove when it comes to their kids performance. You don't have to be a type A to be out to prove something. I get the impression both here and IRL that many SAHM's are looking for justification for their decision to SAH in their kids. Some kind of recognition for a job well done. Something to say their sacrifices (we often hear that word in conjunction with SAH) were worth it. Do I think this is the hallmark of a type A? No. IMO, type A's would be likely to find their own accomlishments, which is why I think they'd be more likely to work. It would be type B's who looked to others to fullfill their sense of accomplishment. People seek recognition regardless of their personality type. Some through their own accomplishments and some through the accomplishments of others.




Edited 12/14/2003 12:51:55 PM ET by cyndluagain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:48am
LOL, where did I say any of that???? No I don't think SAH is changing diapers and playing peek a boo but I see moms all the time who look for their sense of accomplishment in their kids and that is just plain wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:49am
Then how about you enlighten me as to all those challenges to keep a type A challenged while she SAH, lol. Just name the ones that WM's don't get please.


Edited 12/14/2003 12:31:41 PM ET by cyndluagain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:53am
LOL, NOOO. Equally involved means equally involved. Either you're equally invovled in an aspect of your child's life or you're not. There's no making up the definition here. There's only one definition of equal. To have one parent play the part of the paycheck while the other is the primary caregiver is not equal. It's lopsided. You may see yourselves as making the same amount of contribution by contributing all on one front but you can't change the fact that one parent is primary and the other secondary in particular areas. No, the ideal would be two equally involved parents as that is better than one primary caregiver and a paycheck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 12:09pm
No, I don't think so. Otherwise you'd get why type A's are more likely to be WOHM's.

But you haven't proven or shown me that at all. You think that type A's may be more likely to WOH, but no one says it is more likely based on a personality type theory.

Although type A SAHM's would explain those moms who claim things like their children walking early was a result of their work, lol.

Would it also explain the type A WOHM who assert the same thing?

Given a choice, I think a type A would choose to work.

That is just it, you would THINK.

We tend to have a hard time with things like dependency

Then why are you married? Why do you have children? Why do you work for someone else?

miss the challenges and accomplishments of work when we don't work.

Again, this makes the big huge assumption that there are no internal challenges and accomplishments of those who don't earn a paycheck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
In reply to: the_boss_plus
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 12:10pm
Need I say ITA? In this day and age, compliance in my kids would be a scary thing.

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