Sneaking purchases...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sneaking purchases...
1291
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am

I was reading another board about sneaking purchases past their husband's. I know I use to sneak before we started doing our finances together. I would actually come home during lunch to get the mail or unload packages. I was pitiful. Even now, I will bring things in the house and wince thinking how upset Devin would be with me.


So, have you ever hid purchases or not told your DH the whole picture of your finances? We use to horrible fights about finances. I would do the weekly budget and e-mail him it. We would discuss it and everything was fine. Then, he would tell me two days later that he was doing a marathon that cost $75.00. I had to actually ask him before we did the budget-Do you have any marathons? Do you need shoes? Do you have any equipment you need? Can you tell I

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:44pm
>>>As I said before, my dh does a phenomenal job with the time he has. Does he and I wish he had more time? Absolutely. Would it have a positive effect on our children? Without a doubt. Is it feasible to have a no-income family? No? Is it feasible to have a one income family? You better believe it. Millions of families do it every day. And most of us do it b/c we believe in the tremendous value of those extra 40 hours we get with them if we SAH b4 the are in school. They are away from us enough once Kindergarten starts. Why start it any earlier than that?

--------

The only two solutions to not spending more time w/kids aren't having a "no-income family" or the mom staying home. If you both wish your DH had more time with your children, and you both believe that his 40 hours away from your children has a detrimental affect on them, WHY haven't you found a way for that to happen???

Why doesn't he work from home? Why doesn't he work at night so he can be home with you & your kids during the day, or vice versa?

Come on, get real. You can't have it both ways. You can't say hours a parent works away from thier children is bad for children, then praise the wonderful job your husband is doing with your kids, when in fact he does the very thing you're railing against!



Edited 4/5/2004 11:48 pm ET ET by iomoon


Edited 4/5/2004 11:49 pm ET ET by iomoon

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:55pm
>>>No, not at all. It's not at all to her and her children's credit that she calls herself "just a SAHM." That's tantamount to saying SAHM is the best status, and choose to work OHM is the worst. Can't you see that?

She's treating that 10 hours of legal, gainful employment as a dirty secret, instead of an important contribution to her family and to society. Be proud of the work you do!<<<<<<

PJ, will you PLEASE go back and reread the posts (there are several) in THIS thread where I have said how much I work, where my children are, the fact that I would never take a job that required me to put my kids in dc, that I am EXTREMELY proud of the fact that my degree allows me to work so little and gain so much ft AWAKE DAYTIME with my kids (that would be the times in those 40 hrs when the typical WOHM has her children in dc and mine are with me, FT, for those hours, in my care AT HOME.).

And as far as SAH being the "best status", as you put it? For me it is. I am more proud of my ability to see past other life choices and material possessions to realize that MY kids will benefit tremendously from having ME there to love and teach them for those hrs spoken about above. I am so proud of the fact that my children will remember that mommy was with them at the zoo, or at the park, or just that I always made their lunch, or whatever it is that I do during those 40 hrs I get that you (general) do not get. Is that so hard to understand? If I didn't think SAH was a better choice for me than WOH, why would I come here to debate it? Why do you come here? If you don't come to debate that WOH isn't harming your children, then what do you come to debate? Are you seeking support or affirmation? Then wrong board. We all come here to defend our choices.

Will you get me to support WOH and putting your kids in dc during the day hours or after school everyday, or whatever you do instead of having a parent with your children while the other parent works? No, you will not. I do not support that under normal circumstances. Not for toys, and job status, and "mom's need to get out there."

And BTW, I am SO PROUD of the work I do. For my daily gainful "employment" consists of raising my children. And I couldn't be prouder of ANYTHING else. Why can't I defend that?



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:15am
>>>>Well, yes, let's talk about "ugly", shall we, since you've declared yourself the Politeness Police.

How about when funsahm declared that she KNEW that a WOHM isn't as devoted to her own kids as a sahm is. Where were you and your Politeness Police tights then?

How about when funsahm declared WOHMs are destroying their relationship with their kids? Where were you and your defense against "ugly" then? Hmmm<<<<<

Please, do direct me to the exact links where I used those words. And then direct us all back a few posts to see what insane post from you guys led me to saying those words, if you can find where I said them. I assure you there won't be one without the other. I come here with MY beliefs and MY opinions, and my posts state that.

You guys say you can respect either choice to SAH or WOH, but then when SAHMs give reasons why they stay home, you go on the attack with how those reasons are invalid b/c your kids are just the same (or better, b/c you can "afford" more) b/c you WOH. You want us to admit are kids are no better than yours just b/c we SAH and you don't. Some of you even imply your children will fair better in life BECAUSE you work and can give them more "STUFF". I believe my kids are better b/c I SAH with them. Period. Better than your kids? Don't know. Haven't met your kids. But my kids are better for having me there. Better than they would have been WITHOUT me there. Its not about comparing mine to yours, as so many of you like to do. Its about could your kids have fared better if you had been home with them? I think the answer is yes in most instances. If you answer is no, its not b/c of the immensely talented dcp you found, it likely b/c of a lack of confidence in your own FT parenting skills. That's not a dig; its just my belief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:27am
Thanks for putting into words the whole dcps loving the kids thing! You hit the nail on the head with the scenario of stopping the pay and seeing if the "love" remains. Its a job to them, and if the parent is lucky, there may be stronger feelings for your child as opposed to another, but ask them to do it for free, and I'll bet the dcp has no problem not seeing your child again. Doesn't sound like the kind of "love" my child needs in his/her life...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:35am
>>>>Your posts are becoming more and more pathetic. It's sad that some people feel they must put down the lifestyles of some in order to make their own lifestyle choices seem "better." <<<<

Are you the pot or the kettle?

