Should dad work overtime so mom can SAH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Should dad work overtime so mom can SAH?
31
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:23am
I have always wanted to stay at home with my kids, but until now, it has not really been possible. I work full time, and earn good $$. The kids are in middle school. I would still give anything to be home with them, even just for a summer.

My dh started a new job a few months ago. The company is doing well, and if he wanted to, he could work plenty of OT to increase his pay even more. Right now, with me working, he can only work an 8 hour shift, cuz he has to be home for the kids after school. And working Saturdays is out of the question - with me working full time, Sat. is a day to devote to housework, laundrey and errands, and he must help with some of this. If I didn't work, he'd be free to put in the extra hours, and make up for a portion of the salary I gave up (not all of it, but enough to get us by for sure).

He doesn't want to work more than 40 hours/week. I'm absolutely sick of working full time, and having little time to spend with my kids. My kids still beg me to spend time with them, and would be thrilled if I could be one of those moms who's available to help at school, etc.

A part time job in my field is not possible, so part time work for me would be a minimum wage mall job at best. What would you do? I know the only reason many women get to stay at home is because dad is working 50-60 hrs/week. My husband refuses to do this. I know it sounds selfish on my part, but I've really missed the opportunity to be home with my kids.

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Avatar for cyndiluwho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:35am
Let me see if I've got this straight. You think your dh should work more than full time because you're sick of working full time???? Why are you asking him to do what you are not willing to do?? You don't even want to work full time but you expect him to work more than that?? Why?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2002
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:42am
I think it depends on the family and the situation. My husband and I would do it, if necessary and/or possible. Before we ever married, we decided we wanted our children to have a SAHP. Now, it hasn't always been possible, but generally we have stuck with it and done fine.

When DD was born, and for the first few months (6-8?) DH worked a position where he traveled through 3 different states. It was very usual for him to be gone 20 days out of the month. And yes, I was SAH. Personally (and my DH agrees with this, I would rather work tons of over-time or have him work tons of overtime rather than having that schedule.

After that position, DH went back to his regular job, where he worked 10-16 hours a day 5-7 days a week. Again, it wasn't the easiest thing in the world, but we dealt with it.

So, yes, I would go back to that kind of schedule if it meant my young children would have a parent at home with them. However, there are other ways of making sure a parent is at home with a child. The parent can work from home, or the parents can work split shifts. Some can drop expenses or downsize their lives. I don't think any one cookie cutter works for all of us.

Okmrsmommy-36, CPmom to DD-16 and DS-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:43am
Would you really want to stay home at the expense of your husband's feelings? You would get more time with your children but he would get less. Plus, what would your family do if the company starts limiting overtime? My DH used to get unlimited overtime but now he is not allowed any.

Just from your post, it sounds like you would creat more problems staying home than working. Is it worth your DH's resentment and tension in your marriage to spend more time with your children? I know you are frustrated but I would wait and not push the issue. The perfect situation will come up eventually. Almost every mistake in my life has been from pushing the issue at expense of others feelings. Sometimes, patience is better.

Just my 2 cents.

Kristi

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:06am
That depends, do you plan on doing ALL the housework?



That was a joke people.

Avatar for tickmich
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:12am
I have a friend who is a SAHM and her DH works tons of OT to support the family. However, he has voluntarily agreed to this . At one point my friend offered to get a pt job at nite but he nixed the idea. However, if your DH is against working OT, then I wouldnt pursue this idea.
Avatar for natsmom98
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:16am
I always think it's better for both parents to work so there is family time rather than kids never seeing dad. But, it sounds like you guys are on opposite schedules maybe? Does he go in early to get home early? Anyway, if he says no, then no, I don't think he should. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to work either (I work 30 hours or so) but it works well in our marriage and we need my income.

Just MHO.

Jen

Avatar for natsmom98
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:17am
I think she said they were all in school so it's a little different than having young kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:29am
I've seen your screen name before, otherwise I'd think you were a troll. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to work 50-60 hours/wk. My dh has had to do so on occasion and it is extremely draining. I can't imagine asking someone to do that on a regular basis. When would he get to see his kids? A dad is not an accessory, he is a vital part of their lives.
Avatar for karenester
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 10:54am
I think it would be the height of selfishness to insist your dh work overtime every single week for the rest of his entire life just because you don't want to work at all anymore.

I do work 50-60 hour weeks, every single week. If you are too lazy to work 40, why would you insist your dh worked 50% more than that? 60 hour weeks are long and tiring. I'd never dream of demanding my spouse work these hours.

What you propose is extremely selfish beyond words, given that you know 40 hour weeks are tiring and you know that your dh has no desire to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 11:16am
Look out, I think hell is about to freeze over.....I agree with Cyndi!!!

My dh works an average of 45 hrs a week (read AVERAGE, meaning sometimes 50 or more hours, rarely 40 or less). BUt, he would do this regardless of my work status. *Part* of the reason I sah is to allow him to freely work what ever hours he *needs* to for his job/career.

If dh wanted to work a standard work week, but he couldn't unless I also worked, then you bet, I would do what ever needed to be done in order to allow him to spend more time with OUR family (kids).

I think that it's selfish to be upset that he won't work MORE so that you don't have to work at all. I just don't get this type of thinking. Why are you *entitled* to more family time, but your dh isn't?

Me thinks that there are deeper issues in this marriage than working status.

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