Sneaking purchases...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sneaking purchases...
1291
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am

I was reading another board about sneaking purchases past their husband's. I know I use to sneak before we started doing our finances together. I would actually come home during lunch to get the mail or unload packages. I was pitiful. Even now, I will bring things in the house and wince thinking how upset Devin would be with me.


So, have you ever hid purchases or not told your DH the whole picture of your finances? We use to horrible fights about finances. I would do the weekly budget and e-mail him it. We would discuss it and everything was fine. Then, he would tell me two days later that he was doing a marathon that cost $75.00. I had to actually ask him before we did the budget-Do you have any marathons? Do you need shoes? Do you have any equipment you need? Can you tell I

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:03am
I think it was sufficient for one WOHM to step up and get Funsahm to admit she's a pt SAHM. Instead, several WOHMs joined in to force her to admit it! It's really unnecessary. What point is there in forcing her to admit it! I can understand why she felt outnumbered and attacked.

I don't think she did the same to the WOHMs here. We've all seen the militant SAHMs here, and she has not been posting in that way at all. I don't see her blatantly criticizing all WOHMs, just pointing out that you cannot claim 40 hrs a wk with another caregiver is the same as with a SAHP. But, I agree that once you start talking about what you think is best for your own family, it follows in a tacit way that other families are not doing what is best.

You: "And because, like you, they could be great people that know how to work through the stress." Me: Definitely. I've been going back and forth over this in my head for the past 5 yrs of raising my 3. Would they be better off in some ways with another adult, even just pt, who doesn't get so upset over their misbehavior. I agree.

You: "You've missed the point. We don't believe that. What we do belive is that if a WOHD, who is the sole-incom provider, can be a GREAT, LOVING, INVOLVED dad then a WOHM (secondary income) can be a GREAT, LOVING, INVOLVED dad. Funsahm has said some terrible things about WOHMs and how they love and value their children. Would she say the same thing about her husband? Nope. Why? He isn't any with her children any more than we are with ours. If HE can be a great father, we can be great mothers. Why is that concept so hard for militant SAHMs to grasp?"

Me: OK, I didn't read it that way. But, in that light, it's a good comparison - an involved DH who's the sole breadwinner and the WOHP who brings in one of 2 incomes. Got it.


Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:05am
How can you say it doesn't? Without using your definition, because your definition is completely subjective and biased based on your own prejudices, statistics show that more abuse happens in the home than in DCs. I don't need a "ruling." If you do, then knock yourself out looking for information. I don't have a link. I'm sure I can find something though.

And you didn't answer my original question. Why was my post harsh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:29am
"Having my definition in mind (which is probably how many SAHPs also define it), how can you possibly say (without aid of video cameras in dc home/centers and homes) that more abuse occurs in home?"

I don't know about the SAHPs you know but many of the ones I have known have most definitely gone in for ", spanking, timeouts, yanking a child by his arm, CIO before naps". I have pointed this out before so people are probably getting very tired of hearing it, but I'll mention it once again as it is relevant here. I've lived in two countries while raising children: Switzerland, where the vast majority of mothers are SAH and Sweden where the vast majority of mothers are WOH, Swiss mothers tended to go in for spanking, yanking, pulling and other forms of physical hurt as well as very strongly believing in CIO from the beginning so that children would learn "who was boss". This wasn't just individuals, this was a entire cultural approach to raising children. Bullying was endemic and widely tolerated in schools, even toddlers on the playground learned that the rule was "might makes right" (I was horrified, for example, to observe that if a child took a toy from another child, the child who lost the toy was reprimanded for being upset and told to take it back while the child who took the toy was smiled on and otherwise ignored). In Sweden, otoh, all forms of physical hurt (including spanking and arm pulling) are actually illegal. Bullying is absolutely not tolerated in the schools and children are handled very gently and are taught from a very early age to respect others. CIO, is culturally speaking, simply not accepted at all. Most Swedes can't stand to hear a child cry. One thing that absolutely amazed me at playgroups in Sweden is that if a baby was crying and the parent couldn't or wouldn't pick him/her up, someone else would because the attitude was that babies shouldn't cry ever (kind of upset a few American friends of mine I have to say).

WOH or SAH had nothing to do with the kinds of "abuse" you are talking about, culture and background dictated a lot of what parents did ime...and I have a feeling that that is true in the US as well. I would bet that if a parent came from a family where spanking was acceptable they would be far more likely to spank their own children whether WOH or SAH than a parent who came from a family where spanking was not acceptable.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:39am

More parents SPANK, use TIME OUTS, YANK children, and allow them to CIO than DC providers. Not only that, a child is in

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:41am
You don't trust the teenager, but you're willing to trust that your kids don't need the more expensive shoes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:43am

You got it soooo backwards.


Funsahm is the one that insisted that WOHMs are not FT moms. We are. WOHM/WAHM/SAHM are all FT moms.


The issue we keep trying to get her to face, is that she IS a pt WOHM. She DOES WOH on a part-time basis. That is fact. She can't deny that, yet she does so continually. We have all said that her pt WOHM status does not make her less of a mom. It doesn't make her a pt mom. She is still a ft mom. But she is also a pt WOHM. Why can't she just admit that? What is wrong, in her eyes, in being a pt WOHM?


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Bwahahah ... got blinders on do ya?


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And none of use have claimed it is. Why does she keep pointing out an issue none of us have disagreed with? We all know its not the *same* as being with a SAHP. It IS different; but different is not worse. Its just different.


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:43am
Well, both of my kids had triple E width.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:48am

"We who SAH DO believe that spending 40 hours a week away from especially young children DOES affect the parent-child relationship. It is okay that we feel differently about this."


How does it affect the relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:49am
Huh?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:50am
She was already retired from her first career, and has other financial ventures.

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