Sneaking purchases...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sneaking purchases...
1291
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am

I was reading another board about sneaking purchases past their husband's. I know I use to sneak before we started doing our finances together. I would actually come home during lunch to get the mail or unload packages. I was pitiful. Even now, I will bring things in the house and wince thinking how upset Devin would be with me.


So, have you ever hid purchases or not told your DH the whole picture of your finances? We use to horrible fights about finances. I would do the weekly budget and e-mail him it. We would discuss it and everything was fine. Then, he would tell me two days later that he was doing a marathon that cost $75.00. I had to actually ask him before we did the budget-Do you have any marathons? Do you need shoes? Do you have any equipment you need? Can you tell I

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:59pm
I think I understand what you are *trying* to say, but you are wrong. Being paid to do something you love you to do does not make you love it any less. I got into the social work field because I love children. I truly do. I also ran a private day home because I love children. In addition to my love for children, I need and want to make a living. I think it is foolish to assume that each and every dcp loves each and every one of the children in his/her charge, but I think it is fair to assume that the majority of dcps are in the field b/c of their love for children. Personality will always come into play. A dcp may develop that unconditional love for a few of the children in her charge. The ones that she does not develop that relationship with will not suffer for the lack of that type of relationship - not if they have that relationship with other significant adults.

Far more crucial, IMO, is the skill level of the dcp than her unconditional love for each and every child. I am certain it matters not to Sweetswah how much her dcp loved her daughter. She could have loved her completely and as if she were her own baby, but that didn't protect the poor thing from being attacked. The provider's skill level and ability caused her daughter to be injured. Parents who love their children unconditionally can harm them - and do. Love matters not. WOHPs or SAHPs whose children are left in the care of others need not worry about whether or not their child is *loved* since that is irrelevent to their development. Having said that, if your dcp and your child do not hit it off, or if there is a personality conflict, that can be detrimental. When I was a dcp, I had one child that I didn't particulary like. If I didn't care about children, I could have continued to take the cheque and continue to house the child, but I knew that it wasn't healthy to keep him in my program. I think that is a very rare occurance. It only happened to me once.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:28am
With regard to the WOH/SAH debate, I always tend to lean to SAH for my family based on my experience with othercare. I particularly felt SAH was important for my family when my children were babies and toddlers. Now that ds is in Kindergarten and dd is 4.5, I have no problem sending them off to a dc that is less than high quality (IMO). I have no illusions that they are loved as they are by me. I have no concerns that the dcps at the center are less able than I to manage their misbehaviour. The thing with misbehaving children is this... you are far less tolerant of your own children's misbehaviour than strangers are. As you have pointed out, caring for children is the job of the dcp. It is not a 24/7 shift. They get to home at the end of their shift - the SAHM doesn't. The dcp expects to be dealing with misbehaviour for her 8 hours. She has less of an emotional investment so that misbehaviour is less annoying. Familiarity breeds contempt - it is true!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:05am
Lets just address the ...er... points, one at a time.

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Well NOW we're friends for over 20 years. We certainly weren't when John started there. At least for Miss Sue. Miss Jackie we'd known about a year or so before I became pregnant because she was married to a coworker of ours. In fact, I asked her to care for my son as soon as I learned I was pregnant; Miss Jackie is John's godmother, and although she only cared for him for pay for 9 months, she's been a part of his life for years. She was licensed as a provider through the military, btw.

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No you don't. You don't see anything--you're just making stuff up again, trying to pretend it's something it's not. We are 20 year friends NOW, 20 years later. We were not prior to John going to her daycare home.

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Yet again, trying to make the situation other than it was.

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2 decades is an awfully long time to put into one or two (or 11) posts, don't you think? What were you expecting? "On the first day of my friendship with Miss Sue, I woke up. I got a shower and got dressed. I woke John up and changed his diaper...."

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Who are you to say it isn't? Have you ever used a provider? Do you know what kinds of relationships develop between people who take care to choose providers who care for children in a similar way to the parent? Or are you talking out of your anus again?

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So what? Who cares what they think? How does their one bad experience, coloring their entire view of tens of thousands of people, invalidate my good experiencES with more than one provider? At least, however, *they* can claim *some* experience. You, with all of your NO experience, can't even manage that. I'm supposed to believe you have ANY valid, credible insight into the relationships that develop between child and provider and parent and provider? I don't think so.

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Why would I? I'm a long term member of this board and this information has been hashed out numerous time before. It's common knowledge to anyone with enough internet courtesy to lurk for a while and read the archives before joining the debate.

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Not at all. The information is here in the archives...and even at the PP SAH/WOH archives....for you to read at your leisure. It's hardly MY fault you want to post as if you have insight about me, when you know nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:06am
Seems to me it's very CLEAR why LTB would only be willing to give credibility to the experiences that SUPPORT her close-minded position.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 6:35am
I am willing to concede (and not because of anything you said, lol) after thinking about this issue, that it is possible for a dcp to love a child in her care. But it's definitely not the norm. It was so funny when I first inquired about this, that about the 7 or 8 WOHMs who post here most frequently all wrote in UNANIMOUSly saying their dcps loved their children. As usual, they all made it sound like I, a SAHM, was crazy for thinking that this love wasn't the norm at dc. No WOHM wrote in to say their dcp simply tolerates their children - which is true in some cases, right? And I've only alluded to Kerry88's and Sweetsah's posts to totally counter the ridiculous notion that it's the norm.