>>>>It's amazing that someone who has no experience with childcare providers can assume to have such a broad understanding of how it works as well as the feelings of all involved. <<<

And its equally amazing that someone with no experiencing raising her own children at home ft, can claim to know FOR SURE, that being home with them instead of WOH (when it was an issue-like b4 schoolage) would not have been any better for them, would have made no difference. You must have issues with your skills as a parent. I can't think of another reason why this denial would be your solomn contention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:24am
Okay, let's reread:

Me:"As I said before, my dh does a phenomenal job with the time he has. Does he and I wish he had more time? Absolutely. Would it have a positive effect on our children? Without a doubt. Is it feasible to have a no-income family? No? Is it feasible to have a one income family? You better believe it. Millions of families do it every day. And most of us do it b/c we believe in the tremendous value of those extra 40 hours we get with them if we SAH b4 the are in school."

You:"Come on, get real. You can't have it both ways. You can't say hours a parent works away from thier children is bad for children, then praise the wonderful job your husband is doing with your kids, when in fact he does the very thing you're railing against!"

I stated my dh does a phenomenal job with THE TIME HE HAS. I stated we wish he had MORE TIME. I stated that more time would without a doubt have a POSITIVE impact on our children and his relationship with them. For us: MORE TIME WITH DAD=POSITIVE IMPACT. Therefore, I think I did in fact say that those 40 hrs I am with my kids that dh isn't allows me 40+ more hours than he has, and that if he had those hours it would have a positive effect on our kids and his relationship with them. Do you insinuate that 40 extra hours with your children would HURT them? Hardly.

And for the record, my dh does not do "the very thing I rail against". In fact my dh does his damndest to afford us the opportunity to raise our children with a parent at home at all times. Thats EXACTLY why I picked him! (wink wink). Even one better, my dh would quit his job and become a ftsahd if there ever comes a time that I choose to be the sole breadwinner. How's that for supporting our common goal of keeping our children with their parents when they are pre-K? We know without a doubt that we can do the best job raising them and teaching them. Others could do an adequate, even good job. But we can do it best. We choose not to settle for adequate, or even good, where our children are concerned. Not when there's a "better" option. That better option for us, is WITH us. If your "better" option was dc, and not you yourself, then I guess I cannot fault you for picking a better option for the kids than the one you could have provided. If that's your scenario, then I suppose we're on the "same side".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:40am
<> yes, i can see what a shame it would be to have another loving, caring, warm, kind, responsible adult in a child's life....

actually, the "love" and caring for the child doesn't change because mom can't pay, but the REALITY is that this is the dcp's livelihood, their job, their income -- and they can't just take kids without getting paid. Many of them are doing this to make ends meet and they can't do that if the parent doesn't pay -- it doesn't mean that they feel any less or any differently about the child. In fact, often they are heartbroken and sad if they have to let a family go due to financial hardship.

I'm not sure WHY that bothers you so much.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:51am
interesting point of view...but let's turn this around a bit.

<>

actually most of us are fairly moderate and do see sah AND woh as EQUAL choices. No attack needed until some msahm comes in with why a wohm's child can't be every bit as good as those of sahms. oh, and yes, our kids are "just the same". WHY does that bother you?

<< You want us to admit are kids are no better than yours just b/c we SAH and you don't.>>

what's wrong with admitting that kids are no different from sah OR woh families? there is NO difference -- and if there is it's probably due to MANY other more influential factors.

<>

hmmm, i've never implied that at all. my working allows me to give my kids OPPORTUNITIES for things like daycamp, sports programs, religious education. you may not deem these things important for your children OR if they are important maybe you can afford them on one income -- we can not.

<>

I believe my kids are better b/c I continued to woh while raising them. Period. Better than your kids? Don't know. Haven't met your kids. But my kids are better for having me there all the while continuing to teach.

Its about could your kids have fared better if you had continued to woh while raising them? I think the answer is yes in most instances. If you answer is no, it likely b/c of a lack of confidence in your own FT parenting skills -- and not being able to adapt to the rigors of raising kids AND being personally financially responsible for them. That's not a dig; its just my belief.

ROFLOL. So i work because i don't trust my FT parenting skills? LOL. I can't even think how that's possible since i AM a FT parent -- been one since my kids were born. And with 3 kids, 2 that are special needs, that are 12.5, 10 and 8 i have PLENTY of parenting skills acquired from both the depth and breadth of my parenting and teaching experiences.

Eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:53am
<< Is it feasible to have a one income family? You better believe it. Millions of families do it every day. And most of us do it b/c we believe in the tremendous value of those extra 40 hours we get with them if we SAH b4 the are in school. >>

actually, i would think that more families sah because they can NOT afford to continue woh and paying for dc -- rather than out of some idea about the tremendous value of sah for their families.

eileen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 6:04am
<>

ROFLOL. I do that too AND i've continued to woh. simply amazing how that works, isn't it?

eileen

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