Seven Myths of Working Mothers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Seven Myths of Working Mothers
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Tue, 04-07-2009 - 11:55am

Seven Myths of Working Mothers


Why Children and (Most) Careers Just Don't Mix


By Suzanne Venker - Review by Jerica Griff


If separating is hard for you - set up opportunities to practice separating. For example, arrange to drop your child off at someone's house additional times each week until it becomes easier for youŠ When you pick your child up, don't be overly emotional. It's OK to act glad to see her, but don't start crying and hugging her excessively - to do so only shows your child how hard separation was for you.
- E. Christophersen, Ph.D. in "Preventing Separation Anxiety"


No wonder children are growing to adulthood with serious misconceptions about commitment and attachment! The most important people in their lives, parents - and particularly mothers - are being taught that leaving their children should become easy and natural. In 7 Myths of Working Mothers, Suzanne Venker examines why increasing numbers of mothers are entering the workforce, and how this decision resonates in their children's lives.


If motherhood was understood by society to be a full-time job, Venker believes it would not be regarded as something to be done "on the side" of a career. She is quick to acknowledge, however, that accepting motherhood as a full-time position does not translate into 18 years out of the workforce; it only means creatively seeking ways to work around your children's schedule.


Many working mothers fail to realize that day care centers and nannies are raising their children, relegating the mothers themselves to the role of a babysitter. Feeding the children and putting them to sleep is a far cry from true motherhood. As Venker writes, "The real work of mothers is done when no one is around." She goes on to debunk seven fallacies that keep women away from their children.


The first deception Venker tackles is the idea that "Men have it all - why can't we?" Men don't have it all. Many dads miss out on a large portion of parenting - first steps, first words, soccer games, piano recitals, etc. - because their commitment to providing financially for the family means traveling, late nights at the office, and weekend functions.


Second, many women believe that staying at home full-time means throwing their education and work experience out the window. Before they ever have children, before they look into the eyes of their own flesh, before they have spent even one hour watching this new life sleep, they completely dismiss the idea of staying at home full-time. After all, they have spent the majority of their developmental years preparing for careers. Venker acknowledges that a mother's education is of great benefit to her children, but only if the mother is present to impart that knowledge to them. Statistics show that children of mothers with advanced degrees or work experience have a great advantage over their peers. Instead of "wasting" their education, many moms have found resourceful ways of pursuing other
interests without compromising the health and well-being of their little ones.


Third, many believe that women who choose to stay home with their children must be wealthy. Venker contends, however, that except in single-mother households and other specific exceptions, the choice to put children first has nothing at all to do with economic status and everything to do with budgeting and self-discipline. In fact, most women's second income is almost entirely eaten up by commuting, childcare, eating out, work attire, dry cleaning and taxes.


Fourth, some women believe that their stress level in balancing work and family could be lowered if only they had more support. The feminist movement completely negates this excuse. There has never been an easier time to be a working mom. Working mothers are often puzzled and surprised by how well-behaved the children of full-time moms are, and they wonder why their kids are having trouble in school. But, Venker argues, as with anything else in life, one cannot expect the same outcome with an eighth of the time investment. No company would allow an employee to hire someone else to do
her own job, so how can a mother expect to hire someone else to raise her own offspring?


Fifth, many women claim that they are better moms because they work. Venker counters with the argument that consistency is the most controlling factor in the health and well-being of children. By being removed from the home, working mothers often neglect kids' basic needs (proper amounts of sleep, healthy diets, regular exercise, consistent discipline, help with schoolwork, etc.) because they are unable to see to those needs themselves. How is this being a better mom? Still, we wonder why kids are falling asleep in school, overweight, or coming home with less than flying colors on their
report card.


The sixth myth of working mothers is the claim, "My children just love day care." Psychiatrist John Bowlby disagrees: "A home must be very bad before it can be bettered by a good institution." Because children have a basic desire for the familiar, red flags should appear when children do not want to go home with their parents. As anyone who has worked with children can attest, the things children claim they want are not usually the best things for them, whether it be candy, staying up after bedtime, or playing video games all day.


The final deception of working mothers, according to Venker, is the idea that women can "have it all planned out." Thus many women plan their lives around their careers while postponing beginning a family. They wrongly assume that fertility and children will fit as easily into their planners and lifestyle as any other appointment. Venker encourages young women instead to choose careers that are conducive to motherhood, to live near parents or siblings who could help out with creative work schedules, and to be financially responsible. Taking these steps will make the transition to
motherhood smoother when the time arrives.


It is distressing that the incredibly fulfilling, joyful responsibility of
motherhood is often looked upon as a dull waste of an intelligent woman's time. Venker does an excellent job fighting back against society's prejudices. Her hope is that anyone reading 7 Myths of Working Mothers will encouraged by the mounting evidence that the best place for the next generation is right at home. Mothers who are the primary cultivators of knowledge for their children will no doubt reap extraordinary rewards.


Jerica Griff, a Spring 2004 Witherspoon Fellow with the Family Research Council is currently interning with the Georgia Family Council. She is a recent graduate of Colorado State University with degrees in Business Administration/Marketing and Music.


http://www.fulltimemothers.org/books/7_myths.htm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 2:52pm
**Appluse**

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 2:54pm

>> Venker acknowledges that a mother's education is of great benefit to her children, but only if the mother is present to impart that knowledge to them. <<

Wow. I can't even CONCEIVE of all the great benefits my infant child could reap if I quit my job and stayed home to teach her about French literature.

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 2:57pm

I know, this is stupid.

Commuting? Less than 5 miles each way.
Child care? My kids are old enough to not need any.
Eating out? I bring my lunch to work most of the time.
Work attire? I can go to work in jeans unless I have meetings with people outside the office. My "nice" work attire lasts a LONG time b/c I just don't wear it that often.
Dry cleaning? See above.
Taxes? Well, yes, but it doesn't nearly add up to "most" of my salary.

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 3:01pm
Actually, I think I saw her say here that giving children up for adoption was the better solution.

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?

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Why hide your light under a bushel of bears, I ask you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 3:42pm
She said on another board that the children "should be taken away" from the mothers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 4:47pm

"No I am not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 5:06pm

<>

Yeah, like growing up in foster care is SO much better than having a mom that earns money. And having your child living with another family 24/7/365 is a solution to "not raising" them 40 hours a week? Sheesh, where do you come up with these so-called solutions?




Edited 4/7/2009 5:08 pm ET by finally.me




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 5:09pm

"You were mistaken there as well. I told a woman complaining about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 5:28pm

"In fact, most women's second income is almost entirely eaten up by commuting, childcare, eating out, work attire, dry cleaning and taxes."

I have always found statements like this to be funny. The real myth is that WOH automatically means having all of those expenses.

The other part that is always left out is that even if there are expenses to working the remainder between the gross pay and the pay after all expenses is money the famly would not have if they were not working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 5:36pm

The myth also assumes (incorrectly in many cases) that the mother has a long commute, that her children aren't school age, that she doesn't make her own lunch, that she is constantly buying clothing for work, and that her clothes require dry cleaning.

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