Smothering friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Smothering friend
3
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:21pm
I am a SAH and I have found a lot of other SAH to be sort of on the smothering side as friends. I have a couple of friends who work p/t and they are easier to get along with. I have a particular friend that phones me at least 3 times a day and will talk for hours if you let her. She also will pop over a lot unexpectedly, especially if I don't answer my phone. She stays for at least 3 hours until I give her the big hint to leave. Sometimes I don't answer my door. A lot of the time I am in the back yard with my children and she walks in our gate with her kids and stays and stays.

Her DH works longer hours and when he is home she is home and never tries to call or come by and doesn't even accept calls when he is home. On the other hand, she has no problem tying me up when my DH is home whether it be on the phone or coming over and staying for long visits. I feel bad her DH works but I feel that she takes time away from me and my kids. Her son needs lots of attention because I suspect she ignores him a lot of the time.

I am going to go back to work p/t pretty soon and feel that especially then I will have less time to devote to her. She doesn't get it though. She accuses me of being mad at her if we go 2 days without talking. What I really can't stand is when she comes over uninvited and walks into my back yard. How do I make her leave in that situation? Does anyone else have problems with these types of friends? I would imagine WOH moms especially have to budget their free time to make sure they have enough family time. I don't want to completely lose her as a friend but she really needs to give me space. WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 4:33pm
I have a friend (SAH) who likes to 'take my kid.' She has a little boy the same age and she always wants my little boy to come over so hers is occupied and she can do whatever. At first it was like 1 time a week, but it is growing into every other day. I have had to lie to get out of sending him. Today, I let him go for 1 hour but lied and said I had to get him by 1:30 because he had swimming lessons. Sometimes I dont answer the phone..... then she sends emails. She wants to pick him up from school and take him to play (summer camp) but I dont want someone else picking up or driving my kid around so I say no, etc. I like letting him play, but I also like having him home, where I can enjoy him, and plus, my little one gets antsy when brother leaves. She is very into church activities, crafts, etc, so I know she 'uses' my kid as a way to 'det rid of hers' for awhile so she can do those things...... I know because she's told me that's why she wants Gavin to come over so much. I guess that is better than her coming here 5 times/week like your friend, but still it's obnoxious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 5:02pm
Yikes! That would be scary. I would be afraid she would get so involved in an activity that she would fail to keep a good eye on them. Maybe we could hook up our two friends, they sound like they would be great together. Except my friend would need to go along with your friend to her activities as well. lol I suppose yours is the flip side of mine. Just pray she doesn't start popping over unexpectedly to let the boys play together while she drinks tea with you tying you up for hours.

I have thought about getting in the car and driving around the block until she leaves but that is just getting absurb now isn't it? I am not a mean person, but I like family time with DH and kids and I know it won't last forever so I am making the most of it. I just need to find a way to let her know just because we are home we aren't always open to having visitors. I really don't know how to tactfully say that without hurting her feelings, I think it is all or nothing with her. It's even stranger she is so protective of her time with her DH, that tells me she knows whats up, she just doesn't care about MY time with MY DH and family.

I was hoping she would just pick up on the hints, the other friends who have started to get to possessive of my time usually do. They will either drop me completely as a friend or they will just pop over every once in a while which is great. I guess there are two types of SAH, one that does it to spend more time with family, and one that does it to spend more time on themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 8:11pm
i cannot believe your timing. i too have a neighbor who is as sweet as she can be, but she sees me pull in from work, and is either at my door or on the phone before i can even use the bathroom. she is pregnant and home with two kids all day, with money being tight as well. i know she craves adult conversation, as i was in the same position when my children were small. this summer, my youngest is spending up north with my family, and when i come home, i want "me time". i loooove my house, and want to just enjoy it quietly, and have my own thoughts as well as take care of a few chores to stay on top of things. she comes over for any little thing, and brings her little girl, who is cute as a button, but wants to coach the adult conversation, and i would rather skip it all.

sometimes, i simply dont answer the door or the phone, also, and just leave it at that.

if she accuses you of being mad, just tell her, no just busy.