IMO, is it a deep, strong love that lasts after the exchange of money is over and dc ends for that child? No. Will a dcp maybe take an extra step and telephone mom to see if Johnny is feeling better, send a birthday present, attend a baseball game? Possibly because, as I said early on, unlike any other field of employment, that's the nature of the field of childcare and teaching - you get to do creative, kind things like that moreso than in the cold, cruel biz world. Plus, there are some you're just going to admire more than others because there are quite a few children you're just going to hope you get thru the day without striking! That's a bit of hyperbole, but it's partly the truth. How can I, a mom of 3, not be aware of this?

I'm sure like every other job, there are many dcps who look at the clocks waiting for the day to end. I mean they're human, aren't they? They may go into the field because they love children, but that has got to wear thin over the years in the day-to-dayness of constantly changing OTHER children's diapers/soiled pants, potty training, sleep fighting, vomitting, breaking up fights, cleaning up playdoh stuck in the carpet, the spirited child, etc.

I think it's more admiration than love that blossoms. But I'll adopt the terminology of the WOHMs here who so fervently believe it is love (just a different kind apparently) just out of deference to the fact that WOHPs have experience with dc, while I do not. And, yes, dc providers, as unfortunately do all adults, get good at deception, so even the WOHMs here writing in to say their dcp absolutely loves little Johnny may be wrong. Another reason I alluded to Kerry88 and Sweetshas' posts. So while I agree it is possible, I still think it's extremely, extremely rare and it's completely conditional and temporary.

See, I'm making a small concession. It's a baby step, but maybe someday hopefully there will be a WOHM on this board who will not lump me together with the stereotype of the unkind, have-something-to-prove militant SAHM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 6:41am
I think you wrote a beautiful post and I'm beginning to see it's possible for a dcp to love a child in her care. Certainly, my 3 babes would all fall into that category! But I'm glad that you acknowledge that, like every other employee out there, dcps are human and don't love every minute of their jobs and don't love every child. The overall impression I got from the WOHMs here was that the dc experience is 99.9% heaven. I mean, why did I even quit my job if my 3 would be better off in dc than with me? Forgive my rant, it's lonely sometimes being the only SAHM in a thread.lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:40am
bwah!!!! I'm only going to address your first paragraph, because the others simply rehash the same ol' rhetoric you've been spouting all along, and we all know that tune already.


<<...But it's definitely not the norm....>>>

And in your ignorance you know this how? And you have WHAT to support it? Kerry and Sweetswah? That's TWO people. And the only reason you hold them up is because they agreed with what you'd already decided what "true."

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Ah, so you DID come here with a preconceived expectation of the answers you would get. You're just mad that we won't roll over and play into your preconceived ideas that WOHMs give inferior care to their kids.

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OOOPs!!! Aren't you forgetting your supposed cover story? Aren't you supposed to be NEW to this board, in this thread? Isn't your previous experience at PP supposed to be SUPPORT for the idea that DCPs don't love theirr kids? How, then, do you claim "as usual"??? You told us earlier in this thread that our responses were COMPLETELY UN usual.....Maybe you need to just pick a story or keep 3X5 cards by your computer so you can remember what you're supposed to be believing.

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Well, you tell us. You said "No WOHM wrote in to say their dcp simply tolerates their children" and in the very next sentence tell us that Kerry88's and Sweetswah's posts contradict that. Aren't they posting their experiences as WOHMs? So how is it NO WOHMs wrote in to say their DCP tolerates their children?

In Kerry and Sweetswah's experience, when they had a DCP "simply tolerate", they stopped WOHM. In MY case, if I had a DCP 'simply tolerate", I would remove my child from that care and seek different care. I have enough experiences to know that wonderful, awesome DCPs exist who are completely capable of loving the kids they care for. And I have enough experiences to know they are in the majority, not the extremely rare circumstance you keep insisting on (despite having ZERO experience). In fact, I'll use your own "proof" against you.

You said: "Plus, there are some you're just going to admire more than others because there are quite a few children you're just going to hope you get thru the day without striking! That's a bit of hyperbole, but it's partly the truth. How can I, a mom of 3, not be aware of this?" Hmmm...are you saying that you don't love some of your children? Or have you been driven to that point while STILL loving your kids? Why would a DCP be any different? isn't she human, too? Subject to the same human capacity for anger and love simultaneously?

You've done NOTHING to show any shred of factual evidence that DCPs, in the general context, are incapable of loving their kids. All you've done is dismiss any evidence that fails to support your preconceived, ignorant notions about what it must be like....that's hardly the stuff that leads to a discovery of truth.

I don't deny that situations like Kerry and Sweetswah described; I only deny they TYPIFY daycare.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:23am

f<<I mean, why did I even quit my job if my 3 would be better off in dc than with me?>>


I don't know, why did you?


I don't think my kids are "better off" in dc than with me. I think they are better off having my income than not, and if that means they spend time in dc, which is not harmful to them, then so be it. Its the whole package that matters. Its not just the time in daycare that you have to consider, but what else is gained while they are in dc.


There are definitely some things my kids learned in dc that they wouldn't have learned at home with me. Numerous things, socialization skills among them. And I know ds learned his shapes and colors a whole lot faster than if he'd been with me. And there are definitely some things my kids would have learned, or gained, by being home with me. But that is not the only piece of the puzzle. You have to consider the income my job brought to the household and what benefits it provided to the kdis as well. You have to consider the emotional benefit of my job and the benefits it provided to the kids as well. DC is not the only piece of this very complex puzzle. You can't isolate that one element and make judgements based on it.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:46am

I did say you SEEM to have quite a bit of knowledge...notice that word SEEM...as in

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:50am
Not at all.

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